Destiny's Child
by T'Pinto
Summary: Jim is returned to the Enterprise with the mind of a child. No one knows who's responsible. He retains some of Jim's memories but not all. Spock and Bones play Dad. Cuteness abounds. Kidfic but NOT a kidfic. Adult Themes. Eventual K/S. MATURE CONTENT!
1. In Which Jim Is Not Himself

**Disclaimer:** Don't own the characters, don't make any money doing this. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda.

**Warnings:** OH SO MANY WARNINGS... UGH...

Okay – first and foremost – in case it's not obvious. BLATANT - OOC...

There may be some language – probably not in the first couple of chapters,

Possibly some K/S innuendo.

**This is NOT a kidfic!**

Okay it is..... But it isn't at the same time!

**I have NO IDEA how to categorize this**.... UGH

There will be adult themes in this later on...

It will eventually be K/S in nature (though I don't intend on there being anything graphic in this fic – possibly more of the K/S relationship in the sequel – I don't know.)

Bottom line, this is hard to catagorize and because of the eventual K/S nature - it may

offend some people. I apologize – it's COMPLICATED. If you don't like that sort of

thing – Don't Read This.

That said.

**Yes – **a lot of it is going to be cute.

The adult themes are going to stem from the complicated nature of Jim's condition and

will be handled delicately – I hope – that's the goal. (no promises)

**Author's Note: ** I've been working on this for a while. Again – it's finals week – so this is one of those projects I won't be working on again until Next weekend at least – but – I've decided that since I can't post updates to "MOII" or "Saving Grace" – since they aren't ready – that I should post what I have of this.

It's my way of saying _**THANK YOU **_for the over **300** reviews for "MOII" and over **30** (WOW) reviews for the One Chapter of "Saving Grace" (wow now I really gotta get my butt in gear) – not to mention all the faves and alerts.

So much love!

Thanks to you all.

Hopefully this will keep you appeased.

I'm splitting it into shorter chapters so that I can do several updates with what I already have this week.

* * *

Destiny's Child

Chapter 1.

In Which Jim Is Not Himself

* * *

"Do you have a lock on the Captain's position yet Mr. Scott?"

"I'm workin' as fast as I ken Commander. We're damn lucky we picked up tha' blip of a signal at all."

"I am well aware of that Lieutenant Commander, however, since we now have confirmation that the Captain is indeed on the Planet's surface, it is imperative that we retrieve him. He has been missing for three days and we have reason to believe that the alien race holding him captive may be hostile. He may be injured or otherwise harmed and knowing the Captain's penchant for attracting trouble, is invariably in some sort of danger."

"I know Spock, yuv told meh tha' six times in the last thirty minutes. Pavel and I are almost through the interference. If we ken jest locate the frequency they are using to jam our signals, we'll be able ta disrupt it. Then we ken lock onta his signal and beam him up. Tha' last signal scan showed he was alive Spock. I'll git him back, and he'll be okay, I promise ya that."

"I know you will Montgomery, I apologize for my frustration. I am simply…"

"Worried Commander?"

"Concerned."

Leonard McCoy burst into the transporter room, med kit in hand. As Ensign Chekov declared that he had located the frequency of the jamming transmission interfering with the Enterprise's capabilities to lock on to any signals or communicate with the planet's surface.

"Chekov called me and said they were close." McCoy said to the Vulcan giving him the raised eyebrow, to explain his timely arrival.

"I'm through, I'm through!" The young Ensign shouted.

"I've got his signal! Locking on… transport in 5…4…3….2…1" Scotty assured the growing crowd in the room.

A familiar swirl of light and energy appeared on the transporter pad and a figure began to emerge. It gradually became the Captain, but he was sitting on the floor, knees tucked to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them. When his pattern was fully restored McCoy rushed to him, tricorder in hand. Jim didn't make a move to stand up, he just stared at McCoy with wide and astonished crystal blue eyes.

"Jim, are you alright?" Leonard cried out to his friend.

"Those lights were scary Bones, and they made my tummy feel funny," the Captain said in a very earnest and shaky voice as he inched his way back toward the wall, retreating from the crowd that was moving toward him.

McCoy turned to Spock and they shared a look of concern.

"Captain, it is alright, you are back aboard the Enterprise. Are you hurt in any way?"

Jim just stared at Spock and moved to hide behind Bones. He kept sneaking looks at all the crewmen in the room and then at Spock. Finally, holding onto Bones' shirt with his fists he whispered very loudly at Spock.

"Why's there so many people lookin' at me?" McCoy and the Commander shared another concerned look at their Captain's odd behavior as McCoy continued to take scans with his medical tricorder.

"You have been missing for three days Captain. The crew is simply concerned for your well being."

Jim raised one fist to his mouth and began chewing on his index fingernail. He stared at the crew members who were backing off a bit now and then finally motioned to Spock that he wanted him to come closer. When Spock came closer Jim motioned that he wanted him to come all the way down to his level. So Spock sat beside him on the transporter pad, not knowing what else to do.

"Cantchoo make 'em go away Spock?"

"I can. Do you remember what happened to you on the planet Captain?"

Jim just shrugged and continued to stare at the crew members in the room with a very scared and worried look on his face. Spock rose and cleared the room assuring the worried crewmen that the Captain would be just fine. Scotty and Pavel remained but stood off to the side as not to alarm the Captain. Spock shot a questioning eyebrow at Dr. McCoy, searching for answers.

"I don't know what to tell you. I can't find a damn thing wrong with him. According to this he's in perfect health. Not a scratch on him."

"A scratch did not cause his regression into childlike behavior doctor."

"Tell me something I don't know. I'm not going to have any answers for you until I can get him to sickbay and conduct more intricate brain scans."

"Very well. In the meantime we must attempt to communicate with his captors and get them to tell us what they have done."

"Ahm afraid thas not gonna be possible Mr. Spock." Scotty informed him.

"Is the jamming signal back?"

"No. Pavel managed ta permanently disrupt it, but there's nobody down there ta contact."

"There must be."

"Check the data yourself. We've run the scans five times and confirmed with the bridge. There's not a sengle soletary life sign on that planet. Not even a bug. Just one small structure. Tha one we beamed him up frum. Tha rest is a barren wasteland."

Spock rechecked the data and confirmed that what Scotty was saying was accurate.

"Jim, were you down there by yourself?" McCoy asked him.

"I dunno. It was cold. I'm still cold. I don wanna go to sickbay."

"Well I'm afraid you don't have a choice in the matter. I've got to figure out what's wrong with you, and we have to do that in sickbay. Come on, stand up, let's go."

"No!"

"Jim, come on. You've been to sickbay a hundreds of times. It's not that big a deal."

"No I'm not goin' and you can't make me!" Jim yelled, getting up and running to hide behind Spock. "Don't let him take me. I don't wanna go." Jim sniffled and clung to the Vulcan.

"Jim, there is nothing to be afraid of. Dr. McCoy simply wants to help you."

"Is too, he gots jections and they hurt. He's gonna stick me wif 'em and I don't wanna get stuck. I'll swell all up and get leaky and get sick to my tummy too. Please don't make me go. Please." he pleaded to Spock, plastering himself to the Vulcan's side while still hiding just a bit behind him at the same time. His fists were balled up in Spock's uniform shirt tightly and his body shook, as his nose began to run and tears ran down his face.

"Jim, doctor McCoy will not hurt you. He jest needs to take some pictures of your head, zat is all." Pavel reassured him.

"You promise?"

"I am crossing my heart. You will not hurt him will you Doctor McCoy."

"Of course not Jim. I'm just going to take some pictures of your head, like Pavel said. You can let me do that can't you?"

"You won't let him give me no jections will you Spock?"

"I will not allow him to administer any injections to you that are not absolutely necessary Jim."

"And you'll come wif me?"

"I will."

"Okay, but only if you come wif me." Jim said taking Spock's hand and staying far away from McCoy. As they walked to sickbay Jim leaned his head against Spock's shoulder and stuck his thumb in his mouth. Spock noticed this and before thinking about it, instinctually admonished him.

"Do not suck your thumb Jim." he said and pulled Jim's thumb out of his mouth.

"Why not?"

"Because it will deform your teeth."

Jim frowned at this and pouted, and when he didn't think Spock was watching, slipped the thumb back into his mouth. Spock did notice and gave him a very disapproving look. Jim took it back out, but his frown became a scowl. He did not however let go of Spock's hand. Nor did he get any closer to Bones.

* * *

**A/N:** Okay – there's your beginning? What do you think?

Questions? Ask away and I'll try to field them – as long as it doesn't give away the story line.

Is it too far out there?

Feh – who cares. Imma writin' it anyway.


	2. In Which Sickbay Is Not Home!

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings: ** None really for this chapter I don't think. Let me know if I'm wrong.

Mostly it's just cute – I hope.

**Author's note: ** I decided to post this one too – because it's short and because I don't know whether or not I'll have a chance to post it tomorrow (which is really later today, since it's 2 a.m.)

Just wanted to see how you like it so far really.

Let me know.

* * *

Destiny's Child

Chapter 2

In Which Sickbay is Not Home

* * *

Jim sat on one of the beds in the med bay, his knees once again pulled up to his chest. Christine Chapel sat on the side of the bed trying to coax him into eating more of the vegetable soufflé she had replicated for him. It had been a dish he had liked before, but he'd immediately pronounced it as 'icky' and wouldn't even try a bite of it.

On the other side of sickbay McCoy sat in his office with Spock going over the numerous scans and tests he'd performed on Jim in the last hour. He had plenty of data to work with, but wasn't coming up with any answers.

"The only thing I can really tell you is that his body temperature is slightly low and his brain scans showed a couple of minor anomalies. Other than that there's not a damn thing wrong with him. No brain damage, no major changes in brain chemistry, all of his memory centers are intact. In short, there's no real reason at all for him to be behaving this way.

It does seem that although the scans show no memory loss, he isn't able to retrieve all of his past memories. He remembers the high points, he knows who you and I are, but he didn't remember Christine. He remembers his Mom and seems to have vivid clarity of details from when he was really young, around 4 or 5 years of age, but he doesn't seem to remember details of recent events. I can't be sure of any of this though because his cooperation is inconsistent at best.

He'll answer some questions but not all of them. I get a lot of shrugs and 'I don't knows' which doesn't tell me anything. He could know the answer to the question and just not want to tell me. Bottom line is until and unless he tells us what happened, we aren't going to know and I'm not going to know how to fix it."

"What are the anomalies on the brain scans that you spoke of, and do you have any idea as to whether or not this condition is permanent or temporary?" Spock inquired after taking in all that the doctor had to say.

"Well there's a difference in the patterns of brain activity between the last scans I took, which were right after he got that concussion a month ago, and now. This is the normal scan." He said holding up a scan to show Spock what he was talking about. "These highlighted areas here show his normal brain activity. This is the latest one. As you can see the only real difference is that there seems to be a bit more activity here, in these areas here that regulate the learning and development and speech centers. You usually see higher levels in these areas in young children.

Also there's a small dark spot here, in a normally unused section of the human brain, and as you can see, there seems to be a small amount of activity in that area as well. However, I don't know what the anomaly is, or what the indicated level of activity, as minute as it is, means. I'm an old country doctor, not neurology specialist. I'll send it off to a few specialists and see if they can tell us anything.

As for whether or not the condition is permanent or temporary, I'm afraid only time will tell. I wish I had better answers for you Spock, but I don't. For the time being, I'm going to have to pull rank as CMO and officially declare him unable to attend to his duties due to a medical condition. I'll fill out the paperwork but this immediately advances you to the temporary rank of acting Captain, until his condition improves, or we can figure out what to do about it."

"Understood, I believe that is the best course of action given the circumstances."

"Commander, I'm sorry to interrupt but the Captain is asking for you, and I can't get him to eat anything." Christine said from the CMO's office doorway.

Spock shot McCoy a raised eyebrow that could have meant anything from annoyance to incomprehension to 'help, what do I do?'. The good doctor seemed to comprehend the simple look however.

"What do you want me to do? He wants you not me. I'm mean, remember? He obviously remembers hyposprays, and me being the inflicter. You're just gonna have to deal with him for a little while until he warms back up to me. Meanwhile I've got to inform Starfleet of what's going on and make some kind of ship wide announcement about his condition."

The Vulcan sighed resolutely and rose to follow Nurse Chapel out into the main room. Before he left he thought of something prudent that the doctor should include in his address to the crew.

"Doctor, you may want to inform the crew not to approach the Captain until he is more comfortable with his surroundings. Perhaps you can tell them he is suffering from some degree of memory loss for the time being, without expanding on his condition. While on the way here from the transporter room I picked up a barrage of emotion from him telepathically, most of which was marked by high levels of apprehension, fear, and discomfort with his surroundings. He seems especially wary of the crew members in the hallways."

"Well that's explainable I guess. This is definitely some kind of regression and not brain damage. He seems to be operating and fluctuating on an emotional level somewhere between a preschooler and maybe that of a 7 or 8 year old at most. If he doesn't remember most of the crew, they're strangers to him. Little kids aren't allowed to talk to strangers Spock."

"I see." Spock simply replied and then headed out to see what the Captain required.

"Jim, Nurse Chapel informs me that you will not eat the food she has acquired for you. It is a dish that you have enjoyed in the past."

"It's yucky."

"Did you try it?"

"No way, it's got shrooms and peppers and kindsa yuck. It's scusting. I'm still hungry. And I'm cold, and I don't wanna be here no more. I wanna go home. Can we go home now?"

"You are home Jim. You live here on the Enterprise. Where do you think home is?" Spock inquired in effort to see just how much information Jim would part with.

"I dunno. I know Mom don't live in Iowa all the time no more, and I don't live wif her no more, on account I got big. Spock? I'm not big no more, but I am big. I don't like it. It's weird." His face contorted and he scowled and stuck out his bottom lip. When he looked back up at Spock there were tears in his eyes once again. "I'm tired and I'm hungry and I'm cold and I don't wanna be here no more. I wanna go home!" He wailed.

Spock could no longer resist the urge to comfort his friend. He sat next to Jim on the biobed and placed a hand reassuringly on Jim's knee.

"Jim you are among friends here on the Enterprise. I assure you that you are quite safe. We can get you something else to eat and Nurse Chapel will get you a blanket. Then you can rest. I have some duties I must attend to, but once they are finished I can return here and escort you to your quarters. Perhaps you would be more comfortable there."

"Yeah there, wif you, that's okay for home. Home is NOT sickbay, and I don't wanna stay in here wif mean old Bones."

"He will not give you any injections."

"Says you. He waits till you're not lookin'."

"I do not." McCoy protested, walking across the room towards Jim's bed.

"Do too." Jim said sticking his tongue out at Bones, before turning back to Spock. "Pwease don't leave me in here wif him. He's tricky."

"I'm afraid I must, but I will return shortly. Could you not consider trusting Dr. McCoy just a little? He is your very good friend Jim."

"I know." Jim said dejectedly, looking up at Bones with guilt and anxiety. "I might like him again if he's nice and don't stick me."

"I won't. I promise. Now what's this I hear about you not eating your dinner?" McCoy asked with uncharacteristic tenderness that was obviously the voice of learned Father who'd had his share of consoling and reassuring a small child.

"He says it is disgusting." Spock supplied.

"What would you rather have?" Bones inquired.

"Chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese."

"Okay. If I get that for you will you eat it?"

"Uh huh. Can I have grape soda?"

"Milk or water is better for you."

Jim scowled and then looked out of his lashes up at the CMO with a big puppy dog pout. McCoy heaved a big sigh before he relented. Those big blue eyes all tinged with innocence made saying no nearly impossible.

"If I let you have a little bit of grape soda, will you like me again?" Bones asked. In response Jim shot him a big smile and nodded profusely.

"I trust you will be fine to look after him for a while doctor?" Spock inquired before turning to leave.

"Yeah, I can handle it for a bit."

"But don't forget you promised to come back soon." Jim reminded him. Spock nodded his agreement before leaving.


	3. Of Blue and Brown and Bestest Friends

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings: ** Hmm not much for this chapter – maybe a slight hint or two at K/S but it could just be interpreted as friendship. Take it how you want to.

**Author's Note: **I know I said this before – but let me reiterate, I have been working on this story on the side for a while now. What I have is not very long however, so I hadn't posted it previously.

I have two more short chapters finished and will post those this week as well.

I'm posting This Story – to say thanks for all the reviews on MOII and Saving Grace – because I don't have updates done for those stories to thank you with yet.

**YES** I am working on both. - That said – I have finals this week – Both on Thursday – and it is the week before Christmas – so Please be patient.

I **will** get MOII updated and finished as soon as I can – but it won't be before Monday or Tuesday.

Saving Grace will come next – in conjunction with this one – but Saving Grace will be Slow. - Sorry but that's how it is. :(

Thanks for all the attention this has gotten so far!

* * *

Destiny's Child

Chapter 3

Of Blue and Brown and Bestest Friends

* * *

When Spock returned he found Jim pouting once again. Dr. McCoy was tending to an Ensign with a large cut and a goose egg on his head. Nurse Chapel seemed to be rummaging around in the storage room. Jim sat cross legged on the bed, arms wrapped around himself, frowning at a story book laid open on the bed in front of him. He looked up at Spock approaching him but didn't brighten. He sighed heavily and remained stoic and silent.

"Did you get enough to eat?" Spock asked, attempting to engage him.

"Yeah."

"And did the doctor give you your grape soda?"

"Yeah."

"Then why are you so unhappy? I was not gone long, and I have returned as I promised."

"I know."

Spock crossed his arms and raised an inquisitive eyebrow. A gesture he'd used with the Captain on numerous occasions to let Jim know that he required more information that what Jim was providing. Either Jim remembered this, or somehow he was just still able to read Spock. He heaved a final sigh before submitting to Spock's unspoken request.

"I'm still cold an I'm tired and I wanna go to bed and Bones ain't payin' no attention to me no more and this book is dumb. It's a baby book and I'm not a baby."

"Of course you're not a baby Jimmy. You are a big boy and you can read very well. I did say I was sorry about the book though. It's the only one we have here in sickbay and I haven't had a chance to find you anything else." Christine Chapel reminded him as she walked back toward them with something blue tucked under her arm.

"I know, cuz it's leftover from when those Aldarian kids were on board right?"

"I didn't tell him about that," Christine said to Spock. "Do you remember the Aldarian kids being on board Jimmy?"

"I dunno, I guess." he shrugged. Spock gave him another inquisitive eyebrow. "It's just, everything's kinda, fuzzy and mixed up all over."

"Well that's a good thing for you to tell us. That's the kind of thing that we need to know so that we can help you make sense of it, so that it won't be all mixed up anymore."

"Okay. Did you find me another blanket?"

"I've tried three already" She said more to Spock than Jim. "He's a little cranky and I can't seem to please him. I did happen to find one more but it's not very big and I'm betting you are going to reject this one as well."

"What seemed to be the problem with the first three blankets you offered him?" Spock inquired.

"One was all crinkly and blankets aren't asposed be crinkly, and one was itchy and the other one smelled bad." Jim broke in and explained earnestly.

"Don't you think you are being a bit too particular Jim. Nurse Chapel is obviously trying very hard to help you, and you should endeavor to be more appreciative of her efforts. On a similar note, you mentioned that Dr. McCoy was not spending time with you. You can see very well for yourself that Dr. McCoy is busy treating a patient who needs him. That is his job, and it is unfair of you to feel resentment towards him for doing his job and helping those in need of his assistance."

Jim's gaze dropped to his lap immediately and he stuck out his bottom lip, but this time he did not cry. He mumbled something very quietly and then looked up through his lashes at Spock to see if he'd been forgiven.

"I am very glad that you are sorry Jim, however, it is not to me whom you owe the apology, and I am quite certain that Nurse Chapel did not hear you." Spock prompted.

"I'm sorry for bein' grumpy Christine. You been really nice to me. Thank you," he said and then turned back to Spock. "I can't not tell Bones I'm sorry though cuz he's way over there."

"Can't not is a double negative, but that was a very nice apology and it was good of you to thank her." Jim brightened at that little bit of praise.

"How about if I tell him you said you were sorry for being grumpy for you?" Christine offered.

"Oh would you?" Jim asked.

"Of course sweetie. Now, do you want to see this last blanket?"

"Yes please."

"Okay, but I'm afraid you are going to think this is a baby blanket, just like you thought the book was a baby book." She said unfurling a smallish flannel blanket. It was soft blue flannel on one side with thick padding and drawings of toys spilling out of a big wooden toy chest on the other side. The drawings were all in different shades of brown on a white flannel background. Jim's face lit up like a Christmas tree when he saw it.

"Is that left over from the Aldarian kids too?"

"Yes it is. What do you think?"

"I think it's perfect! Do you think they will need it back?"

"No I don't think so at all, it didn't belong to any of the children. It was just part of the supplies we had for the nursery and daycare while we had them on board."

"Do you think maybe I could have it? For keeps?"

"I think that would be just fine Jimmy." she said wrapping it around his shoulders.

He rubbed his cheek against the soft flannel and brought it around and spread it out so he could look at all the pictures. He traced the lines of many of the drawings with care before looking up at Spock with big his sparkling blue eyes.

"Look Spock, isn't it great? It's my favorite colors too! See this side is blue just the same as you and Bones's uniform shirts, and this side has all kinds of things to look at, and I like how it's all different kinds of brown and not just one kind. Like this one see. This bear, he's my favorite, cuz he's all warm brown, just the same as your eyes when you're happy, or you think something's funny. You don't laugh or smile but your eyes do.

And see this baseball bat and glove, they are the same color as your eyes when you are thinkin' all kinds of sciency stuff. I even like the big toy chest. It looks just like real wood. I even like these dark metal looking parts on it in the corners, even though they're the same dark dark as your eyes when you're mad Spock. I don't like it when your eyes get mad, but they're still pretty and I still like you, so that's okay."

"Well that was quite a mouthful. I think that means he likes it. He also seems to remember some things with vivid clarity more than others, wouldn't you say Mr. Spock?" Christine said with a twinkle in her eye and a bit of amusement in her voice.

"It would seem so. Most curious." he replied looking inquisitively at Jim as he continued to poor over the pictures on the blanket.

"I like how he thinks your eyes are pretty and change color with your mood?" Bones offered, suddenly standing beside them. He'd obviously heard enough of what Jim had said to get his own little jab in.

"You are merely jealous Doctor, as he seems to think you are mean." Spock simply replied, refusing to give in to the doctor's goading.

"Didn't ya hear? I 'm not mean anymore. I gave him grape soda. Now I'm his bestest friend again."

"Hey Bones, look at the blankie Christine found me." Jim said excitedly as if to emphasize McCoy's claim. "She said I could have it for keeps."

"That is a pretty neat blanket Sport." McCoy said, shooting a wink at Spock that might have said 'hah hah, who does he like best now?'.

He moved over to sit next to Jim on the bed and ruffled the man's hair a bit as he did so. He was quite aware that to an outsider the action would appear ridiculous, but Jim's regression had made his usual charms completely irresistible to his best friend, who was also a father who missed his own child.

"Yeah, an it's soft an warm too, and snuggly." Jim grinned, snuggling the blanket to his cheek again. Then he draped it over his front and leaned into Bones and closed his eyes a bit. "I'm sleepy." he yawned.

"Well why don't you go ahead and lay down Sport. You can sleep right here."

"Huh uh. Spock promised to take me back to home wif him. I wanna sleep there."

"Wait I missed this. What dy'a mean home? You can't take him home Spock. Earth is two weeks from here. Granted we are going to have to redirect if this situation doesn't rectify in the next day or so. We won't be able to to keep... well we'll just have to, but we can't get there today." McCoy had trailed off before inadvertently mentioning in front of Jim that they wouldn't be able to keep him on board the Enterprise if his regression didn't reverse itself soon.

"Not Earth silly. My room. My room and Spock's room, they're knektid you know. That's good enough for home. Sickbay is not home." Jim explained looking apologetically at Bones.

"That's okay kiddo. You don't have to stay here if you don't want to." Bones reassured his friend. Then he turned to Spock. "You okay with watching him overnight Spock?"

"I am fine with it Doctor. We will all have to pitch in until the situation is resolved. I have completed my duties for the day and am not due back on the Bridge until Alpha shift. I will however need someone else to volunteer to take over at that time."

"Aw, can't I just come to the Bridge wif you?"

"You cannot."

Jim scowled and sighed dejectedly at this news, but seemed to accept it.

"Well you can just bring him back here. Even if by some miracle things have reverted to normal by morning, I'll need him back here. I want to do follow up scans in the a.m. either way. After that, Christine and I can start putting a tentative schedule together and recruiting volunteers if need be."

"A highly logical plan. Perhaps we should just meet in the commissary as usual for a.m. meal."

"Actually that sounds great. It might help Jim to experience a bit of his normal routine. That sound okay to you kiddo?" Bones asked as Jim sleepily looked up at him.

"Sure. Can I have pancakes?"

"If you have some fruit with them."

"I like grapes and apples."

"I know you do. You like a lot of other things too, but you'll have to learn to trust me on that and try them all over again even if you think they look yucky okay?"

Jim smirked and shrugged, not disagreeing but also not consenting to anything. Then he climbed down off the bed carrying his new blankie with him, slung over one shoulder. He moved over to Spock taking his hand once again, but Spock didn't seem to mind.

He could shield his telepathic ability and skillfully control what he sent and received, but this ability didn't lessen his sensitivity to touch. It seemed however that he was willing to make an exception for children, even if the child in question currently resided in a the very adult body of his Captain and friend Jim Kirk.

Of course maybe it was possible that the exception had more to do with it being Jim, than in Jim's current condition. Whatever the reason, he simply accepted Jim's hand in his own. They bid their good nights to the doctor and Nurse Chapel, and he led Jim out of sickbay and down the corridor towards the turbolift that would take them to the deck their quarters were on.


	4. Of Bubble Baths and Bedtime Stories

**Disclaimer: ** SSDD – don't own em – just borrowing.

**Warnings: ** Hmmm not much – maybe an allusion or two of a slashy nature.

This is short.

**Author's note:** On an UNRELATED topic – I just wanted to let you all know that I've temporarily disabled anonymous comments. I'm really Sorry for the inconvenience – it just needed to be done. **Sigh**... Anywho. I'm sure that when I am feeling less stressed I will enable them again.

If you wanna know why – pm me – I'll tell ya. Lol

THANKS SO MUCH to Everyone for all the reviews so far. Glad you like this one.

* * *

Destiny's Child

Chapter 4

Of Bubble Baths and Bedtime Stories

* * *

Jim had insisted on taking bath instead of a shower. His logical explanation had been that you take baths at night time and that showers were just for morning, and that sonic showers were just plain weird.

Spock had no argument for this, so he found himself running a bath for Jim and using shower gel to make the appropriate bubbles that Jim required. He noted that he would need to remember to requisition some bubble bath from ship stores. Apparently 'tub toys' would be required as well.

He let Jim rummage through his own things until he found a few items that he said big old Jim wouldn't mind if he played with in the tub. Then he found Jim a towel. Fortunately Jim still possessed his manual dexterity and was able to get himself undressed and into the tub.

Spock left both the bathroom doors open. He laid out pajamas on Jim's bed for him,then crossed back through the bathroom to his own quarters, stopping briefly to ensure that Jim did not need anything. Then he settled at his desk to pour over reports. He also fielded several calls about the Captain's well being from several concerned crew members.

All the while he listened to the child like noises of Jim playing in the bathtub. He heard motorboat noises and splashing, laser gun fire and simulated crashes and explosions. It would have been very cute had it been coming from an actual child, but Spock was concerned that his friend was permanently lost to him and was unable to find amusement in the adorable noises spilling forth from the bathroom.

When Jim had been in the tub for over half an hour, Spock had to lure him out with the promise of a bedtime story. He also had to point out that Jim's appendages were pruning and the water was getting cold.

Jim only agreed to get out of Spock agreed to help him dry his hair and get his jammies on.

"Mom always helped me when I was little before."

"I am sure she did, but that was because your manual dexterity was not fully developed and you lacked the skills to accomplish those tasks on your own. Such is not the case now." Spock pointed out.

"Please," was all Jim said, looking up at the Vulcan through his lashes and sticking out his bottom lip in an irresistible pout.

If Spock had admitted it to himself, he found Jim's requests hard to resist under normal circumstances. He however, refused to admit that to himself. Nevertheless, the increased level of irresistibility proved to be too much for Spock. He found that saying no to this version of Jim was something that although he was quite capable of, was also something he was very hesitant to do. It was very curious.

Ignoring his embarrassment, since being embarrassed was an emotion, and he therefore couldn't possibly be feeling it, Spock helped Jim get his jammies on. Then they perused Jim's shelves for an appropriate book for bedtime.

"I don't want a baby book, but chapter books aren't good for bed time."

"Perhaps I can tell you a story tonight and we can procure an appropriate selection for bed time tomorrow." Spock offered, secretly hoping that tomorrow Jim would awaken in his normal state.

"Okay. Tell me 'bout Goldilocks and the bears." Jim said jumping up on the bed and making Spock sit next to him.

"I would rather tell you about T'paylya and the Three Sehlats."

"Is that a good one?"

"My Mother told it to me when I was a child. I myself found it somewhat illogical. However, she explained to me that sometimes a story contains illogical and extremely fictional elements because it is for amusement purposes only. After I accepted her analysis and explanation I found that, though the story was still illogical, it was also quite entertaining. I believe you will find it agreeable."

The story was Goldilocks and the three bears with a Vulcan child and Sehlats. Jim found it very agreeable. He corrected Spock if he got a part wrong, and made Spock use different voices for the different Sehlats.

"You seem to be very familiar with that story Jim." Spock remarked when he had finished to a round of appreciative giggles and claps.

"Course I am silly. It's the same story as the Goldilocks one. You're Mommy was pretty smart to make it all Vulcany for you."

"She was indeed. Are you ready to go to sleep now?"

"Uh huh." Jim said yawning and climbing under the covers. When he was under, he directed Spock to spread the new blankie out on top of the covers, picture side up.

"Is this correct?" Spock asked, straightening the blanket.

"Yep. Hey Spock? See this bear?" Jim asked sitting up and pointing to the bear that was the same color as Spock's eyes when they were happy or amused.

"I do."

"I like him a lot. I said that before, but I forgotted to tell you I useta have one just like him. I sleeped with him every night. Hes name was Teddy. He was my bestest friend. Like you and Bones, cept he was little enough to cuddle with. I wished I still had him, but we losted him one time when we visited Idaho. I was too big for him then anyway, so I didn't cry....much..."

"How old were you?"

"Nine and ¾. Too old for bears. That's what Sam said. I still wished I had him though. Spock, do you think maybe we could find me another one?"

"Perhaps Jim."

"K. I guess I'll go to sleep now. Are you goin' to sleep now?"

"I will retire shortly."

"K..." Jim said hesitantly, stalling for time.

"Do you require something else?"

"Yeah, you gotta tuck me and I need a hugkiss."

"I see."

Spock indulged Jim and gave him a hug, noting internally how easily he seemed to accept the Captain's current condition and briefly wonder why that was so. He considered that the reason could simply be that he was used to adapting to the sometimes strange situations that seemed to occur on the Enterprise.

He dismissed the train of thinking as he got Jim to lay back down and then tucked the blankets back around him. Then he bent down and kissed Jim lightly on the forehead, and told himself that he'd never longed to do just that before.

Jim startled him by wrapping his arms around Spock's neck and kissing him wetly on the cheek before saying 'gnight Spock', and Spock told himself he'd never longed for a similar interaction to that either.

"Goodnight James," Spock said tenderly.

"I like that. I like James. Cuz I'm kinda not Jim now, and acuz I like the way you say it."

"Alright, from now on, I will call you James. Would you find that agreeable."

"Uh huh. Maybe I'll think of somthin' else to call you 'till I'm big big again too. Night Spock." Jim said sleepily, finally shutting his eyes. Spock could tell by his breathing that Jim was nearly asleep by the time he got to the bathroom door. He had the computer leave the lights at 10% before he headed back into his own quarters.


	5. In Which Things Get Complicated

**Disclaimer:** not mine

**Warnings: ** Some hints at slashy feelings maybe...maybe not... you be the judge.

This is the last chapter I have written on this story, so there won't be any updates for a bit.

**Author's Note:** Yes I know this is the second posting in one day – but – I won't be home in the morning and if I flunk my Math final like I think I'm going to – I won't be in a very Posty Mood – and you guys shouldn't suffer because of me.

That said - I have to get updates for MOII, and Saving Grace done before I update this again so it will be a few days.

In the meantime – HAPPY SATURNALIA to one and all.

And please send me good vibes and stuff – if I don't pass Math – I'm screwed. Ugh...

* * *

Destiny's Child

Chapter 5

In Which Things Get Complicated

* * *

Spock finished the reports he had been working on and informed Dr. McCoy that there had been no change in the Captain's condition, but that Jim had bathed, and gotten ready for bed and was now asleep. Leonard also expressed his own wish that Jim would return to normal when he woke up. They again agreed to meet in the mess hall unless Jim did return to normal.

After getting ready for bed himself, Spock checked on 'James' one more time before shutting both bathroom doors and climbing into his own bed. He had been asleep only a short time when his senses alerted him to the presence of another being his room. His eyes snapped open to find a dark figure looming next to his bed.

As his eyes adjusted he could see that the dark, looming figure had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and was sucking on one of it's thumbs. The shadowed figure sighed deeply and continued sucking the appendage in it's mouth.

"James, why are you not asleep?"

"It's dark in there."

"It is not." Spock said curtly, raising himself up onto his elbows. "I left the ambient lighting at 10%. That is great enough to illuminate your path to the bathroom, yet still allow you to sleep."

"It makes scary shadows."

"I see. Shadows are just areas where the light is hindered by a solid object and is therefore unable to be illuminated. There is nothing to be afraid of."

"Yes huh there is, there's noises too. Big ones, and little ones, and creeky creepy ones, and scrapey ones and all kinds of em."

"Those are just the standard noises of a starship James. Do you not remember these noises from before?"

Jim shrugged, which Spock was beginning to suspect meant yes, but he didn't want to admit it.

"I'm ascared. Can't I just sleep wif you?"

"That would not be appropriate." Spock said immediately, before asking the computer to turn the lights on to 60% power.

"Please," Jim tried, pouting the pout and batting the eyelashes he was learning got him his way with Spock, Bones, and Christine. This time Spock resisted, for he knew he must, he had no choice in the matter.

"No Jim."

"James. You said James member."

"Yes...James, I'm afraid I cannot grant your request, however, we may be able to come to a compromise."

"How come, how come I can't just sleep wif you. I sleeped wif Mom all the time when I had a bad dream. Or Sam sometimes when Mom wasn't home."

"It is simply not a good idea James. Perhaps we could make you a bed on the couch. It is big enough for you."

"Yeah, but it's in the living room part and not in here in the bedroom part and even though there's not a door there's the wall thingy and I can't not see you and I'd still be by myself and that's scary."

"I see." Spock said, surveying his surroundings. His bedroom was quite large by Starfleet standards, as was Jim's. Being the command team had it's privileges. His living area consisted of a desk and work area, a table and chairs, near the replicator, and a recreation and relaxation area with a couch and chase lounge. Jim's was identically furnished.

Spock's bed had long ago been pushed and affixed against one wall. Jim's was in the center of his bedroom where it had been bolted to begin with. The larger units of furniture were permanently bolted for safety reason. Although by the same reasoning the smaller furniture should have been as well. Spock didn't make the rules or design the Starships, he just lived there. He had however had his bed moved to accommodate his meditation area. He left his meditation mat, candles, lamp, and stone arranged on the floor against the far wall.

He supposed that these things could be once again returned to the drawer beneath his bed in order to accommodate another, smaller bed on that side of the room, if the situation with Jim proved to be lengthy or permanent. For now he was reasonably sure he could remove the chase lounge from the living room area and put it on that side of the room. Jim seemed to be fine with that arrangement.

It took some time and some doing, but Spock was able to unbolt the chase lounge and move it with Jim's help. As they worked, Spock noted that Jim's skills with tools were definitely still intact as well.

This caused him to remember something else. When shutting the bathroom doors, the computer automatically locked one, when the other was opened, for privacy purposes. An override code was needed in order to unlock the second door and enter the other residence.

Spock had obtained the code from the CMO earlier of course, which is how he'd managed to unlock both doors. Normally the CMO and his top staff members were the only ones allowed to have those codes since most quarters were set up to allow 4 residences to share one large bathroom. In the lowest ranks some of those residences were double occupancy – which meant as many as 8 people shared one large bathroom. The codes were put in place for privacy and safety reasons. They were designed to be used in the event of a medical emergency.

Not that it wasn't possible to bypass the codes, but one would have to have considerable computer skills to be able to bypass those codes without alerting security protocols that it had been done and setting off an alarm.

Spock knew of several individuals aboard the Enterprise with the skills to do just that, a few of them worked in the IT department that maintained the ships computer systems, a couple of them, including Mr. Scott, worked in Engineering. Some of the main bridge crew also possessed such skills. He himself did, as well as Ensign Pavel Chekov, and of course Jim Kirk. That is, the Jim Kirk that as of 4 days before, had been fully adult and Captain of the Enterprise.

"James, how did you enter my room?" Spock asked hesitantly.

"Through the bathroom door silly."

"That is not what I mean and you know it." Spock informed him as he laid the sheets out on the chase lounge. "The computer automatically locks the door to my room, when you enter the bathroom from yours. Therefore, the door to my room was locked. How then did you enter my room?"

Jim shrugged. This of course meant that he knew very well how he'd done it, but didn't want to tell Spock. Spock was glad at least that he was learning to read James' body language.

"You will not be in trouble, I am simply trying to ascertain how you were able to gain entrance through a locked door, without tripping the alarm. Did you bypass the security codes James." Jim looked shamefully at his feet and hugged his blanket to him.

"You promise you won't be mad."

"I will not. You have not done anything wrong."

"I'm not asposed to bypass the codes."

"You are the Captain, and are allowed to do so when the situation merits it. You have full authority if you deem it necessary and it will not harm another, or invade their privacy."

"I'm NOT the Captain no more! You are!" Jim suddenly shouted, throwing himself onto Spock's bed.

"Alright, technically I am the Acting Captain James, but that is just as I said, a technicality. You are still not in trouble, and I am not mad, and as soon as you are yourself again, you will be Captain once more."

"No! No I won't!"

"James, what is wrong?" Spock said, sitting beside Jim on the bed, trying to figure out what had upset him. Did he miss the Captaincy so much that he was angry at Spock for taking it from him, even though he couldn't be the Captain in his current state?

"I....I.... it's nothin' Spock. I'm sorry." Jim said sitting and wiping tears from his eyes. "I...I did bypass the codes, and I did an override on the security protocols so the alarms wouldn't sound. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

Spock was a bit taken aback by this. Although it was the answer he expected, it was surprising that Jim still possessed such complex knowledge, learned by his adult self. He was also surprised at how much James had sounded like Jim when uttering that last statement. He hadn't even stumbled over the big words. McCoy had been quite right about the personality and maturity fluctuations.

"It would seem that your considerable computer skills are still fully intact if you were able to bypass those codes and protocols. Very curious." Spock said more to himself than to Jim. "You have no need to apologize. I should have left the doors open in case you needed something, however, knowing that you still posses your computer skills is very helpful."

"It is?"

"Yes it is. Remind me to inform Dr. McCoy in the morning." Spock said as he finished making Jim's bed on the chase lounge. "Are you ready to try sleeping again. This is not the proper length, but if your condition remains unchanged we can find an alternative."

"I guess. I still don't know why I can't just sleep wif you, but it's gonna remain unchanged."

"As I said before, it would be inappropriate, and how do you know that it will remain unchanged."

"It's cuz of him ain't it?"

"What is because of whom? Please clarify your statement, and answer my query."

"It's because of Jim. That's why it's not propriate. Cuz of Jim, isn't it? And I just know."

"I do not understand. You **are **Jim."

"No I'm not. I'm not Jim at all. Jim is Jim. I'm me. I'm James. I'm James to you, and Jimbo or Kiddo, or Sport to Bones, and Jimmy to Christine, but I'm **NOT JIM**. I'm not Jim and I'm not gonna be him. Not for a long time. Jim's the Captain. He's the one that...." Jim trailed off scowling but wouldn't continue to explain. When Spock prompted him to continue he shrugged and scowled again, but continued.

"He's just the one that's all. He's the Captain. I'm not. I'm Not the Captain and I ain't gonna be, and he's not coming back unless I say. He's gots too much stuff to think about and even if he does figure it all out that don't mean I haveta let him come back. I got stuff I gotta figure out too ya know, and my stuff is just as portant as his."

"Of course it is." Spock stated, not really grasping what Jim was saying, but hearing the desperation in the childlike voice of his friend. "If I am to understand you correctly, your condition, though temporary, is provisional...."

"I'm not a condition!" Jim cut him off. "I'm a person. Quit calling me a condition just acuz you like him better." Spock sighed realizing he had hurt Jim's feelings. James' feelings.

"I apologize. It was not my intent to hurt your feelings, and I have no preference toward your previous incarnation."

"Yes you do Spock. I know you like me just fine, but I know you liked him better and you wish he'd come back. That's why I can't sleep wif you. Cuz you like him better. Cuz you maybe like him more than you should sometimes and you still see him when you look at me. That's okay. You'll get used to me. Then you'll just see me. You'll still miss him though huh?"

"I suppose. It is a very confusing situation James."

"Yeah, I know. I didn't mean to yell. I'm just flushtrated."

"Frustrated."

"That too."

"For having the mind of a child, you are very...insightful James." Spock noted without really admitting anything.

"I'm asposed to be."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, you know, cuz of the stuff, so I'm asposed to be sightful, so it will help."

"Please clarify. To what 'stuff' are you referring."

"You know. The stuff. Like what I was saying before with the my stuff and his stuff."

"I see, and so when you have figured out 'the stuff' then Jim will return."

"I guess, but only if he figures out his stuff too, and then we both haveta agree or I can say no, that's the deal. I can say no, or he can say no, or both of us can say yes, but if only one says yes, then the whole thing's a no."

"I see." Spock wasn't really sure he did see, but it was clear that there was much more going on here than he and Dr. McCoy had originally anticipated. "If you and the Captain have to agree, does that mean you can communicate with him?"

"I guess..., maybe..., well, no, not really..., I dunno. It's …. complicated? Is that the right word?"

"Yes I believe it is."

"This is funny." Jim said dangling his legs off the end of the chase lounge and completely changing the subject. "I don't fit so good. Can we get a different bed in here tomorrow."

"You are quite sure that you cannot sleep in your own quarters?"

"Quite sure, it's scary. Least not now. Maybe someday when I get braver, but I'm not braver right now."

"Are you also quite sure that your cond....That _you_ will be staying with us for a while, and that Jim will not be returning to us any time soon?"

"Uh huh. Quite sure about that too. I know that makes you sad, but I can't be sorry about it, cuz I like that I get to spend some time wif you Spock. Jim didn't preciate it, but I do and I'm gonna...." Jim suddenly sighed dejectedly and cast his eyes downward once more. "Oh...." he said, as if someone had told him something he didn't want to hear.

"Oh what?"

Jim shrugged and continued to swing his legs off the end of the chase lounge before asking innocently if Spock could tuck him in.

"I will tuck you in, if you tell me what you are keeping from me." Spock said, spreading the blue and brown blanket over James, picture side up and tucking the blankets in around him.

"He did. Preciate it I mean. But I'm still not sorry, and if he felt that way he shoulda done somthin' about it, that's what."

"You are referring to Jim. He should have done something about what?"

"How he felt. I need to go to sleep now."

"I do not understand. To what feelings are you referring and what should Jim have done?"

"Can't say."

"You cannot say because you do not know, or you cannot say because you are not allowed? And if you are not allowed, who is making these rules for you and preventing you from telling me?" Spock urged, trying to ascertain what or who could be responsible for Jim's current predicament. Perhaps if he could ascertain who had done this, and why, it would help them reverse Jim's condition. James had spoken of a 'deal' so it was possible that he knew who was responsible.

"Um... it's not my thing to say Spock, it's his, Jim's. He has to tell you."

"I see, you cannot say, because it is not your place."

"Yeah, that. And I can't say who made us this way, acuz I don't know that, so you might as well stop tryin' to get me to tell you. I can't tell you what I don't know, and that's the truth."

"Once again, your insight is uncanny." Spock simply replied, internally noting James' use of the word **us** in his explanation.

He obviously had some communication or connection to his adult self's conscious. Whether or not they were indeed two separate incarnations or consciences residing in one body remained to be seen, and it wasn't clear whether or not James knew the answer to that question.

The question was, who did? The next question was, if he and Dr. McCoy could find out who knew and what the answer was, what would, or could, he and Dr. McCoy do about it?

Jim demanded another 'hugkiss' goodnight, which Spock indulged in letting himself enjoy just a bit this time, relenting himself to his supposed fate. He climbed back into his own bed, ordering the computer to keep the ambient lighting a 5% after ensuring that was enough lighting for James.

"It is if I can still see you Spock, and I can. Night Spock, luv you." James yawned before promptly falling asleep.

Spock didn't have time to return the spoken gesture, which was quite alright as he had no discernible response to the sentiment. He had much to think about. Many of the things James had said had been confusing and could constitute different interpretations. He would have much to discuss with Dr. McCoy in the morning.


	6. In Which Bears Have Pointed Ears

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings:** I have no idea what I'm talking about so I'm sure all the computer crap is completely wrong – and truthfully – I could go upstairs and have some guru check it over right now – but I don't wanna – so let's all just pretend that this is FICTION and that in some alternate reality it actually makes sense. Hehe.

Just don't flame me fore being a reject.

**Author's note:** Sorry this was a long time coming – just got midterms done. Updates will be slow for the rest of the semester but Spring Break is coming up. Yay.

Spock was once again awoken the next morning by James standing next to his bed pouting.

"What is the matter James?"

"I can't go potty and I don't know what to do."

"I see. What seems to be the problem?"

"Don't wanna say." James admitted sheepishly staring at his feet.

"James, if you do not tell me what the problem is, I cannot help you."

James shifted his weight from one foot to the other nervously as he contemplated whether or not to explain to Spock what the problem was. Finally he leaned over and whispered into Spock's ear, blushing furiously as he did so. Spock nearly grinned when he realized what the problem was....nearly.

"I see...perhaps you should try...showering first James."

"But I gotta go NOW!" James whined practically dancing back and forth on his feet.

"James, do you remember Jim having a similar problem n the mornings?"

"Yeah I guess." James shrugged.

"Cannot you do what he did?"

"No way! That's scusting!"

Spock had to struggle to hide his amusement at this remark. He formulated a way to approach the subject differently.

"That is not the method I was referring to James. There are different techniques that can be employed to quell the...problem. For example, you could meditate, or utilize certain breathing and calming exercises. However, the simplest method is to revert your thoughts,, think about something mundane, or tedious."

"Something boring?"

"Precisely. You should find that will remedy the situation."

James shifted back and forth on his feet more frantically. His brow furrowed as if he were concentrating very hard on something of great importance.

"I can't do it!" he finally spat exasperated.

"I see. There is a technique I can employ to help you , but I will have to engage a minor meld in order to help you." Spock explained, automatically reaching up towards the meld points on James' face.

"NO!" James shrieked, backing away from the Vulcan. "No MELDS! That's a big rule. They said no melds or I get in big trouble." James' face paled and his heart raced as he fell backward onto his makeshift bed. He seemed terrified, staring wide eyed at Spock.

"It is alright James" Spock spoke softly. "I will not perform a meld. Please do not be frightened. You are alright and you are safe with me. No one can hurt you here."

James seemed to calm and soon his fright turned into a pout and he slid off the chase lounge and shuffled back over to Spock, who was now sitting solemnly on his bed. James sat down beside him and hugged the Vulcan tightly, resting his head on Spock's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Spock. I didn't mean ta yell. Are you mad at me?"

"No James, of course not. Are you quite alright now?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I can go potty now too." James said perfunctorily, sliding off the bed and padding toward the bathroom. Spock thought to himself that he had much to discuss with Doctor McCoy indeed.

The rest of their morning went smoothly and soon they were on their way to breakfast. James refused to leave his blanket behind and ended up getting syrup all over it, which immediately upset him.

Nyota and Christine took James to the ships laundry to get it washed, which left Spock and Leonard to explain to Riley, Giotto and Janice Rand what was going n with the Captain. The others soon dispersed to their various duty shifts, and Spock was about to explain the events of the previous evening when he was called to the bridge to deal with a minor problem.

When Jim got to sickbay Bones gave him a thorough examination, but found no changes. Jim conveniently shared none of the previous evenings events with his friend the Doctor, telling him only that he got a bubble bath and a bedtime story.

When he repeatedly whined about being bored Bones had to find something for him to do. Christine remembered that there were a few tubs full of blocks and legos in the daycare and sent one of the medical yeoman to get them. They cleared out the back area of Bones' office for Jim to play in and he spent the better part of the morning erecting an elaborate block and lego city through which he ran hot wheels cars that the yeoman had also seen and brought.

Bones made notes in his file about his building ability, noting that his manual dexterity was fully intact, and that he seemed to have retained the ability to construct complex structures such as bridges ans skyways with no problems. The mechanics behind the bridges were sound as well, they were well shored and well constructed, but when Bones asked how he knew how to make them so well, James just shrugged.

He had managed to explain to Bones that he wouldn't let anyone call him Jim anymore, Jimmy was okay but not Jim. Bones found that very interesting as well and made a not to contact the ship's counselor to talk to Jim.... or rather James... about that later. He was just finishing up entering his observations into the database on the computer when the screen went blank and his file disappeared. He tried many things to retrieve it but it was to no avail, something was going on with his terminal and it wouldn't cooperate at all. He could get back to his files and pull any file up, but the minute he tried to add to it, the glitch re- occurred and the screen went blank and herky jerky before the main screen came back up again.

He swore up a storm hitting the damn thing for good measure until he had James giggling at him in the corner which of course only caused him to scowl deeper, so he gave in and called IT. They told him there was a problem in the mainframe and it was effecting several terminals throughout the ship and that they were working on it but couldn't nail down the problem.

They were sure it was a breakdown in one of the primary algorithms concerning data storage and file updates, but they hadn't been able to trace the source yet. The best they could do was to have a tech come up and reroute the Doctor's terminal temporarily so that he wasn't connected to the mainframe, then reconnect him once the problem was fixed and have him back up any changes he'd made to his files to the mainframe then.

Unfortunately because the problem was effecting random terminals ship wide, they were already stretched thin and it would be over an hour before a Tech could get to sickbay, which of course made Bones swear even louder and longer. Fortunately for the ensign in IT on the other end of the comm, someone from Engineering came in with a gash in his forearm and required immediate attention, so Bones severed the comm link and stomped out into the sickbay main room grumbling all the way.

When he came back into his office 30 minutes later he dropped the data PADD on his desk, knowing it would do no good to link it with his terminal and update the Engineering Lieutenant's file until after IT had fixed the problem, but when he turned the terminal on he could tell an immediate difference. His files had been moved around and seemed to be in a much more efficient order and the screen was no longer glitching at the bottom as it had been.

He experimentally pulled up the Lieutenant's file and synced his data PADD and then hit the update button and the data saved, not only to his terminal but to the mainframe as well. He was grateful but found it perplexing that he hadn't even seen the Tech enter sickbay or leave.

"Guess he must have been avoiding my wrath" he grumbled to himself hitting the comm button for IT.

"Dr. McCoy, I was just about to comm you." the ensign who he'd been talking to earlier stated.

"Yeah, I see you fixed the problem. The data I just entered saved to the mainframe as well, so I guess you must have tracked down the faulty algorithm. Good job kid."

"Well that's just it, we didn't and the Tech I was going to send up to your office never made it there yet."

"Well it's fixed isn't it? I mean I just came in here and my terminal was set up different, and all the bugs aren't...well... buggy anymore."

"Yes the problem is fixed, but we didn't fix it. As near as we can tell, somebody hacked into the mainframe, traced the problem to the source, repaired the algorithm and then remotely restored all of the terminals that had been affected, and that same somebody did a full restore to your terminal as well as adding a whole list of upgrades some of which I wasn't even aware were available for your system – we still haven't upgraded your terminal from the last system wide updates, but it looks like we don't need to now. The problem is, we don't know who did it, and it's got IT Security up in arms."

"What do you mean you don't know who did it?"

"Just that sir, it wasn't anyone in the IT department, and we've already contacted Commander....sorry.... Captain Spock, Ensign Chekov, and Commander Scott, and none of them were responsible for the hack or the algorithm repair or anything else. The only thing we do know sir, is that whoever did it, used your terminal. Um... is the Captain... you know, Captain Kirk, is he with you? I mean I heard that he, well, wasn't himself, and wouldn't be able to do something like this, but he's the only other person on board with the kind of computer skills to have pulled something like this off sir."

"Yeah, yeah he is here with me." Bones admitted thoughtfully, shooting a sideways look at James who seemed to be completely engrossed the the game he was playing as he sat in the middle of his block city. "Look, I can't imagine that he could have done it given his current …. medical condition, but, I don't have any other explanation for you. You are sure that it was my terminal that was used?"

"Oh yes sir, that's the only thing we are sure of at this point. I alerted Captain Spock just before you commed me. I was about to comm you and let you know what was going on and tell you that he said he'd be in sickbay shortly."

"Yeah well thanks, if I come up with any answers for you, I'll let you know."

"We'd appreciate it sir."

McCoy shut the comm link off and swiveled in his chair to face James, who was still playing in his block city and completely ignoring the Doctor.

"Jim... er.. James... look Sport, did you do something to my computer terminal while I was out fixing the Lieutenant's arm?"

James just shrugged at him and kept playing his game. Bones got down on the floor and scooted over next to the city so he could look over the wall and bridge at Jim.

"It's okay, you aren't in trouble, I just need to know. Did you?"

"Maybe. I heard you talkin' to that IT dude."

"Uh huh. So you knew that there was a problem with the mainframe?"

"Yeah, it wasn't that big a deal Bones."

"Oh really? Why do you say that?"

"Acuz it wasn't."

"Well, what do you mean though. What wasn't a big deal? You mean the problem with the mainframe?"

"Yeah, that. It was a algorithm like he said. The origination code expired. It just needed to be updated, so I updated it."

"You did huh? You know that would have meant re-writing the algorithm."

"Yeah I know. That's what I did... you sure I'm not in trouble?"

"No, no you're not sport. So let me get this straight. You used my terminal, to hack into the mainframe, track the problem to the source, find the degrading algorithm, re-wrote the algorithm, re-installed it into the mainframe, rebooted the entire ship system, and then wrote a subroutine that would automatically backtrack to all the affected terminals and restore them as well?'

"Uh huh. It's not that hard you know. Then I noticed your puter was on the upgrade list so I fixed that too. And I changed some stuff around to make it easier for you to access stuff from in here. An I dint hack the mainframe, I got access still yaknow, Jim was the Captain afterall, and Spock ain't changed our access codes yet."

"Spock **hasn't** changed your access codes yet James. Ain't is not a word, and I may have to remedy that and terminate your codes if you do not stop using them in inappropriate fashions without first getting permission from either Doctor McCoy or myself." Spock said from the office doorway, where he had obviously heard all or enough of James' explanation to understand who had fixed the computer issues.

"But you said last night was okay wif the door and stuff cuz I had a bad dream an.... HEY, where'd you get that cool bear?" Jim broke off suddenly spying the green teddy bear that the Vulcan was holding.

"I did say that you were not in trouble for using your access codes to enter my quarters last evening James, but that was because I should never have locked the door in the first place. As for using your codes to access the mainframe, you should have apprised Doctor McCoy or myself of what you intended on doing before you did so, and I expect you to use better judgment in the future. If you promise to seek permission before using your access codes again, I will not terminate them unless Starfleet orders me to do so, and you may have this bear that I found in the Daycare."

"I promise, I promise, I promise!" Jim exclaimed excitedly his eyes and attention focused only on the bear. He nearly knocked over the outer wall to his city trying to hurdle it and get to Spock to take the bear. "Wow he's so cool, he's just like the one I usta have cept he's green but that's even better cuz he reminds me of you Spock cuz you're kinda green too and Vulcans got green blood. Christine look at my bear!" he shouted excitedly at the nurse who came right over to see it.

"Guess you two had an eventful evening last night." McCoy said wryly to Spock.

"Indeed. It seems that James' computer skills are fully intact, as well as his fine motor skills, and mechanical abilities. There are other things you should know as well." Spock began to explain, looking at James reluctantly, not wanting to have this conversation in front of him. Christing seemed to pick up on that as well. James had been telling her he thought the bear should have pointed ears like Spock's.

"Well I think that's a fine idea Jimmy." she said to him and looked pointedly at Spock and the Doctor as she took his hand and led him out of the office. "I'll bet we could make his ears pointed like Spock's, what do you say we try?"

"Oh could we?" they heard him say as Christine led him away and out of earshot.

Spock then explained all of the events of the previous evening which perplexed Bones just as much as they had him.

"So wait, does that mean that Jim is still in that brain of his somewhere, maybe co-existing with this younger self?"

"I do not know for sure, It seems as if something like that is possible, there was one point when James seemed to actually talk to Jim internally, it is very complex, and very confusing and I do not know what these things are that they need to 'think about' or come to terms with in order for Jim to return to his normal state. I can only suggest that we continue to observe his behavior, and enlist the help of the ship's counselor in determining what the solution might be."

They talked things over for a bit longer, batting theories back and forth but ultimately getting nowhere, except for being more confused about what was going on with Jim than they were to begin with. Bones was rubbing his head and face in frustration when James came bursting back in with his bear who know proudly boasted pointed ears. Janice had somehow cut and sewn them that way, in that short amount of time.

"Isn't he awesome, I'm gonna call him Spock." James declared, hugging the bear closely to him, his blanket now all but forgotten, still lying in the middle of block city.

"Will not that be confusing?"

"Yeah kiddo. If you call the bear Spock, what are you gonna call Spock?"

"Hmmm, I dunno yet, I dint decided. How bout I just call him little Spock then? I'm hungry can we go get lunch?"

"Of course we can kiddo." Bones said, standing and clapping Jim on the back.

"Can little Spock come too? He's hungry too."

"Sure he can. Can't he Spock? What does little Spock eat?"

"I fail to see how he can eat anything. He is a stuffed bear. He is not alive, nor does he have a mouth or a digestive system."

"Of course he eats and his mouth is right here and he eats green stuff silly." James stated as if it should have been obvious to the other two as he took Spock's hand and practically drug the Vulcan out of sickbay.


	7. Of Playgrounds, Pals, and Parenthood

**Disclaimer:** SSDD – If I owned em I wouldn't be living with my mother.

**Warnings: ** Jim cries a lot – but he gets hurt so he's allowed. Maybe some swears form Bones.

**A/N: **So the orig. draft of this turned out way longer than I anticipated – I therefore split it into three segments – so you will get postings tomorrow and the next day too as I work out the kinks. The downside is, the original name for the chapter no longer fit and I don't like the new names – but…. c'est la vie!

* * *

The next two weeks flew by fairly swiftly as Spock and Leonard settled into their roles as primary caregivers for a very large preschooler. Said very large preschooler had been given permission by Starfleet to remain on board indefinitely on several grounds.

First of all Captain Pike had intervened, reminding Starfleet that they were establishing new protocols which put families first and allowed families to remain together whenever possible, allowing key crew member's families to live aboard the ship they were assigned to, in family unit quarters.

Jim considered Spock and Leonard family and because he had a strained relationship with his mother. Jim's brother and sister-in law had their hands full with three young children of their own, so it was deemed in James' best interest that he remain with Spock and Leonard aboard the Enterprise. Therefore they were granted temporary guardianship of James until such time that James previous memories and adult personality were restored.

Pike also pointed out that because Jim's considerable computer skills remained intact. Therefore, James could prove to be very useful as a crew member himself. He was soon assigned minor duties as an IT technician and a schedule was worked out so that one of the IT techs took responsibility for watching James while he was 'on duty' in IT, before he was returned to Spock, Leonard, one of the other bridge crew or various volunteers who had agreed to help out with James.

Last but not least, the admiralty agreed that they wanted Captain Kirk back in command as soon as possible, and they made it known throughout the fleet that priority was to be placed on locating and identifying the alien race that had taken Jim and caused this transformation. They felt that once the species was found, a peaceful negotiation could be reached and the best place for Jim to remain was aboard the Enterprise, as she was the fastest ship in the fleet, and would be able to reach any destination necessary for returning Jim to his former self, in the least amount of time.

Scotty started constructing a makeshift playground for James on one of the observation decks. Sulu was growing some of his larger botanical plants in the back half of that deck, so it had taken on a park like atmosphere anyway. Scotty made sure that the swings, slides and various climbing equipment were large enough and sturdy enough for a grown man to rambunctiously clamor over, but would still be accessible to regular sized children as well.

As the flagship, the Enterprise was often tasked with escorting various dignitaries, stranded parties, and or refugees bound for new colonies and this often meant hosting families and children. Scotty figured the playground equipment might as well be a permanent enhancement that could be utilized by guests and crew member's families in the future.

James excitedly helped in the construction of the playground equipment, testing each finished piece to make sure it was adequately fun, along the way. Of course his excitement caused him to chatter a mile a minute, asking hundreds of rapid fire questions, the likes of which Scotty couldn't possibly hope to answer in his lifetime. He didn't mind at all though, as long as James was having fun, that's all that mattered to him and James was definitely having fun.

The playground took another week or so to finish, since Scotty and anyone else volunteering to help with the project had to do so in their spare time, and that was something the Chief Engineer didn't have much of. By the time they were done James and Keenser had declared the project a success and fit for both big and small sizes. James immediately began scheduling play dates with all his friends and asking anyone and everyone if they thought there would be any kids to play with on board anytime soon, but no one knew.

Kevin Riley, Hikaru and Pavel seemed to be the most willing to cavort around the newly constructed playground with James. They spent hours swinging and climbing and playing hide and seek. They'd pretend the tower was their fort or castle to keep out pirates and icky girls.

Kevin especially seemed to enjoy this time with Jimmy, as it reminded him of time spent with Jim when they were both young, before everything went to hell on Tarsus. Kevin often wondered if this version of Jimmy remembered anything about Tarsus, but he never asked.

He didn't want to explain if Jimmy didn't remember and he didn't want to bring up painful memories that were better left forgotten if Jimmy had somehow retained any of the horrid events in his memory. Instead Kevin just focused on playing with his friend, elated that he could recapture some of the cherished times they had spent together so many years ago. It filled them both with joy and Kevin felt as if maybe he'd regained some of the childhood he'd been robbed of back then.

He and Jim had stayed friends of course and had been close over the years. They'd even helped each other out on numerous occasions, though Jim had done most of the helping, since he was older. Kevin had missed the friendship they'd had when they were younger though, when Jim was still a kid. Really Kevin shouldn't be able to remember playing with Jim on Tarsus, because he'd been so little, but he'd idolized the older boy back then, so the memories had held fast. It had been different after Tarsus, but Jim had still come out to San Francisco often to spend time with him during the three or four years following the incident. Kevin cherished those times too, so getting his childhood best friend back was worth whatever silly games he had to play and whatever amount of babysitting he had to do.

About a week or so after the playground had been finished James had his first bad accident when he decided to jump from one of the swings when it was far too high to safely jump from. He of course overshot the padded safety surface that Scotty had surrounded all the equipment with, landing on the very hard, flat surface of the observation deck with a loud thud, which was immediately followed by James howling and rolling around in pain.

"Oh my gosh Jimmy!" Kevin had cried as he rushed to Jim's side.

Jim was curled up trying to clutch his leg and his arm at the same time and tears were streaming down his face, his chest heaving with wracking sobs. Kevin finally got James to stand though he didn't seem to want to put any weight on his leg. Somehow they hobbled him out of the observation deck where a couple of crewmen immediately came to assist Kevin in getting James to sickbay.

Jim was curled in the fetal position and sucking his thumb, clad only in his underwear and covered by a sheet when Spock got to Sickbay. Spock rushed to James' side and the man-child sat up and clutched at his would be Father's blue science uniform shirt, burying his face in the fabric and hiccoughing sobs into it. Spock wrapped his arms around James and soothed him as he stroked his hair and raised a questioning eyebrow to Leonard. Just then Kevin came back in carrying James' beloved bear and blanket, which had been forgotten at the playground in their haste to get James to sickbay.

"There, now you have your blanket, your Little Spock and your Papa Spock, now can I take the pictures of your leg and arm please?" Leonard asked in an exasperated tone. "He wouldn't let me do nothin' till his Papa got here and he had his bear. I think he's fine, but I want x-rays just in case," he added pointed in explanation to Spock who nodded his understanding to the Doctor.

Spock looked down at James and suddenly became aware that there were small scrapes and bruises all over the man's body. Most seemed to be a few days old, but the worst were three very large very black and very fresh bruises on James' left bicep, left thigh clear up to his hip and another on the side of his left knee. His eyebrows rose in alarm as he examined the bruises more closely.

"Yeah they look pretty bad, that's why I want in depth scans, just in case he has any hairline fractures. He landed pretty hard. As for all these other bruises and scrapes, I'd say our little ward here has been playing too hard the last few days, so I've told him no more playground until all of the bruises are healed. He didn't protest too much. I feel bad that I didn't notice he was getting so banged up though. I'm his Doctor for God's sakes, and his god damned other Dad." Bones declared reprimanding himself.

"I did not notice either Leonard. He has been dressing himself in the morning I have been on Beta shift for the past three days. Hikaru and Pavel have been tending James in the evenings, so they have been seeing to his bath and bedtime routine. They did not mention anything to me."

"I don't let them help me wif my baff and jamies Papa," James hiccoughed. "Just only you and Bones cuz you're my Daddies. My leg hurts bad Papa, I wanna go home," he sobbed.

"I know you do kiddo but I gotta take the pictures first okay? Then Papa and I can take you home and get you some dinner and maybe watch a movie or something before bedtime alright?"

James just nodded his agreement and tried to get down off the bed but it was hard for him to put weight on his leg and it sent him into another round of choking sobs. Spock deftly swooped James up in his arms, thankful that his Vulcan strength allowed him to carry a grown man without much effort and followed Leonard over to the scanning bay where he laid James back down on the bed there. While Leonard allowed the scanner to run Spock perused the array of bruises, cuts and scrapes riddled all over James' arms legs and torso, feeling just as guilty as Leonard had professed for not noticing them earlier.

"You're not a bad Papa, Spock," James suddenly declared, sitting up on his elbows, which caused Spock's eyebrows to shoot up in question once again.

"Lay still kiddo, I'm not quite done," Leonard admonished softly as James lowering himself back down from his elbows so that he was lying still once again.

"For what reason did you make that statement James?" Spock inquired.

"Cuz I can see you lookin' at all my bruises and stuff and I know you are thinkin' just like Bones. You guys are good Dads. You're the best Dads in the whole entire universe even and you ain't a bad Papa just acuz you dint see 'em before. I know yer busy wif work and stuff. If I was hurt bad I woulda told you I promise." James stated crossing his heart.

"Ain't is not a word James, but thank you very much for your reassurance. I must admit that I was feeling a bit inadequate in my parental duties."

"Yeah, me too, thanks for sayin' it isn't so kiddo," Bones said smiling and reaching out to ruffle James' hair. "We're all done with the pictures. You can sit up if you want. Are you cold?"

"Yeah. Can I have my blankie back and Little Spock?"

"I will retrieve them," Spock assured as he crossed the room to get the beloved articles from the other bed and bring them to James.

"Well the good news is that there are no fractures, the bad news is that big bruise on his hip and thigh seems to have taken the brunt of the impact. You can see the deep tissue damage here," he explained, pointing out the damage to Spock, "and this darker area here is evidence that the femur bone is bruised as well. I'll do what I can with the dermal regenerator but he's going to be in a lot of pain for a few days and I'd like him to avoid putting too much weight on his left leg for a day or so as well."

"I'm afraid you will have to stay in our quarters until the damage is healed a bit James. I am off for the next two days so I will be there with you."

"Okay I guess."

Leonard ran the dermal regenerator over Jim's thigh, the bruise on the side of his knee and the one on his bicep as well, and then gave him something for the pain.

"Okay sport, let's get you dressed and get you home, but listen, no more jumping out of swings, ever, and that's an order."

"One I second James. You are not to play so recklessly in the future."

"K fine, can we go now, I'm hungry."

"It looks like he's feelin' better since his appetite is just fine." Bones said with a chuckle as he and Spock helped Jim get his pants and shirt on. Spock had to carry Jim who rested his head on Spock's shoulder, nearly the whole way back to their quarters, which left Leonard to carry Little Spock and James' blanket. The three of them made a very cute little family, as they made their way down the corridors. They knew this because of all the "Awes" and "how cutes" the female crew member uttered as they passed them.

Leonard was a bit irritated at the position this co-parenting put him in. He didn't want people thinking that he was gonna up and marry Spock and become his domesticated house husband or anything, but he'd do anything for Jim, and Jim really needed him to be his Dad right now, and possibly for a good long time. He decided that as long as he didn't have to sleep with the pointy eared bastard, he could live with the arrangement and the oohs and awes and how cutes as well.


	8. Of Revelations and Realizations

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings:** Well Bones has a potty mouth so he says swears. Naughty Bones. And… there are allusions to slashy feelings – but no actual slashy things happen.

**A/N:** Thanks to **MirrorFlower and Darkwind** who was the first to review as usual, and thanks to** Blue –Eyed Chica**, **passionfornight** and **raven2547** for their reviews also.

I am such a review whore, but they inspire me and keep me going so I want you guys to know how much I appreciate it – and to everyone else who has reviewed thus far….

**THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!**

* * *

The three of them had dinner together and then settled on the couch to watch a movie with James sandwiched in between them leaning against Bones and holding Spock's hand. Leonard had given James a pain medication that included a mild sedative and soon it took its toll on James. He fell asleep about halfway through the movie so Spock once again found himself carrying James, this time to the bedroom area.

"He still won't sleep in his own room huh?" Bones whispered as he pulled back the comforter and sheet on James' bed, which was directly across from Spock's own.

"No he will not, but I find that it is not as cramped as it seems, and he tends to have trouble sleeping at times so I am glad he is where I can hear him easily." Spock admitted tucking Little Spock in with James and waiting for Leonard to cover him with the sheet and comforter so that he could spread James' blankie out, picture side up, just the way he liked it.

Bones watched with a look of concern. Both men kissed James lightly on the forehead to complete their nightly routine for tucking him in, and then Leonard motioned for Spock to follow him into the other room.

"Has he been having nightmares?"

"I believe so. At first I thought he was just a restless sleeper. He frequently tosses and turns and whimpers in his sleep, but last week he cried out in his sleep a few times so I began to wonder if he was experiencing bad dreams. I have found that if I stroke his hair and speak to him softly, it seems to comfort him and he quiets."

"Yeah that's typical, I wondered if that was still going on. You should have told me. This whole duality thing has me all confused, and none of the neurologists I've talked to have been any help. The ship's counselor wants him tested for Dual Identity Disorder and put on psychotropic medication. I told her to stick it. I've got a call into his personal therapist to see if she can vid conference with him in the next day or so."

"What do you mean by typical? Did Jim suffer from frequent nightmares before?"

"Yeah he did. I sometimes have to give him sedatives, or sleeping aides. I just didn't know if James would have the same dreams. I guess it makes sense that he would if Jim is still in there and his memories are still in there with him, them… whatever.

Look Spock, I probably shouldn't be telling you this but from what you are describing, it sounds exactly the same as when I was rooming with Jim at the academy. I did the same to soothe him, but this tossing and turning and whimpering, it's just the tip of the iceberg, and if I'm right it won't be long till he has a doozy of a nightmare, or even a night terror. He doesn't have the bad ones very often anymore, but injuries or especially difficult situations bring them on sometimes. With circumstances being what they were, you know, with Kevin being there when he got hurt, well he'll definitely be having a doozy here in the next couple of days. I'd set my watch by it."

"What do you mean by especially difficult situations and why should you not tell me of this. Is it not pertinent to caring for James?"

"Yes it is pertinent and need to know, which is why I'm breaking protocol and telling you. We'll have to contact Admiral Pike tomorrow and let him know so that he can put the clearance paperwork through. He already has it sitting on his desk, just in case we needed to do this.

Look you better sit down Spock. What I mean by difficult situations is anything that is emotionally distressing for Jim. For example, if we lose a crew member on an away mission. He doesn't show that it affects him at all on the outside, does his duty as Captain, informs the family members and goes about his business, doing his job, so I'm sure you had no idea, but inside it eats him up.

He takes it personally and feels like a failure every time we lose someone. It's because of his past and he's been in counseling for years, but not with the ship's counselor, he has a private therapist who has clearance. They vid conference for the bad shit, but mostly it's just me dealing with the aftermath. He knows that it's part of the job and he can't save everyone, but there's a part of him that can't let go of the guilt and that's the part that triggers the nightmares.

I've learned that if we lose somebody on a mission or in a battle I automatically need to sleep in Jim's room, with a hypo ready. The nightmares get bad and he wakes up crying and inconsolable sometimes. He needs physical contact so I hold him and it helps, unless of course it was worse than just losing one crew member, then sometimes I can't just hold him. In fact I have to remember to sleep on the couch if it's been a really bad situation. If I don't, I end up with a black eye."

"I do not understand."

"No you couldn't, not yet. You see if it's worse, like that battle we got into with the Klingons a while back when we lost 12 people on D deck during the firefight and so many others were injured, or when we found that entire colony of people on Maris outpost II slaughtered by who knows who, well then he has night terrors and they are really bad. He gets violent."

"How so?"

"He doesn't just wake up crying, he wakes up screaming and comes out of the bed swinging. His eyes are open but he's not awake, he's still in the middle of the dream, screaming at the soldiers, screaming at Kodos, trying to save the kids, fighting for his life and their lives. He'll come at me thinking I'm the enemy. Those two times I told you about were so bad I couldn't get him settled down by myself. I thought about calling you but you didn't have clearance, so I called Kevin, just like I did at the academy, poor kid, but I was damn glad he was here aboard the ship so that I could call him. When Jim was able to see Kevin and see that he was okay, it brought him out of it and he quit screaming and fighting and I was able to sedate him."

"You are referring to the young Ensign in Engineering, Kevin Riley are you not? This would be the same Ensign Riley who was playing with Jim today when he was injured?"

"Yeah, yeah I am, and yes he was with Jim, which is why I'm sure he'll be having a whopper of a nightmare in the next day or two. You'll need to call me if he has one tonight, but I gave him a sedative with the pain meds to help him sleep so he might not."

"I do not understand. Why would calling an Ensign for help be a better alternative than simply calling for me? I am much closer after all, and why did I not hear the Captain screaming?"

"Because he made sure you wouldn't. He installed soundproofing algorithms into his environmental controls and on the bad days, we turn them on before he goes to sleep, just in case."

"I see, however, that does not answer my earlier query, nor does it explain your reference to the children or the soldiers, nor does it explain the significance of Ensign Riley's presence and why his presence would serve to instigate one of Jim's nightmares. Also, you mentioned…..Kodos….." Spock suddenly stopped himself, as if a light had gone on in his brain. "Leonard are you referring to Governor Kodos, of the Tarsus IV colony?"

"Yes Spock, I am. You puttin' two and two together now?"

"I believe I am. Jim was one of the Tarsus Nine, and if my assumption is correct, so was Ensign Riley."

"Yep, now you understand why I couldn't tell you. Jim had to get permission to tell me back at the academy, but they figured with the nightmares and me bein' his primary physician and his roommate and all, that it was prudent that I know. That's part of why he roomed with me all three years and didn't switch dorms after getting accepted to the Command track.

He would have ended up serving on the same ship as me and bunking with me instead of some other random officer had he not got the Captaincy and been assigned private quarters. Pike had already filed for special circumstances for us for after graduation, though I heard the rumors. A lot people and even some of the higher ups who don't have access to Jim's files thought Jim and I were together, you know, a couple, and thought that it was a spousal assignment. I figured whatever, that was better than them knowing the truth right?"

"I see. Were you?"

"Was I what?"

"Were you…..together?"

"You just found out that Jim went through the hell that was Tarsus IV when he was a kid, watched thousands of people being murdered, lived through starving and nearly freezing, and fighting for his life and the lives of all the other kids he was trying to save, and your only question, is whether or not Jim and I were screwing each other?"

"I would not have put it so crudely."

"Fine, but you're serious aren't you, you damned green blooded elf? Your concern is not his emotional wellbeing, or the fact that he's permanently traumatized and scarred for life, your concern is whether or not he and I were involved before all of this, romantically?"

"I do not mean to sound callous Leonard, please do not misunderstand. I am grievously concerned about Jim's wellbeing, mentally, emotionally and physically. More so than you could possibly know. There is simply nothing that I can do to change the fact that he experienced something so horribly traumatic. I can only use the information you have given me to aid in helping him in the future, and I am very grateful that you have shared that information with me.

As for your relationship with Jim, please, disregard my query. It was far too intrusive and personal and I realize that it is none of my business, I simply…, wanted to ascertain whether or not there were other memories of Jim's,… that James might encounter concerning you, and thought that it would be prudent to be aware in case it became relevant…."

Bones cut him off, laughing as the Vulcan seemed to stumble over his words in his lengthy, unnecessary and obviously untrue explanation.

"Spock stop, don't worry about it. You don't have to make shit up to cover your curiosity. This is me you're talkin' to. I get what the deal is, I caught that remark about you caring about Jim more than I could possibly know, and I saw the look on your face when you said it. I'm learnin' to read you about as good as Jim does since we been spendin' so much time together playin' 'My Two Dad's' to James. I get what's goin' on and you don't need to worry, Jim and I weren't together that way. I love him a lot, but like a brother, and now like a son, not that way Spock. I like girls. I like girls with long hair and big boobs and long legs and…. Well you get the idea."

"Yes I believe I do." Spock said furrowing his brown and swallowing hard as the realization that Leonard did indeed know why Spock's curiosity had been so piqued by the allusion to the possible relationship between the Captain and the Doctor. He began to fidget a bit, not that anyone besides Jim or apparently Leonard would have been able to detect that he was fidgeting and not merely standing in the middle of the room in contemplative silence. Leonard chuckled to himself again and clapped Spock on the arm lightly.

"If it's any consolation, I think he felt the same way. He never said anything, but every once in a while he'd look at you when you weren't looking at him, and I could tell. And if you are wondering, yeah Jim liked girls, but he didn't** just** like girls, if you get what I'm sayin'.

"Yes…I….thank you." Spock said slowly, heaving a sigh of relief at the partial admission.

"Don't worry about it. If we every figure this thing out and get Jim back, tell him Spock, and don't give me any lip about your command and your duties, just tell him. If we don't get him back, well then…, Jesus I don't know….

This whole thing must be really hard for you sometimes, a lot harder than I realized. I'm sorry Spock. If I'd known I would have tried to help out more or something. Do you need me to start takin' him at night? I can. We can move him in with me, or I can stay in here with him and you can sleep in my room or his room or whatever you need."

"No, that will not be necessary Leonard, but thank you. It is quite…difficult at times, I am very conflicted by the duality but I find myself very attached to James, to Jim in any form, and I would rather deal with the difficulty that be separated from him. Also I would not want him to feel as though I did not wish to be with him."

"Yeah, he would feel that way too. He'd think he did something wrong or you didn't love him anymore or something like that. Kid's always do. Joanna did when me and Jocelyn got divorced. Anyway, just lemme know if you need me to help more. If you have a particularly conflicting day or somthin' I can take him. We'll just tell him you have to work. My point is you don't have to put yourself through hell, not when I'm here."

"I know Leonard, and I promise you, now that you are aware of the extenuating … circumstances, if I need your assistance, I will indeed ask for it."

"Good. Look it's been a long day, I'm gonna head to bed. I'll come back first thing and check on his bruises and give him some more pain meds. He'll be a little lethargic tomorrow because of them, but that'll help keep him from getting restless. Night Spock."

"Good night Leonard, and thank you again, for everything." Spock spoke sincerely.


	9. In Which There Are Very Bad Dreams

**Disclaimer:** I have no money and am certainly not making any here.

**Warnings:** This is pretty angsty and heavy. Lots of James crying and Spock dealing with his slashy feelings. There are mentions of Tarsus.

**A/N:** There's a little tiny bit of a twist in the middle somewhere, let me know what you thought of it.

And as always – thanks for the wonderful reviews and kind words.  
**Sharingan-Fer-Sure** - you made my day  
and **passionfornight** – I know huh? Poor Spock – it's so conflicting for him – and it will only get worse.

* * *

After Leonard left, Spock tried to meditate. He needed to think about everything that he had learned and been forced to admit that evening. He had not wanted to admit his feelings towards Jim, not even to himself, but the surge of jealousy he had felt when he had envisioned Leonard sleeping in the same bed with Jim, holding him, comforting him, had been more than he could ignore.

His heart had ached when he had realized that Leonard and Jim might have been more than friends. It had meant that his suppressing his feelings on the grounds that Jim preferred women had quite possibly been unnecessary, and that despite that revelation, Jim would still be beyond his reach if he already belonged to another.

When Leonard had realized why Spock had reacted in such a peculiar manner, and then confronted him and consequently given him reason to believe that Jim might actually return the feelings that he had been striving so long to ignore, it had been a relief. In fact, Spock had felt immense relief and had released a burden he had not known he was carrying by, not quite, admitting to Leonard that his assumptions were correct.

He had to admit to himself now that he had been in love with Jim before this transformation had occurred. He was unsure what that would mean or how it would affect his now parental relationship with James, but for the time being he felt less tense than he had in quite some time. The realization gave him peace somehow.

The peace ebbed into contentment and a wave of weariness washed over him. He put away his meditation tools and headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed, making sure the lights were out and the door was secure before he did so. After changing into pajamas and brushing his teeth, he stood at the sink, staring at his reflection in the mirror, or rather beyond it, contemplating how to put his feelings for Jim aside so that he could concentrate on the job at hand when he heard James cry out from the bedroom.

"Papa! Papa! Papa where are you? Help, Papa help!" he heard the terrified voice scream.

"I am here James!" Spock answered running into the bedroom area which he realized was completely dark. He had not left the ambient lighting on before going into the bathroom, and the bathroom door had been shut. He'd been too wrapped up in his own thoughts and had forgotten that James was afraid of the dark.

The light from the now open bathroom door illuminated the space and he saw James' terror filled pale white face stained with tears staring back at him. He quickly went to him and enveloped him in his arms, soothing and reassuring him that everything was alright.

"I wuz so scared, where wuz you?"

"I was just in the bathroom James. You know that I would not leave you." He said kissing the top of James' head as he rubbed his back and rocked him gently, urging him to stop crying.

"I thought you did though, I thought they got you too! I cudnt see and I thought I wuz all alone and the soldiers were still comin Spock. The soldiers did come and I couldn't find Kevin nowhere. I tolded him to hide under the bed but when I went to get him he wusn't there no more and I couldn't find him and I couldn't find Tommy neither and they were out there Spock, with their guns and their dogs and .. and.. and.." he choked and sobbed into Spock's shirt "and Sarah was out there Spock, she ranned out and they shot her, I heard it, I heard 'em kill her Spock and I…. I had to look.. I had to see… so I peeked between the boards and I saw it Spock, I saw her blood all over the snow. It was so red, and it was all my fault. I told her to run, it was all my fault, and then I dint know where Kevin and Tommy wuz and I wuz sure they wuz dead too and it was all my fault too and the dogs were getting closer. I was so scared so called for you and then it was all dark and you wuzn't here either and I thought they got you too Papa. I thought they got you too…" he sobbed.

"They did not, and I did not leave you James. I would never willingly do that. I am right here and I am safe with you. You are safe as well and the soldiers are not coming, the soldiers are gone James, gone forever, and Kevin is just fine."

"Are you sure? Are you sure Kevin is okay? I couldn't find him, he wasn't under the bed."

"He is alive and well, because you saved him. Do you not remember this?"

"I …. I guess so.. I just… I hate the bad dreams… I hate the Sarah dreams… God Spock" he sighed heavily "… it **was** all my fault. She shouldn't have died. I might as well have killed her myself" Jim's voice echoed through the semi dark room, before his body was once again racked with shuddering sobs.

Spock felt a shock surge through his body. The voice and the diction had definitely changed. He continued to hold the sobbing man rubbing his back and rocking him gently but he felt a nervous hope rising through him. When the sobbing seemed died down and the former Captain quieted he tentatively spoke?

"Jim?"

The only reply he received was what was obviously James shaking his head no furiously and mumbling something that might have been "gone" or "not" or something similar. Spock tried to decipher whether or not he was disappointed or relieved that it was James that he was still holding and not Jim. He became aware that his shirt was wet with tears and released James just a bit stating that he would need to change his shirt in an amused tone that he hoped would help James snap out of his revery.

It did a bit. He sat back on the bed and wiped his nose, muttering that he was sorry for soaking Spock's shirt and once again asked after Kevin. It was obvious that he needed to physically see Kevin for himself. Kevin had somehow become somewhat of an anchor for him over the years according to Leonard.

"Would you like me to call him?"

"Oh yes Papa would you?"

Spock, not wanting to leave James, took James over to his bed and hit the comm on the interface on his headboard. Fortunately Ensign Riley had not been asleep and answered immediately.

"Yes Captain?"

"Ensign Riley…, Kevin. I am in need of your assistance. James has had a nightmare. It was not a night terror, but it was quite disturbing, and he needs to see you, to see that you are alright."

"I understand sir. Tell him I'm on my way. I'll stop and get Dr. McCoy on my way."

"Thank you. You see, he is fine and he is on his way."

"Thanks Papa." James said quietly still heaving hiccoughing breaths and intermittent sobs.

"Shhh shhhh, it was not your fault James. You were just a child. You did the best that you could. Kevin is still alive today because of you, remember that." He sat there holding James and rocking him some more until he heard Leonard using his override code to unlock the main door and enter his quarters with Kevin on his heels.

"Hey Jimmy, you okay?" Kevin said immediately coming over to sit by Jim and accept the embrace that was immediately thrust upon him by the still crying former Captain. "Hey buddy, it's okay, I'm here and I'm okay. We're both fine see? So what was it this time?"

"Sarah." James said. The one word explanation was more than enough and it made Kevin go pale and swallow hard.

"Wow, that's one of the bad ones Jimmy. I'm so sorry Jimmy. I'm sorry I wasn't where you told me to be. I know you told me to hide under the bed but I got scared when I heard the dogs barking so close, so I hid in the closet instead. I know you were scared, but it's not your fault Sarah got killed. She ran the wrong way remember. You told her to run to the woods with everyone else so the soldiers wouldn't see her. The woods were in back. She ran across the courtyard instead remember?

Remember how you told us later that you didn't know why she ran across the courtyard, she just did, so they saw her. That's why they shot her Jimmy, because she ran the wrong way remember? That's not your fault. And then remember what happened? After that you found me, remember? We ran out the back the right way, and when we got to the woods Tommy was there and the others were too. You did good that day Jimmy, you got us all out of there, and Sarah would have been fine too if she'd run the way you told her to Jimmy, it wasn't your fault that she panicked. It wasn't your fault."

Spock listened to consolation, which sounded almost rehearsed. Leonard caught his eye just then and seemed to inherently understand what he was thinking.

"They've been down this road a time or two. Sarah's one of the bad ones. I used to have to call Kevin when we were back at the academy for the Sarah dream and a couple of the others. Poor damn kid, he was 14 years old and having to come mollycoddle a damned grownup's ass."

"It's nothing Jim didn't do for me over the years when I needed him," Kevin spoke up. "I've had my own share of nightmares and therapy sessions and freak outs you know. He drove clear across the damn country from Iowa one time when I was 10 and had a massive breakdown at school. He stayed in San Francisco with me for a week to make sure I'd be okay. That was back when I was a ward of the Federation, no parents, no family, so I kinda grew up at or around the academy. I lived with Admiral Archer's daughter for a while, before I got into the academy early when I was 13. I'd been at the academy about a year when Jimmy here showed up. Boy was I happy to see him. He was a mess before that weren't you Jimmy?"

"I guess, maybe a little." James admitted, daring to grin slightly, his sobs having now subsided.

"You gonna be okay now?"

"Yeah, thanks for comin' Kev." James said giving Kevin another big hug.

"Anytime. You know that Jimmy. I love you man, you're the only family I got left."

"Nuh uh, now you got Spock and Bones too."

"He's right there Kevin." McCoy agreed, Spock nodding in the affirmative by his side.

Kevin was grateful for that and let them know it before he left. Leonard gave James a sleeping aid then made sure Spock didn't want him to stay before saying goodnight again and leaving himself. Leonard had turned out the bathroom light before leaving and had secured the door to their quarters as well. Spock quickly changed his shirt and then sat back down on the bed with James. He was immediately plastered with six feet of former Captain and it was clear that there would be no extricating said former Captain any time soon. Since James already had his blanket and bear over on Spock's bed somehow, there was nothing left to do but give in and let James sleep with him.

Leonard and mentioned that sometimes there were multiple nightmares in one night, so it was probably best and Spock was tired of fighting it. These were extenuating circumstances after all and James needed him, needed the contact, and to know that he was not alone.

He laid down bringing James with him as he did so and pulled the covers over both of them. Then he snuggled up close with James, stroking his hair and rubbing circles on his back, urging him to go to sleep. As the tension left James' body he completely wrapped his limbs around Spock and muttered a thank you into his chest. Soon his breathing evened out as sleep started to overtake him and Spock allowed himself to enjoy holding James just a little.

He held on tight to the man-child, wanting to make it very clear to both James and Jim, if Jim were really still in there somewhere, that he was not going anywhere. In fact, if he had anything to say about it James would never be alone again. He knew he'd heard Jim's voice earlier and he wanted to convey to Jim that if he ever came back to him he would never be alone again either, provided that's what he wanted, for Spock would never willingly leave him. Not now that he knew where he belonged, and where he belonged was by Jim's side, no matter what the universe threw at them.


	10. In Which Something Comes Up

**Disclaimer:** Not really mine – just borrowing

**Warnings:** Probly a few swears… but mostly it's just really really** INNAPPROPRIATE** as hell – and slashy and… yeah this is where it might "all go bad" and you might all hate me.

Very inappropriate…..

Poor Spock…

**A/N:** Please forgive me for the Title, but I HAD to… (I'm going to Hell for this whole chapter… – I know this)

* * *

James was hurting pretty bad when he woke up and he had a hard time even getting to the bathroom so they decided to opt for a morning bath instead of a shower. While the bathwater was running Spock called Leonard who was there before James got into the tub. Leonard gave him a thorough check up and then helped him get all his tub toys into the bathtub before leaving him to his bath.

"How was the rest of the night? Any more nightmares?"

"Yes I believe so, but none so severe that they woke him up. I was able to calm him quickly each time he stirred. He did not mention remembering anything other than the "Sarah" dream when he awakened this morning."

"Well that's good at least. They may have been Frank dreams. Sometimes those follow the Tarsus stuff but they don't bother him as bad and he don't always remember 'em. Mostly I knew because he'd yell out Frank's name or something."

"Frank was Jim's stepfather was he not?"

"Yeah and he was a mean bastard. He used to beat the shit outta Jim and Sam when their Mom was off planet."

"Why did she not put a stop to it?"

"Who knows. I don't think she really believed them for one, and I'm not sure she really cared for another. That's why Jim has such a strained relationship with her to this day. She did finally divorce the guy after Jim drove his Dad's car into the quarry, and Sam tried to run away, but she didn't stop working off planet, which is why Jim and Sam ended up on Tarsus with relatives."

"Jim's brother was one of the Tarsus Nine as well?"

"No, no, Sam was back on Earth at their Uncle's place in Idaho when the famine hit and all that shit went down with Kodos. Their Uncle John had been in an accident and broken his leg pretty bad, among other things, and needed some extra help on the farm so he sent for Sam to come stay with them for a few months. He felt pretty bad he didn't send for both boys afterward, but he couldn't have known."

"You know a great deal about Jim's background and family."

"Yeah well we've been like brothers for a few years now. He knows everything about mine too. Don't worry Spock, you'll get there with him, you just haven't known him long enough or well enough yet."

"I am not worried, merely curious."

"Uh huh. I suppose you aren't jealous either, because that would be one of those human emotions you don't possess right?"

"Precisely."

"Whatever you wanna tell yourself. I'll pretend support your delusions… for now. I'm gonna go down and grab you guys some breakfast and bring it back here. I know you have a replicator but it's not full service and I don't want him walking on that leg much today. Speaking of, I didn't give him any pain meds yet. I think the bath and the warm water will help and I didn't want to give him anything until after he was out of the tub. I'll leave this hypo here in case he needs it before I get back. I gotta check on Sickbay too, you want your usual?"

"Yes please and James mentioned that he would like cocoa this morning instead of juice… he also requested pancakes but I told him that was up to you."

"Got it. Hey kiddo, you want scrambled eggs and bacon with your pancakes and cocoa too?"

"Yes pwease!" came the reply from the bathroom amidst boat noises and splashes.

"What? Don't look at me like that with your eyebrow raise. The kid's sick, I can indulge him if I want to."

"He is not."

"Well he's hurt and that's as good as the same. Eating a little unhealthy for one day ain't gonna kill nobody."

Spock tilted his head and crossed his arms over his chest as his eyebrows raised again in utter confusion. He wondered for a brief second if the alien race who had transformed Jim had also done something to Dr. McCoy.

"Knock it off."

"Ain't is not a word. It must be your undue influence causing James to pick it up and regurgitate it."

"Fine, I'll quit sayin' it. Just quit lookin' at me like I'm outta my mind. I'm a bit of a sap when it comes to kids okay. That's my big dirty secret. Joanna's got me wrapped around her little finger and…well…. so does Jim."

"In any form I believe."

"Yeah so?"

"I find it amusing. I believe Jim's current state is giving you the excuse you've always wanted to give in to him and treat him with kindness and love instead of gruffness and bickering."

"It's not like I bend to his every whim, it's just…. I… Hey!.. I'm not admitting anything. In fact I don't even know what you're talking about, even if you are right. I'm goin' to get breakfast. Good bye."

"Good bye Leonard," Spock said smirking at his friend and co-parent.

James was still playing vigorously in his bubble bath, bombing his submarine with his fighter plane so Spock opted to go ahead and shower and shave before Leonard returned. He undressed in the bedroom, threw a towel around his waist and went into the bathroom where he was greeted with James bright smiling face.

"Hi Papa, is my Bones agonna bring us breakfast?"

"Yes he is, he has some things to do first but he will bring breakfast here so that we don't have to go to the commissary."

"Okay, you gonna shower?" James asked dive bombing his sub once again with machine gun noises.

"Yes I am. I will hurry, and then I can help you get out of the tub."

"I'm fine, I'm havin' fun and the water makes my leg feel better."

Spock showered quickly and then wrapped the towel back around his waist before stepping back out. He was not quite comfortable with nudity where James was concerned, which did make James' bath time awkward and conflicting at times.

When he stepped out he asked if James was ready to get out of the tub but apparently he was not, so Spock told him he could stay in until he was done with shaving, brushing his teeth.

"How bout you get dressed first?" James said finally looking up at Spock and focusing his attention on him for the first time since Spock got out of the shower. James seemed to become fixated on something and his face contorted slightly. His eyes widened, and then widened some more before he backed up slightly in the tub, and swallowed hard.

"Are you alright James?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he said a little too quickly as he stared intently at Spock, eyeing him up and down.

"Are you sure? Are you in pain? You are acting peculiarly."

"I'm fine!"

"Perhaps we should get you out of the tub now so that I can look at your bruises and give you the pain medication that your Bones left for you."

James eyes went even wider at this suggestion and he looked straight down at his lap, or rather the bubbles covering his lap and backed clear to the back of the tub, bringing the bubbles with him.

"NO! I'm not getting' out right now. Now way. Can't you just go shave or somthin'?"

"James please tell me what is wrong."

"There ain't… isn't… anything wrong, I swear, I'm just… I'm… I'm not done playin' yet, that's all, just… can't you please just go shave and stuff, please."

"I will go shave, but you are still acting peculiarly and I would like an explanation."

James went silent and made it clear that Spock was not getting an explanation. Spock stared at himself in the mirror as he shaved trying to discern what could have caused James abrupt shift in behavior. He didn't look any differently than he usually did, aside for the fact that he was wet and his usually perfectly combed hair was mussed from running the towel over it and running his hands through it before he stepped out of the shower, yet James had seemed scared of him all of the sudden.

As he shaved and brushed his teeth he could no longer hear James playing, as he claimed he was not done doing. I glanced in the mirror to find James studying him intently with a strange look on his face. He was absent mindedly chewing lightly on the wing of his plane and licking his lips or biting his lower lip as he did so. It was very distracting. Had it been Jim and not James, Spock might have wondered if the look on Jim's face were one of lust, but it was not Jim, it was James, so Spock was utterly confused.

"I am done, and you are no longer playing. It is time to get out of the bathtub and get dressed. You still have to shave yourself before your Bones gets back with your breakfast."

"No! I'm not getting out, not yet."

"James…"

"I said no Spock." James declared backing as far away from Spock as he could get in the tub, bringing the bubbles with him again.

"Please tell me what is wrong. You act as if you are scared of me. Have I done something wrong?"

"Wrong? No! No you dint I promise I just can't get out right now, " he tried to explain, lowering his eyes and refusing to meet Spock's gaze. "Can't you just go get dressed Spock, please? I just, I need you ta leave me alone for a minute k?"

"I do not understand."

"Please. Please just go get dressed and stuff, and shut the door. I can get out and get dressed all by myself, I'm a big boy."

"Normally I would not argue. However, you do not like the door shut, you are acting peculiarly, and I believe that with your injuries you will need assistance dressing this morning. Did you not need assistance undressing?"

"I… yeah… but.. please just go Spock."

"James." Spock stated simply raising his voice, believing this would cause him to snap out of his mood and comply, but it did not.

"GO SPOCK!" James shouted, but his voice and demeanor had once again changed and it was Jim's voice, the Captain's voice that reverberated through the bathroom bouncing off the tiles. It was an order, not a request and Spock obeyed it before giving himself time to think.

Once he was in the bedroom he was overcome by a wave of confusion. What was happening? Was Jim coming back? What would that mean? He wanted Jim back, wanted it badly, but at the same time, he had grown attached to James, grown attached to being a father, and he didn't want to lose that. Leonard returned while he was still sitting on the bed, unsure what to do. He filled Leonard in on what had happened quickly and the doctor decided to go talk to James, or Jim, or whoever was in the bathroom himself.

"Get dressed Spock, I'll see what I can do."

Spock heard the conversation through the now open door, and could tell that it was definitely James that Leonard was talking to. Had he imagined Jim's voice, just because James had never really raised his to Spock in such a manner? He had raised his voice in fear, but not in anger. He listened to the voices coming from the bathroom trying to understand what was going on with James.

"Because I can't that's why. I gotta stay in here and… and… think of boring stuff."

"And just why exactly do you need to think of boring stuff kiddo."

"Acuz Papa said it helps when…. acuz I just haveta that's why, please don't come no closer."

"James, I'm not just your best friend and your surrogate Dad, I'm your doctor too. Whatever is going on, you need to tell me."

"No way!"

"Why?

"Acuz it's too embarrassing…."

"It's embarrassing? Wait, it's embarrassing and Spock told you to think of boring stuff?"

"Well yeah, I think he said mundane, but that was the other time, this is different, and the thinking of boring stuff works in the morning and the meditation stuff he teached me works in the morning sometimes too, but this ain't… isn't… that, this is different and that stuff ain't…. isn't.. working."

"Mornings…. OH!.. Oh… I see…. Okay, I'm on board now and I get it. Umm…. Whys this different sport?"

"It just is" James said so quietly that no one but Spock would have heard him from that distance.

"Okay, I'll bite, what brought it on? Were you um… you know… playing with it?"

"Huh? No… I… no…"

"Was it something you were thinking about, maybe a girl from Jim's memories or something?"

"Not zactly… I don't wanna say Bones."

"How about if you whisper it to me."

"I dunno…"

"I can't help if I don't know what caused it Sport."

Spock heard whispering but couldn't discern what was being said. However he did find comfort in knowing what the problem was and that it was James' embarrassment that had caused him to react the way he had.

"Oh…. Shit…." Leonard mumbled.

"Don't say swears."

"Sorry kiddo, I just… wow this … not good … okay look…" Leonard then started mumbling and whispering in a very quiet tone, which was followed by more whispering and mumbling back and forth.

"But I don't wanna, it's gross," James finally declared.

"Look I can give you something that will make it go away, but I'll have to go all the way down to sickbay to get it, and, well, there's a good chance this is gonna happen again kiddo. It would be better if you learn to deal with it on your own. Meditation and all that might work next time – but, do you want to have to call me every time it doesn't, and then get an injection?"

"No…"

"Well then what do you think is the best solution? I'm just tryin' to help Jim."

"James."

"Right, sorry, but I am just trying to help. You tell me. You want me to go get the other hypo, or not?"

"…..No….I can… "

That was all Spock heard other than a big sigh.

"Okay, look um… do you want to stay in the bathtub or do you want to go into your own room or what?"

"Just go way Bones."

"Okay but your Papa and I will be right outside if you need help."

"That's not helping."

"Sorry Sport… I'll just… go okay?"

Leonard came out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him to find that Spock had set the table and was quietly picking at his fruit and looking expectantly toward Leonard.

"We have a problem."

"I gathered. I take it James has agreed to…. Rectify the problem himself."

"Yeah I talked him into it, which in itself was a little creepy, but that's not the problem. The problem is what caused the erection to begin with."

"Which was what?"

"Which was **you** that's what! You standing there dripping wet with nothing but a towel hanging low on your hips, your face covered in dark stubble and your hair… and I quote "all mussed and sexy looking", end quote. I'm not even gonna tell you what else he said, but Jim's memories and desires are definitely still in there and influencing him."

Spock's face froze at the explanation. His gaped at Leonard in disbelief and as Leonard explained what James' had obviously said and felt, the fork that he'd been holding dropped and clattered loudly as it bounced off the table and onto the floor. He slowly looked down at the fork and then looked back up at Leonard, his jaw hanging open, at a loss for words.

"Exactly," Leonard agreed.


	11. Of Conversations and Complications

**Disclaimer:** yadda yadda…

**Warnings:** slashy sort of stuff wrapped in syrup and sugar. Adult themes .

**A/N:** So this is the last day of Spring break – this chap is a little longer than the others but will probably be the last one for a bit. I hope not because I'd really like to get going on the meat of what's going on here and get into the more serious stuff – but I need TIME for that – which is in limited supply during school.

Thanks to everyone for the WONDERFUL reviews and for reassuring me that this doesn't suck. It's such a weird concept that I worry.

Thanks for reading.

You guys are awesome.

* * *

Spock and Leonard talked quietly, trying to decide what to do about the predicament while they waited for James to …._ finish_… so that they … or just Leonard… could help him get dressed. They decided the best option was to just go about business as usual and pretend like the incident didn't occur so that James (and Spock…and Leonard for that matter) would be spared further embarrassment.

Spock would take extra care to shower, shave, dress and undress only in the bathroom with the door shut from now on and when possible Leonard would be the one to help James with his nightly bubble bath routine. They talked about James moving in with Leonard again but Spock was very insistent that he did not want that.

"Please… do not take him away from me…" he nearly pleaded when Leonard sounded insistent.

"Spock that's not… I wouldn't do that. Jocelyn did that to me with my daughter. I know what it's like having your heart ripped out like that. That wasn't my intention. I just meant that it might be better for the time being. Just temporarily, until this thing with him passes or, I dunno. The whole thing has me so confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I can't imagine what you are going through."

"It is… difficult, and conflicting and extremely awkward to say the least."

"Then let me take him for a few days, give you some breathing room and time to think and sort things out. It's not like you wouldn't see him at all, I'd just have him for night time and more importantly bath time at night and getting showered and dressed in the morning. You could, switch shifts with Lathem and take the Gamma shift for a couple of nights so that he doesn't take it personally."

"He is not used to your quarters, and you share a bathroom with Mr. Scott, would not that be an inconvenience to Montgomery? James will not feel at home, he is very centered on this being his home."

"I know that, I was thinkin' that if you switched shifts with Lathem then I could just stay here with him, and you could sleep in his room if you have to. The bed is still in there and he only goes over there once in a while now. I'd have whoever is watching him during the day keep him out of your joint quarters so you can sleep or meditate or whatever."

"I do not know Leonard…"

"Okay, how about you take the rest of the day and think about it. See how things go with him and if it's still uncomfortable, we can go with my plan. It's just for a couple of days Spock, not forever, and I won't be taking him away from you."

"I….let me see how today goes. I promise you I will think about what you have said Leonard, thank you."

"Yeah sure, here he comes, I'm gonna rewarm his breakfast."

The bathroom door had opened and James came limping out, fully dressed. He'd obviously retrieved his own clothes from his own room and dressed himself. He'd also shaved. He limped over to the table, declining the offer for help and sat down, but only fleetingly looked at Spock.

Spock and Leonard did their best to keep the meal lighthearted, talking about daily things as they normally would. By the end of breakfast James was smiling brightly and laughing like normal and the awkwardness was all but gone. It made Spock feel hopeful that maybe the incident had been somewhat of a fluke and would not happen again with careful avoidance of interactions that might prove to be a trigger.

Leonard was on Alpha shift in sickbay so he took the breakfast trays with him making Spock promise to call him if things got awkward before he left. Spock wasn't sure if James had heard that comment or not but it didn't seem to matter because James was happily playing a game on Spock's terminal and was acting as if everything was as it should be, so Spock decided to stick to the original plan and do the same.

Leonard had been right about the pain meds making James a little lethargic. He wasn't his usual bubbling bouncy self but he was happy and content to color, watch vids, play with blocks, or puzzles, or have Spock read to him. Spock was glad of this, it gave him a chance to spend some very special one on one time with James which he usually didn't get to do during the day. James was usually so rambunctious and energetic that Spock had a hard time playing with him during the day. Night time was different, that's when James would settle down and let Spock read to him or would be able to sit still enough to play chess. The whole day ended up being like their evenings after dinner usually were, and Spock was delighted.

All of the tension and awkwardness they'd experienced earlier was gone and forgotten and by the time Leonard came by in the evening to check on James and give him another dose of meds. He'd been there for lunch and things had been going well so he wasn't too surprised by what he saw when he walked through the door. Spock was sitting quietly on the couch, data PADD in one hand, obviously going over reports. James was asleep, covered by his blankie, clutching Little Spock in one arm, his other curled up ending with his thumb in his mouth. He was the picture of innocence, his head cradled on Spock's lap, the fingers from Spock's free hand absent mindedly carding themselves through James' hair as he slept.

"You sure that's a good idea given the circumstances of this morning?" Leonard asked pointedly, receiving a very confused eyebrow raise from the Vulcan in response. Leonard motioned to the former Captain's head in Spock's lap and waved his fingers at Spock to bring his attention to what he was doing to James' hair. Spock looked down and seemed to be surprised to find himself running his fingers through James hair, but he merely shrugged at the doctor and went back to reading his reports, draping his free hand over James' shoulder.

"You're impossible."

"I am here in front of you and therefore exist, making me completely 'possible' in every way, and your statement highly illogical."

"You do that on purpose don't you?"

"I have no idea to what you are referring."

"Yeah, and I've got some ocean front property in Arizona I can sell you for a buck ninety and acre."

"Is that a reasonable price for fictitious property?"

"I dunno I haven't checked the Imaginationland Market values yet today."

"You guys are funny." James giggled, his bleary blue eyes open and blinking a little as yawned up at them.

"Did we wake you James?"

"Sorry Sport."

"'s'Okay…unghmmm," he said yawning again and sitting up. "Gotsta get up anyhow, it's almost dinner time an I'm hungry, and my let hurts again Bones," he admitted with a frown.

"I figured Sport," Leonard said, sitting beside him and administering the hypo he had ready.

"Owie."

"Sorry buddy, and I hate to be a pain but I need to run the dermal regenerator over those bruises again. Why don't you come in the bathroom with me so I can okay?"

"Why we gotta go in there…" James started to protest but then looked up at Spock as if he was remembering something. "Oh yeah, um… the bathroom is good, okay," he said and limped over to the bathroom, Leonard following close behind.

Leonard was pleased to see that the bruises were healing quite nicely. He was sure that James would be able to walk down to the commissary at the least by the next morning, but they settled for eating dinner together in Spock and James' quarters as they had the previous two meals that day. Dinner was pleasant, James told Leonard about all the games he and Spock had played together that afternoon and that he'd beaten Spock at chess two out of three games.

"That's pretty impressive," Leonard agreed as he looked over at Spock gazing at Jim with utter adoration written all over what should have been a stoic Vulcan face. "Guess things went really well today huh?" He asked.

"Yes, I believe they did."

"You think about what I said?"

"Yes, I do not think it is necessary at this time. Let us take it 'one day at a time' as the saying goes."

"Okay, if that's what you want, and if you're sure."

"I am."

After dinner Spock excused himself briefly to go check on several things that required his attention or Captain's approval. When he returned Leonard was curled up on the couch with James, reading '_Harry Potter and the Chamber Serets'_. They had already read '_The Sorcerer's Stone', _the previous week.

Spock allowed a small smile to ghost across his lips at the comforting sight before he verbally admonished the doctor for reading a potentially scary story to James before bedtime.

"We discussed it first, we aren't to the scary parts yet, we just started it, so we don't think it will cause any nightmares, and I couldn't get him to agree to anything else." James nodded his head in agreement as he looked up at Spock with clear blue, but very sleepy eyes.

"Alright, but when you finish that chapter James, I want you to get ready for bed."

"Okay Papa."

True to his word, when they were done James grabbed the book from Bones, marked their place and put it back on the shelf next to the couch. Then he walked quietly over to Spock's desk, where the Vulcan was sitting reading and answering e-mails. He placed a hand on the back of Spock's chair and stared at the Vulcan for a moment with a strange look on his face before he quickly pecked him on the cheek.

"Love you Papa," he said quietly before turning to Leonard. "Bones would **you** run my bath for me while I go get my jammas?" he said loudly, emphasizing that he wanted Leonard to be the one to assist him.

Spock nearly felt disappointed or hurt but he realized that James quiet words to him along with the quick peck were to assure him that he meant no disrespect or offense. In his own way James understood the situation and was doing what he could to rectify it himself.

Leonard stayed so that he could help James into his pajamas and tuck him in. The two men had formed a nightly routine where tucking James in was concerned. Leonard held the covers open while James climbed in with Little Spock and got comfortable, then he covered him up and tucked the comforter around him. Then Spock spread James' blankie out over the tip of him, picture side up and straightened out so that James could look down and see all the pictures. Then both leaned in for a hugkiss goodnight.

"G'night Papa, g'night my Bones," James yawned. "Love you."

"We love you too Sport, goodnight."

When they got back out to the Living room Leonard once again cornered Spock asking if he was absolutely sure Spock didn't want him to stay.

"I am sure. If there is a difficulty I cannot handle, I will call you, I promise you that, but I do not want to be separated from him if it is not necessary and it does not seem to be at this point."

"No I guess it ain't… isn't… sorry. Okay, I'll leave you to it then. G'night"

"Good night Leonard, sleep well."

Spock finished up his work and meditated for a while before retiring for the evening. James seemed to be sound asleep when Spock paused by his bed to ghost his fingers over James' cheek before climbing into his own bed. However, he must not have been asleep because Spock had been in bed for less than ten minutes when James climbed into bed with him, bear and blanket in hand.

"James, have you had a nightmare?"

"Not exactly."

"Then you know the rule, and it is especially-"

"Inappropriate, I know," James said cutting him off heaving a huge sigh and tightening his grip around the Vulcan's waist as he snuggled his head further into Spock's shoulder. "Papa I don't want you to go away."

"I am not going anywhere."

"I mean I don't want… my Bones is a good Daddy and I love him very much, but I don't want him ta stay here wif me and you go away and lie about havin' to work. I wanna be wif you Papa. I wanna be wif you for always."

"James how did you-"

"I was listnin'. I know I'm not asposed to but after I…. well I got dressed fast and when I comed back into the bathroom I heard my Bones telling you I should come live with him and I got scared. I though he was gonna take me away from you and I don't want that so I listened. I know he's just trying to help but I… I just want you to stay Papa. I'm sorry I was bad and did a bad thing, I… I'm sorry I had… bad … inappropriate thoughts… I didn't mean to Papa, it's not my fault, it's cuz of Jim, cuz he… cuz he… I'm not asposed to say but I dint mean it Papa. Please don't leave me," he pleaded, sounding as if he were on the verge of crying.

Spock turned the lighting up a bit and sat up on the bed and pulled James up to a sitting position as well. He made him look into his eyes before he spoke.

"James I need for you to understand that you did not do anything wrong. You were not bad and did not do a bad thing. It was not something that you can help. It was a perfectly natural thing. Do you understand?"

"But my Bones said it was bad."

"No that is not what he meant. He did not mean that you were bad, or that what happened was a result of you doing something bad or wrong. He was simply verbalizing the fact that it would further complicate our situation and possibly make things awkward between you and I. He was assuming that it was Jim's feelings, memories, and attraction towards me that caused you to get an erection, and was anticipating that it could happen again because of the duality between the two of you. Do you understand? He was simply vocalizing his frustration and the fact that he did not, as of yet, know how to handle the situation, or prevent it from happening again."

"Oh, so he wasn't mad at me?"

"No. Oh no, James. Of course he was not mad at you, and before you ask, I am not mad at you either. As I said, you did nothing wrong. How could I be mad at you when I love you and you have done nothing wrong?"

"I dunno."

"The answer is, I cannot little one."

"I'm not little Papa. Jims big so I'm big too." Spock just smiled at this remark and hugged the man child to him briefly.

"James, may I ask you some questions of a personal nature, and will you try to be as honest as you can with me?"

"Yes Papa, if I can."

"Since we have discussed that you remember how Jim used to 'take care' of the problem he had with his morning erections and given this morning's incident, you obviously remember what masturbation is, do you not?"

"Yes Papa…" James admitted blushing furiously and looking at Little Spock instead of big Spock.

"Do you possess any of Jim's other memories pertaining to sexual activities? Do you know what I am referring to when I say sexual activities?"

"You mean doing it and yeah I know what it is, it's intra, inter… intercourse, and yeah I member… yuck," he proclaimed making a disgusted face.

"I see. So you are privy to Jim's sexual exploits."

"Don't make him sound like a whore Papa, he don't like it," James said after a moment or two of silence, eye rolling and an exasperated sigh.

"I am sorry, it is just that I am aware that Jim was very experienced in that area and I am trying to determine how much of that history you are aware of."

"Most of it I think, I dunno, stuff is fuzzy but it's there. Don't know how to splain it better than that. But see it's like this, it's there, but I don't have to know it all the time. Mostly I can ignore it if I want and just be me, but sometimes stuff happens and I can't ignore it no more. Or if I need to know somethin' so I can fix puters or whatever, I can just know whatever I need to know. It's um… what you said affor, complicated? Is that the right word?"

"Oh I think that is a very appropriate word for it yes. I wish I could understand what is going on and why this has happened, or how to help you fix it."

"Do you want it fixed Papa?"

"Of course, is that not the purpose of the, 'stuff you have to think about'?"

"I guess, I just … if we figure it out, I would miss bein' me. I would miss bein' this close to you and bein' your son Spock. You aren't afraid to love me this way, we aren't afraid to love each other this way, it's easier. Do you want me to go away and just be Jim Spock…Papa?"

"I … no…I… I do not know… I. I have never wanted to use colorful metaphors as much as I do at this moment. I am confused and frustrated. I would miss you James. So much…"

"But you miss Jim, right now. You miss Jim now just as much as you would miss me if I wuz gone and it hurts your heart?"

"Yes." Spock said simply, for he didn't know what else to say.

"Can we be done talking about this?" Jams asked with a sigh hugging Spock lightly.

"That would probably be best for now. I just want you to realize that because of your unique duality and your shared memories of Jim's experiences, what happened this morning is not your fault. It was a natural reaction to Jim's attraction to me. At least Leonard is sure that he had an attraction for me, I was not aware of it. I am not trying to be presumptuous."

"You're not zumptious Papa," James smiled and giggled. "Jim thinks… No!…. Jim thinks… I'm not sayin' the big secret… Jim thinks your sexy Papa!" James confessed bursting into a fit of giggles and falling back down on the bed.

"I take it he is not happy with you for sharing that information with me."

"Not much no. He'll get over it," he giggled some more.

"I thought you could not directly communicate with him."

"Well mostly I can't, but he's me, an I'm him, so I know how he thinks and he knows how I think and sometimes he just splits off and yells like he's a whole nother person or somethin' it's weird. Cuz then it's like I got voices in my head or somethin'."

"Very complicated indeed."

"Yep."

"Has he ever talked to me directly? Could he if he wanted to, if you are both one and the same?"

"Yes… NO… yes?... No… maybe… , but he can't."

"I do not understand."

James looked around and then lowered his voice to a whisper. "If anybody found out he was talkin' to you and it was him they'd try ta make him be Captain again and he ain't gonna do that, and neither am I. You are Captain now and you're a good Captain so um.. don't get mad… but… Starfleet can suck it," he finished matter of factly.

"I assume that was a quote?"

"Yup."

"Eventually you, or he, will need to explain in much more detail what exactly you are talking about and why you feel that you can no longer be the Captain. I need to understand."

"I know, but I ain't ready to talk about it yet. I still got stuff to think about, and so does he." James said sighing and becoming sad once again, hugging his bear close to him and looking up at Spock very forlornly. Spock laid back down held James briefly.

"I am not sure I am ready to talk about it either. Perhaps for tonight we should just go to sleep. Would you like me to tuck you in again?"

"I.. uh…I can't sleep over there."

"Yes you can."

"No I can't I'm um.. afraid of the Basilisk?"

"You are not."

"Then I'm afraid of… the soldiers…"

"You are not."

James sighed heavily before continuing. "Okay, I'm afraid you'll change your mind."

"Concerning what?"

"Leaving me. I said too much. It's too complicated. I'm afraid that while I'm sleepin' you'll change your mind and decide it's not a good idea to be with me all the time and you'll leave me. I'm afraid I'll wake up and I'll be all alone and then I'll have ta go live with Bones and you won't love me no more."

"James, I have told you that will not happen. I will never leave you willingly. Not in that way. I love you very very much and that will never change."

"Would you still love me if I wasn't me anymore?"

Spock contemplated what he was really being asked and knew that he must tell James, and Jim, the truth. He sighed and looked James directly in the eye before he continued.

"Yes James I would love you in any shape, in any form, in any way, in any universe, no matter what. I will always love you in whatever way I can and in whatever way I am allowed."

"You promise?"

"I do James. I promise."

"Even if it's not the easy way no more?"

"Yes James, even if it's not the easy way, even if it is the most difficult way, I will always love you. I promise you that I will do whatever I can to ensure that we are not separated unless it is absolutely necessary. Do you understand what I mean?"

"Yeah, sometimes if things get awkward or complicated it might be necessary right?"

"Yes, then I will need to have Leonard come stay with you."

"But you'll still love me and you'll come back to me always right? You promise you'll always come back?"

"Yes James, I promise that if we must be separated it will be temporary and I will always come back to you, and I will always love you no matter what. Never doubt that."

"Good. I won't Papa. I love you. Night." James said and he snuggled into Spock's shoulder.

"Tomorrow you will sleep in your own bed, and from then on unless you have a nightmare you will sleep in your own bed."

"Yeah… k…nghtluvu"

"Goodnight James." Spock said sighing and placing a small quick kiss on the top of his head.


	12. Of Pensive Ponderings and Possibilities

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings:** Jim swears and is mean in Spock's dream. Really mean. And he's a homophobic prick – but it's just a dream.

**A/N:** Just about got the next chap done – so you'll probably get a twofer and then I'll work on 14 this weekend.

Thanks to "Cat" for your wonderful review - it was anonymous so I couldn't respond in person.

Thanks to everyone else as well – I'm really glad you guys are liking this – it's such an odd concept that I get nervous it's too 'far out there'. You guys and your encouragement are great though.

Love you all.

T.

* * *

In the days and weeks that followed there were very few awkward moments. James let Leonard tend to his nightly bath routine as much as possible, and when Leonard was not available, he always got out of the tub and got his pajamas on by himself, like he did whenever someone else was babysitting him.

Nearly a month had gone by with no evidence that Jim was even still in James' head. Finally he had another nightmare, but it seemed to be a typical childhood anxiety dream. It had nothing to do with Tarsus or Frank or any of Jim's memories.

Spock had just fallen asleep when James had woken up sobbing and crying out for Spock. He soon settled down when Spock cradled James in his arms and sang to him. Spock was able to get James to recount his dream. James had been alone in their quarters and couldn't find Spock. He had gone out into the corridor and started searching but everywhere he went no one had seen Spock. Near the end of the dream no one even knew who Spock was, and it was if Spock had completely disappeared and James was all alone. Even Bones had acted as if he'd wanted nothing to do with James.

Spock had discerned that the dream being about Spock disappearing, probably had something to do with Spock filling in on Beta shift and not being home to tuck James in at night. Spock reassured James that he would be back on his regular Alpha shift the next day and then relented and let James sleep with him that night. He was later glad that he had when he was startled awake by disturbing dreams of his own. James presence was comforting and calming.

"Papa, are you okay?"

"I am fine James, go back to sleep," he whispered.

"You sure, you were makin' funny noises and then you hollered my name affor you jumpded awake. Did you have a bad dream too?"

"I did yes."

"I thunked you didn't have no dreams."

"Do not use double negatives. I do dream, however, it is rare and rarer still for me to experience a bad dream or a nightmare. In the past, I have only had them when I have been ill with fever."

"Why come you think you had one now?"

"I am unsure, but the content of the dream suggests that your dream left a subliminal suggestion in my subconscious."

"You dreamded the same as me?"

"Yes much the same. I came back to our quarters and found them empty and all my attempts to locate you were thwarted. I became panicked. No one would tell me where you were, and I felt empty and lost."

"I was all that plus ascared too."

"Perhaps I was as well."

"Well I'm here Papa, and I'm not goin' nowhere neither. I'll stay wif you for always if I can. I promise. You're my bestest ever Papa and I wuv you lots and lots and tons."

"Do you love me as far as Earth?" Spock teased, playing a game with him that Bones usually played with him. James giggled and immediately picked up on it.

"I love you all the way to Earth and back again Papa."

"Well I love you all the way to the Nidirian Galaxy and back and that is much much farther."

"Then I love you all the way to the Beta quadrant and back Papa, and that's more farer than nideee whatever."

"Then I love you all the the way to the Gamma Quadrant and back."

"Delta!"

"Infinity!" Spock declared, causing James to burst into a fit of quiet giggles as he hugged Spock close to him.

"Infinity too Papa… thank you for playing the Infinity game wif me," he yawned. "My Bones said you was too much of a stuffed shirt to play that wif me. He was wrong."

"He underestimated the fact that your love for me causes me to behave in very un-Vulcan like manners. Now, we must go back to sleep or we will both be very cranky tomorrow."

"Wuv you Papa, night."

"Good night James," Spock told him, kissing him on the top of the head. They settled back in and soon James was asleep but Spock laid awake, reflecting on the dream. It had been quite disturbing, and he hadn't been completely forthcoming to James. In part of the dream, it had been Jim he was searching for but he could find neither James, nor Jim.

By the end of the dream it was only Jim that he was chasing. He wandered the corridors just as James had described in his dream, but no one seemed to know where James was. Sometimes he would ask some random crew member, only to find out he had just missed Jim. He would run in the direction that the crew member indicated Jim had gone, but could not seem to catch up to him. After what seemed like hours of chasing Jim, he heard Jim's voice in the corridor ahead, and saw his shadow on the wall, so he ran faster. However the faster Spock ran, the faster Jim ran and as he was chasing Jim's shadows through the corridors, he could hear Jim's echoing laughter up a head of him.

He chased Jim through Engineering, calling out his name, only to hear Jim's laughter as a reply. Around every conduit and tube he could see Jim's fleeting form. He chased it but never caught it, and sometimes Jim's voice, his laughter, sounded more menacing than enticing. Spock was pondering all of this and what it meant when he fell back into a fitful sleep.

His thoughts were so unsettling that the dream he'd been having continued only this time as he chased he grew closer and closer to Jim. Finally found himself running through the doors onto the observation deck and there was Jim, standing on one of the platforms of the playground equipment. Spock stopped short thinking that he had found James instead, but it soon became clear that it was Jim and not James.

However, it was not the Jim he wanted to find. This Jim was indeed menacing and hurtful. Spock asked him what he'd done with James and he spat his reply at Spock, telling him that he'd never see James again and that everything had been a lie.

"You are a fool if you thought that I would ever love you Spock. You're a dirty half-breed and the thought of being with you makes me sick!" This cruel James shouted.

"No! No! You are not my Jim. My Jim would never say such cruel things. My Jim loves me. Who are you and what have you done with him. Where are my Jim and my James?"

"There never was a James and I am the only Jim there is. It was all a lie Spock. It was all a game for my petty amusement. I will never be "your Jim" because your Jim doesn't exist. You are an anomaly Spock. You don't belong here on the Enterprise, and you don't belong on the New Vulcan Colony. No one wants you Spock. You're disgusting, you're not only a half breed, but you're a stupid delusional pedophile. I know what you wanted to do to me when you thought I was James you fucking homo, you fucking green blooded Queer!"

"Noooo! Noooo! You are not Jim! You are not! You cannot be. I loved you, I loved you… I thought you loved me too." Spock yelled at the vile and sneering Jim creature standing before him. The sharp angry hurtful words had cut him like a knife, crushing his spirits. He fell to the ground in a disheveled heap, sobbing like a human, the Jim creatures words still stinging and his laughter ringing in Spock's ears.

Throughout the ordeal he had unknowingly cried out in his sleep, tossing and turning and calling Jim's name. He'd asked why Jim was being so cruel, and why Jim didn't love him. Somewhere far away he heard a soft voice speaking his name and he felt himself being wrapped in a warm loving embrace. He heard Jim's voice comforting him, telling him that everything was all right. But the dream had continued and the cruel Jim creature had kept taunting him. When he'd finally collapsed in his dream, the Jim creature and his laughter had faded and he heard a much more comforting voice.

"It's all right love, I'm here. It's me, it's Jim and I do love you Spock, I do. Shhhh shhhh it's okay. It's okay baby. I'm here, I'm right here hon. It's okay."

Spock knew it was just part of the dream, but it felt and sounded so good that he let himself relax into the warmth of the words and the embrace. He felt butterfly kisses ghost over his hair and his eyelids, his nose and his cheek. They felt wonderful and so much like he'd imagined having Jim kiss him like that would be. He relaxed even more, and drifted off into a deeper and dreamless sleep.

He was of course confused when he awoke the next morning, not holding James as he remembered, but being held by James, who hugged him close briefly and kissed the top of his head before yawning and murmering something that sounded like 'morning beautif....unghgrffshit'.

Spock rose up and looked at … James? … with his most quizzical look and opened his mouth to say something to the man who was staring wide eyed at him with a an expression that could only be likened to someone being caught with their hands in the proverbial cookie jar, but before he could speak, James did.

"Erm... uh… hi… there… SpAPA… um…I uh… gotta … Go…" he said sliding sideways off the bed in a very suspicious manner and backing towards the bathroom, not taking his eyes off of Spock. "You know, go to the um… the bathroom… yeah… bathroom… which is… um… over there. So I'll just do that, and you um… you know, can just, stay right here… in the bed… oh crap… bye."

Spock sat stunned. He knew he could not be reading the situation right. The comforting voice last night, it had been part of his dream. Had it not? Just as the cruel one had. James must be acting so strangely because of another erection. That was the only logical explanation, despite the fact that his voice had sounded like Jim's, devoid of childlike inflection and mannerisms, or speech deficiencies.

He'd seen the longing in James' eyes, which had not been the same look of horror and confusion combined with curiosity that he'd seen in James' eyes the last time he'd inadvertently gotten an erection due to an innate attraction to Spock, but that had to hold another logical explanation, did it not? And of course the slew of expletives now pouring forth from the bathroom door must be James as well, even though James didn't like swears.

Which is why he calmly walked over to the bathroom door, fully intending on asking **JAMES **what was wrong, knocked quietly and tentatively said, "Jim"?

He received only silence as a reply, and then heard the shower turn on. He tried again, louder this time, but again heard nothing. He paced, trying to decide whether or not to use the override codes to unlock the bathroom door. He eventually decided against it and realized that he could no longer hear the water running. He entered the bathroom and found it unoccupied and the door to Jim's room shut and locked. He was about to knock on it when he saw the mirror, fogged over, but bearing a message.

"Please, just give me some time alone," was written in the misty film.. Spock sighed and complied.

He showered, shaved and dressed himself and then could no longer deal with the anxiety. He used his codes to enter Jim's quarters without even knocking, unsure what he'd find there. What he did find was James, sitting on the floor, playing with his cars, dressed in his favorite shirt and jeans. It was one of Jim's favorite shirt too, which made the situation all the more confusing.

James loved the shirt because it was comfortable and soft and had Scooby Doo, The Gang, and the Mystery Machine on it. Jim loved it because it said, "What Happens in the Van, Stays in the Van" and reeked of innuendo. The shirt was as much a duality as Jim and James were, but this was definitely James, crashing his cars together and making engine noises, tire screeching noises and overdramatic crash noises.

"Hi Papa! I'm hungry. Can we go get some breakfast now?"

"I… yes James… James?"

"Uh huh?"

"Is everything quite alright this morning?"

"Yeah Papa, like my shirt?"

"Of course. Did you, pick it out all by yourself?" He asked leadingly.

"Sorta, can we go now?"

"James, was Jim here earlier?"

"Like my car Papa, it's a Nova."

"Yes James it is nice, can you answer my question?"

"Nope. Let's go Papa," James said enthusiastically dragging Spock out into the hallway forcefully.

"Nope you cannot answer, or Nope he was not here?"

"Exactly. Hi Pavel, hi Hikaru, you wanna have breakfast wif me an Papa?"

"Hey kiddo, sure we do." Hikaru answered.

The three of them struck up a lively conversation on the way to the commissary leaving Spock a bit behind and more than a bit frustrated. He contemplated sharing his experience with Leonard, knowing that Leonard needed to know as James' doctor, if Jim had indeed made an appearance, but he was not 100% sure, and he felt selfishly like keeping the information to himself, so he did.

That had been the first time in weeks that Spock had any inkling that Jim was still in there somewhere, his curiosity was once again piqued, but he was sure that James would not talk to him about it, so he forced himself to let it go. He had no way of knowing then, that he would encounter Jim much sooner than he anticipated.


	13. In Which There Are Lots of Swears

**Disclaimer:** Just borrowing.

**Warnings:** Slashy bits and lots of bad language!

**A/N:** I apologize in advance for the bit of a cliffhanger but I couldn't fit it all in one chapter and keep the length of the chapters consistent. I'll try to get the next one up this weekend though, so I won't leave you hanging long.

* * *

Two days after Spock had experienced his disturbing dream, he was on the bridge during Alpha shift, perusing some reports on his data PADD which Yeoman Janice Rand had just handed him. The turbo lift doors opened and in padded James, Little Spock clutched tightly to one cheek, his blanket draped over his shoulder and his thumb firmly latched in his mouth. He looked more than sad, more than dejected, but said not a word. He strode over to Spock solemnly, climbed into his lap without hesitation and melted into the Vulcan as if he'd had a nightmare.

"James, you know that you are not allowed on the bridge when I am on duty." Spock admonished softly, but received no reply at all.

"James, what is wrong? You are supposed to be on the playground or in the daycare with the other children."

They had picked up a distress signal during the night from a Kaldorian freighter that was adrift and were providing transport and assistance to a the Kaldorians who had been stranded due to a failing warp core. The passengers included a myriad of children and James had been very excited at the prospect of finally having other kids to play with. However this was not the excited James that Spock had dropped off in the daycare a few hours before. This James was sullen and lethargic and Spock's prodding did nothing to elicit a response from him. He simply sat stoically and silently on Spock's lap refusing to budge and inch.

"Captain, I contacted the daycare. They said there was some kind of disagreement between James and group of children he was playing with but they thought it was minor. They didn't even notice that James had left" Nyota informed him.

"Didn't notice he left? He's the biggest one in there and the only one who's human, how did they not notice?" Hikaru spat his question in an aggravated tone. He along with everyone else was very protective of James. He left his station at the Helm and crossed over to the Captain's chair and tried to talk to James but James wouldn't even look at him. He just clung to Spock, ignoring his friend. He wouldn't even laugh at Hikaru and Pavel's jokes. Not even the ones that usually had him rolling on the floor.

"Keptin, perhaps you should take him to sickbay and see if somesing else is wrong." Pavel finally suggested in a very worried tone, after he and Hikaru had exhausted all of their efforts to engage James in conversation.

"I believe I will." Spock agreed, prying James loose from his shirt and urging him to get down off his lap and follow him to the turbolift. James complied but still said nothing, his eyes downcast, never removing his thumb from his mouth.

Once in sickbay Leonard did thorough scans but announced that there was nothing physically wrong with James. Still he would not speak. He would only cling to both of them. They were discussing what to do when Christine came into sickbay, after having taken a walk down to the daycare to see if she could find out what had happened.

"He got into a disagreement with the group of kids he was playing with, that's all they know. One of the kids said he got mad at them and said a bad word and left. We asked the kids what the disagreement was about but they all claimed they didn't know or just shrugged."

"He said a bad word? James doesn't like swears. What was the word?" Leonard asked sounding confused and concerned.

"Apparently he told them to 'get bent and go to Hell' and then stomped out of the room. I don't know if they thought bent or Hell was the bad word, but either way, that sounds like something Jim would say, not James."

"I agree. Leonard, I am remiss in keeping something that may be pertinent from you." Spock admitted and explained that it was possible that Jim himself had surfaced the morning after Spock's disturbing dream. Leonard wasn't happy that Spock had kept the information from him, but understood that the Vulcan couldn't be certain that it had really been Jim.

"I'm not sure it's Jim now, but if Jim is surfacing, that might explain his odd behavior and why he doesn't want to talk to us. I just don't know what to do about it."

"It may be because there are others present Leonard. Nearly a month ago I had a conversation with James, in which he admitted to me that, though he and Jim are one and the same, there are times when it is as if they are separate entities, and I gleaned from that conversation that it is indeed possible for Jim's personality to become forefront and be the one speaking or 'in charge' as it were, but that Jim is apprehensive to do so."

"Why's that and why didn't you tell me?"

"James asked me not to," Spock admitted. "It seems that Jim is afraid that if anyone found out that he can communicate to us himself that further measures will be taken to bring him forward and force him to regain his Captaincy. He is adamant that this is something he does not want, and would not further explain. The conversation was becoming strained and exasperating and in the interest of concluding it amicably, I agreed to keep the information to myself. Had there been any reason to share it with you I would have, but at the time, sharing the information with you was illogical. The only purpose that it would have served would have been to further confuse you and upset James."

They debated back and forth for a few more minutes and agreed that the only alternative they had was to get James alone. They hoped that if he felt more comfortable and safe, he would talk to them and explain what was going on.

"Well look, me and Spock are gonna take him home and try to get him to talk to us there, call M'Benga or Pharris and have one of them cover for me."

They got James home but he still wouldn't talk. He just wanted to curl up on the couch between the two of them and wouldn't let either one of them get out of reach. The most they were able to do was get him to nod yes or no to questions like whether or not he was hungry or wanted to watch a video. Both fathers were quite frustrated throughout the afternoon having gotten nowhere with James. They had no idea what to do or what to try next.

"I give up," Leonard finally said, throwing his hands up in the air. "We've been at it since just after 11 o'clock this morning and M'Benga has covered most of my shift. Now he's supposed to be on Beta shift and it's not right for me to make him pull a double when we aren't getting anywhere. I suppose I can call Honeycutt, it's his day off and I can work his shift this weekend or something but honest to God I feel pretty damned useless right now."

"As do I," Spock agreed. "I have been neglecting my duties as Captain for seemingly no reason as well. James is still just as sullen and lethargic as he was this morning. Perhaps we should put him to bed early. You could return to sickbay and finish out the evening shift, and I could get some work done here."

Leonard agreed that this was the best choice and they finally got James to agree and eat an early dinner. Afterward he went ahead and took his bath and changed into his pajamas and let Leonard read to him as if it were bedtime. They were up to '_Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' _by that point. They had just finished a chapter when sickbay called. He'd let them know he was coming back down and they'd just received word that a couple of crewmen in Engineering had received minor injuries while repairing a plasma injector.

"Tell M'Benga I'm on my way," Leonard said into the comm. "Sorry kiddo, I gotta go. Do you want your Papa to finish reading to you?"

"Nope, just wanna go to bed Bones," he said looking forlornly up at Spock who was at his computer finishing up some reports. Spock immediately turned at the sound of James' voice and walked across the room to sit beside him.

"Well at least you are talking again. I can stay if you need me to, they can handle it without me."

"I'm fine Bones, just go. Papa can tuck me in."

"Alright, goodnight," Leonard said reluctantly shooting a concerned look at Spock. "You'll let me know if…"

"Of course Leonard," Spock agreed before the other man could finish his sentence. He sat silently with James for a few minutes hugging the man to him and asked him if he was sure he was ready for bed already.

"Not really, I just didn't want my Bones to fink he had to stay. Not when he's got hurted people comin' that need him."

"Are you ready to talk?"

"There ain't nothin' to talk about."

"I disagree. Something upset you greatly. I would really like to know what it was." Spock urged. James looked up at him and heaved a huge sigh before letting the flood gates loose and pouring forth his explanation.

"They said I was too big. They said I was weird and called me names and said I must be stupid or tarded or sompink and they didn't want to play wif me. They threw stuff at me on the playground and wouldn't let me swing cuz they said I'd break it and when I tolded them that it was my playground and I played on it all the time an I helpeded Scotty build it they said only grownups build stuff and called me a freak. When we gotted back to the daycare they wouldn't let me play blocks cuz they said if I builded playground quipment and fixeded computers I couldn't play wif blocks cuz you dint use tools to play wif blocks. They called me a freak again and they kept makin' fun of me and… and…I hate them! So I left. I din't wanted to play wif them anyway…"

"I am sorry James. I know how excited you were to finally have other children to play with," Spock sighed, realizing how difficult the teasing must have been for James.

"But that's just it," he said rising off the couch suddenly and starting to pace back and forth in the living room. "I was so cited to have other kids ta play wif, but **I'm** not a child Spock. I'm **not** a child, not really, and they were never going to accept me, not like this. So I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not a kid, but I am. I'm not the Captain, but they'll expect me to be if I come back, I'm not really your son and because I'm pretending that I am, or whatever I'm doing, I can't be your….

Dammit Spock I'm so fucking sick and tired of this whole fucking situation!" he yelled throwing his arms in the air and continuing to pace without even looking at Spock. As he paced his speed and coordination changed, as did his mannerisms and his voice.

"At first I hated that James got to spend all the time with you and be close to you when I wanted to be with you just as badly as he did. Then I started to get used to it and the last few weeks I thought I was finally getting the hang of the whole kid thing. I was settling into it. I was happy for the first time in who knows how long. I figured if I could just let go I could** just** be James all the time and find a way to be happy just being your son and I was doing just that. I found a nice little corner way in the back of my subconscious to hide in and I was fading away and becoming just James, but then you had that damn dream and I fucked up and took over because I couldn't leave well enough alone, and then all this shit happened today.

I'm no good at being me and I'm no good at being James! I don't belong anywhere so where does that leave me? Huh? It puts me right back to square one that's where. Right back to where I was when those god damned interfering, stick their noses in where they don't belong , mother fucking assholes decided to hold a god damned intervention and explain to me how god damned important I am to Starfleet and the future, or their history or whatever. Apparently it's my fucking **DESTINY** to be Captain of the Enterprise and it's tantamount to the future of the Federation and of Starfleet for me to stay here. Why does everyone keep telling me that?

Fuck Destiny. That's what I say. Fucking temporal god damned police. Why couldn't they just mind their own fucking business? Why the fuck do I need to know about Temporal Cold Wars and Temporal Accords huh? I don't that's what, and I still fail to see how they can fucking "preserve the integrity if the timeline" when Nero's already fucked it over and we're stuck in an alternate reality or whatever anyway.

I bet Admiral Archer is really gonna get kick out of this whole fucking thing. He thought all that was resolved. And what about the fucking Temporal Prime Directive anyway? I say they are violating it.

This** IS** an alternate reality thanks to Nero so who says I can't resign from Starfleet and move home huh? Who says I can't just move to my Uncle's ranch in Idaho like I planned and live out the rest of my life in peace and fucking quiet? I say it's none of their fucking business cuz I'm fucking tired of this shit," he ranted and then stopped cold in the middle of the room crossed his arms over his chest, rolled his eyes and seemed to be listening to something Spock could not hear.

"God dammit – I know that James. I'm sorry, I know you don't like swears, I'm just frustrated….. No I know Spock has no idea what I'm talking about just, butt out for a while will ya?.... No!....I know you did but I won't be Captain again and you damned well know why, just… leave me alone."

Spock watched all of this in shocked silence and confusion. When the ranting and raving had started it had definitely been James, sullen and saddened, but the more angry he'd become, the more Jim had come through until it was obvious that James was no longer present at all. That had all been confusing enough without all of Jim's ranting about Temporal police and Temporal Cold Wars and Temporal prime directives. The culmination of the entire rant ending in Jim and James having some bizarre internal debate over something Spock could not possibly hope to grasp was enough to leave him completely wide eyed and speechless, staring blankly at Jim.

"You got nothin' huh?"

"I… no…. Jim?"

"Yeah. I guess I've got some explaining to do huh?"

"That is an understatement."

"Fine, call Bones but don't say too much, and don't let him bring anyone else with him. I don't want anyone else knowing I'm here, but I don't want to have to explain any of this twice and he'll kick my ass if he has to hear it second hand from you."

"I will call him, where are you going?" Spock asked Jim as he hurried past him towards the bathroom.

"I'm just going to my quarters to change into some jeans or at the very least some pajama bottoms that don't have feet in them and pictures of ducks and bunnies all over them. I have to get something out of my desk to show the two of you anyway. Just call Bones. I'll be right back, I swear."

Spock just stared at Jim apprehensively and with longing as he crossed to the desk where the comm button was. Jim stopped short seeing the look on Spock's face. He turned back around and came across the room and stood on front of Spock. Slowly he raised his hands to gently cupped Spock's face gently brushed his thumb along the Vulcan's jaw. Spock leaned into the touch and felt his breath hitch.

"I will be right back, and it will still be me. I promise," Jim assured the Vulcan as he leaned in closer. He closed the gap slowly, never taking his eyes off of Spock's ,then gently brushed his lips against Spock's before pressing their foreheads together. Spock closed his eyes, savoring the sensation and reached up to take a hold of Jim's wrists, and then felt Jim's fingers intertwining with his own. Jim kissed him gently and chastely one more time before pulling Spock into his arms where Spock let himself melt into Jim's cool embrace.

"Jim…" Spock sighed, nuzzling Jim's neck

"I know hon, but I have to do this first. I have to explain what I can now, before I change my mind. Call Bones. You and I will have time alone to talk, and stuff later. I promise."

Jim let go of him and gave him one more fleeting look before he turned and disappeared through the bathroom door. Spock sighed again, still feeling the tingle of Jim's kiss on his lips. He also felt more overwhelmed than he could remember since the destruction of Vulcan. He called Leonard and somehow managed to convey to him that it was urgent that he return to their quarters without actually alarming him. However, Leonard must have been a little alarmed because he got there before Jim returned and found Spock nervously fidgeting and pacing in the living room.

"What the hell is going on and what's got you so on edge? Did something, you know, sexual, happen with James again?"

"No Bones. Nothing "sexual" happened with James, but thanks for that image. You're a dirty fucking old man you know that you pervert?" Jim said from the bathroom door, now clad in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that said "I beat the Kobyashi Maru" which James had refused to wear.

James might not have liked the t-shirt but it was Jim's favorite and he delighted in wearing it on his days off as he knew it irritated the hell out of Spock. Spock always pointed out that he cheated on the Kobyashi Maru when Jim wore the shirt and sparked a round of 'did not' 'you did' debates. It had been obvious to Leonard that the t-shirt had been Jim's way of flirting with his First Officer. It was also obvious to him right then, who was wearing said t-shirt.

Leonard now wore the same dumbstruck look on his face that Spock had been wearing before Jim went to change. Jim walked across the room, smirked at his friend, clapped him on the shoulder, and handed him the data PADD he'd been holding.

"You know Bones," he said reaching up and putting one finger gently on the bottom of Bones' chin and pushed upward to help the man close his gaping mouth, "if you don't shut that thing, flies will get in there."

"Uh huh. Right… uh… what the hell is this?" Bones asked, indicating the data PADD Kirk had handed him, still awestruck and not quite knowing what to say.

"It's my resignation."


	14. In Which Jim Tries to Explain

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings:** Language and Slashy stuff – mentions of Tarsus.

**A/N:** Okay first – I'm sorry for cliffhangering you guys – I know you are 'readers and not cliffhangers' … dammit… lol. I didn't mean for you to all get so angsty and DIE…. Gahhhh… and all that shit. Lmao.

I would say more but… *spoilers* and all that crap – so you'll just have to trust me and keep reading…

Okay **– BIG** note.

I did a little more research and found a NON CANON wiki reference to Kevin Riley that lists his age at the time of the Tarsus IV Massacre as 7. It states that he was born in 2240, which would have made him 18 at the time of the Nero incident, and around 20 in this story, not 17 as I had previously calculated. I had based his age on a reference that he had been 4 years of age at the time of the Tarsus Massacre.

I believe I placed his age at 17 in M.O.I.I., but at the time I thought that I was taking liberties with the time line in that, in order to make him .. sort of.. old enough to be in the story.. if he was a kid genius like Chekov.

Since this story is NOT Canon(duh) and I'm still taking creative liberties with the characters… I am going ahead from this point forward with the wiki dates and placing Kevin's age at the point of the story as 20…ish(say this in a ZQ Sason voice) and 7 in all future references to Tarsus….

Thank you for listening to my incessant rambling…. Sorry for the confusion and the age change mid story. (Somebody remind me to edit the previous chapters when I'm not so tired so it will be consistent)

Enjoy….

T

* * *

"What do you mean your resignation?"

"I mean my resignation Bones. The one I wrote more than three months ago, the one that I was just about to send to Admiral Pike when a Temporal Agent showed up in my quarters and started talking to me about fate and destiny and the future of The Federation."

"Temporal what the hell now?"

"He has been ranting and raving since just after you left about Temporal Cold wars and Temporal Accords. It has been extremely overwhelming to say the least."

"But he was barely saying anything when I left, and when I left – he was James."

"Be that as it may, that soon changed. It became clear that as his frustrated explanation of the children's teasing and taunting escalated, he was becoming Jim and not James."

"Wait, what? The kids were teasing him?"

"And calling him a freak."

"But why was James talking about Temporal Cold wars?"

"He was not. Jim was."

"But you said it was James, and the kids… "

"It was, then it changed and it was only Jim."

"Oh for cryin' out loud I don't understand a damn word you are saying. Would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on… In plain English, so that I can understand."

"I would if you two assholes would quit talking to each other and shut up long enough to listen." Jim finally interjected.

"I… uh.. dammit Jim."

"Yeah I know Bones. Look, just sit down and I'll tell you what I can." Jim said waiting for them both to sit down and give him their undivided attention. "Okay so it's like this, there's this Temporal Cold war see, but it's in the future and for some damn reason my quitting Starfleet made everything worse and key races didn't join the Federation and then the Klingons and the Romulans united and kicked our asses or something and that wasn't supposed to happen, so the Federation crumbled and then the Xindi…."

"Woah wait up, what? Who the fuck are the Xindi and what the fuck are you talking about Jim. Klingons hate Romulans and the feeling is mutual and the Federation is fine."

"Well apparently it won't be if I move to Idaho and don't stay here with Spock, and you too I guess, but whatever, and I didn't even get to the part where the Borg found out about Earth and the Federation wasn't here to stop them and they assimilated half the fucking galaxy and somehow this is all my fucking fault for being selfish and wanting some peace and quiet.

So they turned me into a kid so I could have a different perspective. Untainted and untarnished by preconceived adult notions, or some damned bullshit. Like my Destiny could be seen clearer or understood better through the eyes of an unassuming child or I could accept it better if I was just seeing it for what it was and not letting all the other stuff sway my decision or something, I dunno. I don't really remember all the garbage they tried to pound into my head at this point."

"Jim, you are not making much sense. Perhaps it would be better if you were to start at the beginning." Spock suggested.

"Yeah, I'm with him for once. None of what you just said made a damn bit of sense to me. What are Borg and what are they assimilating?"

"Borg are Borg Bones. They assimilate us, or will assimilate us, turn us into machines. In the future I mean, not now."

"These Borg are coming to Earth? Don't we need to warn Starfleet? Are they the ones that took you? Where did they hold you? Good god man, they had you for over three weeks, is that what they did to you? Assimilated you or something?"

"God no. Slow down. The Borg aren't coming. Well they are, but not now. Later, like in a hundred years or something, I dunno. Some dude named Picard is gonna stop them, but only if I stay in Starfleet. Jesus. This is harder to explain than I thought, and I wasn't gone for three weeks. It was more like 3 or 4 days."

"I beg to differ Jim. You were missing for 24.36 days by Earth Standard calendar. That is just over three weeks."

"Yeah but I wasn't here. Look if you go back and analyze the logs from my quarters the day I disappeared you'll find that I wasn't beamed off the ship, and the signature you will find will be a temporal anomaly."

"Dammit Jim I'm a Doctor, not a physicist, are you trying to tell us you got sucked into a black hole?"

"I didn't say a singularity, I said a temporal anomaly or a fluctuation really, the signature will be small and you'll miss it if I don't show you what to look for, but it's there."

"What he is saying Leonard, is that some sort of Temporal Agent, charged with preserving the time line by a Temporal Agency based in the future, transported Jim from his quarters to some other point in space time. Jim was not here, meaning, he was not in the same time and space from whence he was transported."

"Exactly, thank you Spock."

"How the hell did you get that from what he just said?"

"I was also privy to his earlier rants Leonard, in which he spoke of Temporal police preserving the time line."

"Cheater." Bones accused.

"See…Now who's the cheater." Jim chided, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at Spock.

"I did not cheat. I used the information at hand to deduce a logical conclusion. You however, cheated on the Kobyashi Maru."

"Original thinking is not cheating. I possess unique abilities to think far outside the confines of your proverbial and logical box. Deal with it."

"Can you two engage in foreplay some other time, like say when I ain't here to watch? Pointy ears may get what's goin' on here but I sure don't."

"Nor do I Leonard, please Jim, start from the beginning."

"Gahhh…fine… okay, it's like this. You remember that run in we had with the Klingons about 8 months ago?"

"Of course we do, we were on board. That was the last incident that brought on your Tarsus dreams. I told Spock about that."

"Yeah and you remember why it brought on the dreams don't you?"

"How many times do I gotta tell you that it ain't your fault we lost that many people Jim? One of their torpedoes tore a hole in D deck. You couldn't have prevented that."

"You're wrong about that…"

"He is not, there is no maneuver that you could have executed that would have prevented the volley from causing damage to the Enterprise. In fact, given the nature of the assault we were under, it is a miracle that we did not suffer more damage than we did before we were able to target and destroy their weapons arrays."

"Look Spock, I'm not going to give you the standard 'I don't believe in no win scenarios' because that's not what this is about. I know we are lucky we didn't suffer more damage than we did. Just as I know that we are lucky we didn't lose more people than we did, but that doesn't help the situation."

"Which is what?" Leonard asked when Jim just stood there for a minute.

"Which is the fact that I'm a fucking jinx, or bad news, or just the worst Captain in the history of the universe and I am responsible, it is my fault, all of it is my fault, and I'm not just talking about that time, or those deaths, I'm talking about all of them."

"Okay, not to sound like an ass or anything Jim, because I know you are trying to explain, but you are doing that thing again. You know the one you used to do at the academy, so I ask you… What the fuck are you talking about? This time go slowly, put all the thoughts that are in your head out in the air where everyone can hear them with your words Jim, remember? Use your words."

"I am not doing 'the thing', why do you always accuse me of doing 'the thing' when I'm not?"

"I don't. I only accuse you of doing 'the thing' when you are actually doing 'the thing', which you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too… Spock, tell him he's doing 'the thing', he'll listen to you."

"I would love to oblige you Leonard, but I have no idea to what you are referring, and your verbal sparring is likened to the banter that Jim and I were exchanging earlier when you accused us of engaging in foreplay."

"Hahahaha BURN…"

"He was burning you too asshole. Okay here's the deal. When Jim gets frustrated with something, I mean really frustrated, and tries to explain it, it comes out all jumbled. His mind goes about three or four hundred percent faster than his mouth does and something gets lost in the translation. He THINKS he's telling you everything, because it's all up here," Leonard explained, thumping on the side if Jim's skull with his forefinger, "but what he doesn't realize is that all that stuff up there, isn't actually coming out of his mouth. He's doing that now."

"Taking your explanation into consideration, along with the fact that Jim is making little sense, I would have to conclude that you are correct in your accusation that he is indeed doing 'the thing', and is not aware."

"Thanks, love you too." Jim said wryly.

"Don't be an ass. Concede and use your words. How is that incident, or any other death your fault?"

"Because I am… because I WAS the Captain, Bones. Because I was the Captain, their Captain, I was responsible for their lives and their wellbeing. Therefore, it was also my responsibility to keep them alive and I didn't. I didn't and so the responsibility for their deaths also lies on me, which makes it my fault. I was the one in charge. I should have done something differently, I should have prevented it, I should have, stopped it, I should have made sure they were safe, I should have tried harder, I should have… I should have hidden them better, I should have made sure they stayed together… I should have made sure she ran out the back and not the front…I shouldn't have fallen asleep on watch… I should…"

Bones stopped Jim's pacing and the frantic ranting right there and took ahold of Jim firmly. He hugged the man fiercely to him and shot Spock a pointed look, then let Jim out of his embrace only slightly. He held tight to his shoulders, breaking his grip only long enough to grab the other man's jaw and force Jim to look him in the eye.

"Now you listen to me James Tiberius Kirk, you are the damned finest Captain in the fleet. The damned finest Captain in Starfleeet's history, and I will not have you blaming the deaths of random crew members that couldn't be prevented on yourself, just because you are still blaming yourself for the kids that died on Tarsus. Tarusus wasn't your fault either. Are you understanding me?" Leonard nearly yelled at his friend before turning to the Vulcan. "Call Kevin."

"No. Do not call Kevin. This doesn't concern him and he cannot, I repeat, cannot know that I'm here, or that I've taken over or that I even** can** take over. Spock I swear to God if you take one step toward that comm I will leave and I might not come back, and James isn't going to explain anything else to you, I won't let him." Jim threatened causing Spock to stop short in his tracks.

"Jim you are confusing Tarsus, with the deaths of the Enterprise crew members. This does involve Kevin, and you can't keep this from him. He's your family, just as much as we are, and he needs to know what's going on here. He can help."

"No he can't. He can't help Bones, and neither can you, and neither can Spock. Nobody can help. I'm a fucking failure. I've always been a fucking failure. My own mother couldn't even love me. I don't deserve to be Captain, not of the Enterprise, not of anything."

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a psychologist, but I've been down this road with you more than once and I know one thing for sure, I can't do this alone. I need Kevin here, even if you don't."

It was a lie. At least it was sort of a lie, but Leonard knew that Jim needed Kevin, hell he needed Dr. Borja, his psychiatrist back home on Earth, but that wasn't possible right now, and Kevin was the only other person who was privy to Jim's psychosis, his self-doubt and self-blame. He and Kevin had been to enough joint counseling sessions to know exactly what was going through Jim's head and how to handle it, but Leonard hadn't been there, on Tarsus IV, and Jim would never accept that the loss of life there was not his fault from Leonard. He only accepted that from Kevin, or Tom Leighton, sometimes Eric Molson, but Molson didn't like to get involved. He was older when everything happened and hadn't been with Jim's group like Kevin and Tommy were.

Somehow they got Jim to relent and Spock went to retrieve Kevin personally because Jim insisted that they ensure that no one else know that Kevin was needed. He didn't want anyone else to even hear about it and get concerned about James. If they did they might stop by to check on things and he wasn't about to deal with that. By the time Spock and Kevin got back, Kevin knew what was going on, Spock having discreetly filled him in on their way to his quarters.

"Jim are you nuts?" was the first thing out of Kevin's mouth.

"Hi, nice to see you too."

"Shut up. I'm serious."

"So am I dickweed. I haven't seen you in nearly four months and the first thing you do is insult me."

"You see me every fucking day."

"No James sees you every fucking day."

"Same thing. He told Spock you were one and the same."

"Semantics."

"Can we get back to the subject? Are you nuts? You can't quit! And what's with the fucking blame game again? How many times do we have to go down this road bro?"

"Damn it Kev, you know how I feel about all that shit."

"Yeah and you know how I feel about it so knock it the fuck off."

"What the hell do you know about it? You were a baby."

"I was seven Jim. I was seven and that might be young, but I watched my whole family get murdered in right front of me. I watched my friends die. I watched hundreds of people die Jim, and that was after starving for weeks. A kid tends to grow up real fast when faced with that kind of crap. You hearing what I'm saying Jimmy? If it hadn't been for you, I'd be dead too, and so would Tommy. Eric Molson was down there, he knows what it was like. He was my age when Kodos executed everyone and he spent those weeks running from the soldiers too. He was my age and had a hard time keeping himself alive. You kept us all alive Jimmy, for a really long time.

Gerald and his group, they had a choice Jimmy. I know there were five of them that left with Gerald, but you explained to each and every one of them why they shouldn't go with him and why he was wrong about the food storage facility. You told them Jimmy, you told them that he was wrong and that the place was crawling with Kodos' soldiers and dogs and that they'd never get near it. They went anyway. If they'd stayed with you, they'd have lived and you know it. Them getting slaughtered, that was their fault for not listening to you Jimmy. Just because Gerald was older, didn't make him right.

Sarah, panicked, that wasn't your fault. Eddie wandered off. He didn't stay with the group. You told him not to wander, to pay attention. Alexandra was supposed to be watching from the rear, it was her fault he wandered off Jimmy, not yours.

As for Alexandra, you'd been awake for three days straight Jimmy. You shouldn't have been on watch at all that night. It was her turn. It was **her** turn. She should have been standing watch, you were too tired and she knew it, but she didn't care Jimmy. She was too wrapped up in her depression to care.

I'm sorry she's dead, but you killed the fucking prick that snuck into camp and tried to rape her. Tried Jimmy, not succeeded. You stopped him, remember? Alexandra had other issues. Lots and lots of other issues, not the least of which was living with the guilt that she watched her own twin sister die in her arms. She killed herself because of those issues Jimmy, not because some guy snuck into camp when you dosed off.

You didn't kill her, and you couldn't have stopped her.

Annalee lived, Nikolai lived, and if they'd been assigned to the Enterprise and not the Farragut, they'd still be alive today. Nero killed them.

Torvald is still out there somewhere. I know we haven't heard from him in a while, but you saved him too Jimmy. You saved him too. You gotta get it through your fuckin' thick skull Jimmy. You are a god damned hero, not a failure. You were never a failure. Your mom can suck it and go to hell. God dammit. Do I need to call Sam?"

"No! Jesus, no. The last thing I need right now is Sam on my case too. You three and the fucking Time Police are plenty thanks."

"Then quit being a dolt. Look Jim, when you sign up for the academy Starfleet explains to you how dangerous working in space is. Even if you are a scientist, there's no such thing as completely peaceful exploration. There are too many variables and unknowns, too many uncontrollable and unforeseeable elements. Cadets sign waivers before they ever step foot in space. We all know the risks. Our jobs are dangerous by nature, people are going to die. It's unavoidable. They die on other ships too, it's a fact and it's no one's fault, and no one is blaming you."

"Oh yeah. No one is blaming me huh? Gimme that data PADD back Bones."

"You mean this one, with your resignation on it? No way. You're never getting this back. Not until Spock can break the encryption code and erase the damn thing."

"Ha, good luck with that. Just gimme it, I'll give it back I swear." Jim said yanking it out of Bones' hands. He quickly scrolled through some other data and then shoved it back at Bones with a 'so there' look on his face.

"What's this?"

"Those are the recruiting quotas, throughout Starfleet, for the six months prior to my writing that resignation. Go ahead you know-it-all assholes. Read it."

Spock, Leonard and Kevin all read the reports, looked back and forth at each other and Jim. Finally they all spoke at once.

"Jim this proves nothing." / "This is bullshit. These numbers have to be wrong." / "This is just a coincidence, so what if the other ships numbers are higher."

"A – it proves everything. B – I checked and rechecked that data and then had Pike recheck it, the numbers are beyond accurate. And C – it's not a coincidence and the other ship's numbers aren't just higher Kevin, they HAVE recruits, we don't. I don't. None. Not one. What I do have are people from Communications and Engineering transferring **OFF** my ship at an alarming rate. It seems word has gotten around the Federation that the name James T. Kirk is synonymous with red-shirted Ensigns dying all over the damned universe."

"Do not exaggerate Jim."

"I'm not exaggerating Spock," Jim said touching the screen to bring up another report and show him the transfer request data during the same time period.

"Yeah but I'm with Kevin, it's just coincidence Jim."

"Is it Bones? Is it really? Check same data for the last three months then. See what's happened since Spock has been Captain."

"Oh come on Jim, so we've had a couple recruits in the last month or so. So what, a fresh group of cadets just graduated." Kevin declared.

"We had more than a couple. Twenty new recruits and no transfers since Spock took command Kevin. That's twenty more recruits than in the previous six months, and ten more than in the six months prior to that. As for transfers, as I said, there were none. Thirty people put in requests for transfer in the six months prior to Spock taking command, thirty. When your crew compliment hovers around 400, thirty is a lot for one fucking department."

"Technically Communications and Engineering are two different departments."

"Don't start with me Spock. You know damn well what I'm trying to say, and before any of you start in on the red-shirted ensign crap. It's true. Ask around. I did a lot of digging. I created fake online profiles and went into academy chat rooms as a lurker. It's all true. You want the chat transcripts? I'll show 'em to you."

"Oh come on Jim, that's just talk, conjecture."

"You're point being? They're still scared of me Bones. How do you think that makes me feel, conjecture or not, that's what they are saying and that's what is keeping them from wanting to serve on the Enterprise. This is the Federation's Flagship, the finest ship in the fleet. They should be jumping at the chance to serve on this ship, instead they are running the other direction as fast as they can, and it's all because of me."

"Then why is it so important to the preservation of the time line that you remain in the Captaincy Jim? You said yourself that a Temporal Agent prevented you from sending your resignation to Admiral Pike, and then somehow transformed your conscious mind so that you could view things from the perspective of a child, without the predisposed prejudices of adulthood, in order for you to understand how important your role as Captain is and will be, so that you could more readily accept your destiny and return to the Captaincy."

"When the hell did he say that?"

"I said it before, see, HE listens to me."

"I was listening too and I didn't get any of that."

"He made statements to the effect, which I was able to derive my conclusion, during his earlier explanations."

"Did not."

"Yes, he did. Had he not, I would not have been able to summarize his statements nor my conclusions."

"When?"

"Towards the beginning he explained that his resignation was not sent to Admiral Pike due to the arrival of a Temporal Agent in his quarters, who then explained to him that it was his destiny to remain as the Captain of the Enterprise. It was after our discussion that he explained their reasoning for giving him the outlook of a child."

"I remember the resignation stuff, but was the other stuff before or after the Borg stuff?"

"After the initial mentioning of assimilation, but before the comment that 'Borg are Borg' I believe."

"Okay, okay, I think I remember now, it's just all so confusing. I don't know how you keep it strait."

"He has an eidetic memory, a very logical, eidetic memory." Jim explained proudly.

"You do?"

"Not completely eidetic no, but it is very close yes."

"What are Borg?" Kevin asked.

"Don't ask." / "Do not ask."

"Okay, I get that you are blaming yourself for a lot of shit that you shouldn't be blaming yourself for. We'll work on that. You still can't quit. Apparently you said it yourself. You are too important to the future of the Federation Jim. Why don't we start there. Start with the Temporal Agent and tell us what he said and what happened there."

"Fine, we'll start there. Everybody sit down, this is going to take a while."

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah I know. I sort of cliffied you again. The explanation is long and hard. I'm almost done – but I wanted this much up now so you wouldn't have to wait as long. I'll hurry as fast as I can. I promise.


	15. Of Explanations and Explorations

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings**: Language and Smut... Slashy Slashy Smut - Don't like it - DON'T READ

**Author's Note:**

This is WAY longer than it should be and in the interest of consistency I should have broken it up into two chapters - but I'm too tired and can't find a good place to break it without making one still too long and the other too short... So deal with it.

Also.

Dulmer and Lucsly are NOT MINE - they are Canon - DS9 I believe... but it seemed appropriate to use them.... Their names ARE anagrams for Mulder and Scully - although I did add the first names - which was sooooo hard and not at all original either...

Anyway - given the fact that their names are admitted anagrams - I HAD to include some horrible horrible puns/jokes. I would apologize for that - but I'm just that kind of person, with that kind of lame sense of humor, and I can't apologize for being me... lol.

James will be back next chapter. There's still a ways to go and a few things to find out.

As always - please review - THANKS

T

* * *

Jim waited until they were all seated and ready to listen and then launched into his explanation. He had contemplated resigning for a long time. He'd done a good job of keeping everything to himself. Neither Spock, nor, Bones, nor Kevin had suspected anything. No one had. He only allowed himself to let the depression and self-doubt set in when he was in his quarters alone. He hadn't made his decision lightly and it had been one of the hardest and most painful decisions he'd ever had to make.

Leaving the Enterprise meant leaving the only home he'd ever really know, or felt was a real home and not just a place to live. It meant leaving the people who had become his family, his ship, his crew, his officers and his best friends. Above all it meant leaving his two adopted brothers, Bones and Kevin, and …. It meant leaving Spock. Leaving Spock was what kept him from resigning for over six months. However, as time had gone by, the recruitment numbers kept going down and the transfer requests kept going up, and people kept dying on away missions, for stupid reasons.

Add to that the fact that Spock had shown no romantic inclinations towards him, and Jim knew that it was a bad idea to try and get involved with someone he worked so closely with and staying seemed pointless. He knew that if he stayed, just to be close to Spock, it would be a mistake.

Eventually he'd slip and do something, or say something, and Spock would have found out that Jim was in love with him. Jim had felt that combined with everything else, and the fact that the rumors were keeping good recruits from wanting to serve aboard the Enterprise, that he had no choice but to relinquish command. He needed to put the Enterprise and what was best for the future of the Federation's Flagship first, and he couldn't risk screwing up his friendship with Spock. He'd been sure that if Spock found out that he was in love with him, Spock would hate him.

So he'd made his decision. He'd written up his letter of resignation, but he hadn't sent it right away. He put it in his desk and sat on it for two days. He'd called his Uncle John, who'd moved to Florida, and asked if he could buy the Cabin in Island Park and the Ranch in Idaho, and then bought them. He'd called Sam and told him he was coming home, without explaining it was permanent, made him think it was for an extended visit. He'd told Bones about buying his Uncle's properties but made it sound like it was just to have a home base and for shore leave, but made it clear to Bones that there was a guest room with his permanent name on it.

He'd done the same with Kevin, and to a lesser degree with Hikaru, Pavel, Scotty and Uhura. Tthen he'd had dinner with Spock. They'd had a wonderful evening, talking, playing chess, discussing literature, both Earth and Vulcan varieties. He'd told Spock about the Cabin in Island Park. He'd invited Spock to come stay there with him on their next shore leave, just the two of them, if Spock wanted.

Spock had indicated that it sounded like an enjoyable respite, but hadn't seemed overly interested in the idea. Jim had thought he saw a flicker of interest there, but he just couldn't be sure, and he definitely couldn't be sure enough to change his mind. No, if he was going to pursue anything with Spock, he needed to wait to do it until after he'd resigned. That way there would be no further consequences to the Enterprise if he was wrong and it didn't work out.

When Spock retired to his own quarters for the evening Jim sat down and pulled out the resignation. He'd tied up all his loose ends. He'd said goodbye without saying goodbye. He'd figured he'd break the news to them and say the actual words once they got back to Earth, which had been scheduled for three days later. He'd checked over the resignation, drafted a formal e-mail to Admiral Pike, attached the resignation, and was just about to hit send, when a flash of light emitted from behind him and a hand reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that Captain Kirk," the man holding his wrist had said.

The man had introduced himself as David Lucsly, a Temporal Agent for DTI, the Department of Temporal Investigations. What followed was an unconvincing conversation in which Lucsly tried to talk Kirk out of resigning and explain to him how important it was to the future of the Federation that he remain Captain of the Enterprise, despite the fact that Kirk alone had the biggest file in the DTI, with 17 separate temporal violations, and that had been in the original time-line. The current time-line was fluctuating, which was in itself causing a great deal of concern, but in one fluctuation Kirk had amassed 24 violations in his file.

This explanation had done nothing to help Lucsly convince Jim of anything, except that he was quite possibly crazy and needed to be confined to the Brig. So Lucsly had no choice but to transport Jim to DTI headquarters, where he and his partner Gil Dulmer, spend the next three to four days tirelessly explaining all things Temporal to Jim and going over every detail of his file with him. They also outlined the future of the Federation, and what would happen to cause its demise if Jim himself was not at the helm of the Enterprise.

To this Jim had characteristically stated that he wasn't at the helm, Sulu was, he just sat in the big chair and said punch it. This did not help his situation, and only caused them to start over from the beginning. In the end, he did not see their point, and they certainly did not see his, and so the decision was made to create a younger Jim.

Dulmer was convinced that through a child's – through his own eyes as a child, Kirk would understand how important he was to the Enterprise, to his crewmates, to his friends, and to Spock. Lucsly wasn't so sure. He seemed to understand more than Dulmer what was motivating Kirk psychologically speaking, and where his self-doubt and feelings of failure seemed to derive. Lucsly seemed to think that Kirk needed intensive psychological counseling. Dulmer disagreed.

"The truth is out there Lucsly, and his younger self will see it. He won't let Jim's adult negativity sway him. Jim may need some counseling, but his friends can handle that. What he really needs to get over this self-doubt is love. He needs to understand unconditional love, the kind he never got as a child, because his mother was too busy wallowing in self-pity.

Jim's child self will get that kind of love. He'll get it from the crew, and from his officers. He'll get it and finally understand it, from Kevin Riley and Leonard McCoy, and most importantly, he'll get it from Commander Spock, which is what he needs most. He needs to understand how much Commander Spock Loves him and be able to give that love back before he can love himself."

"He's been described as an arrogant prick. I think he loves himself enough." Luclsy had countered.

"Hey, I resent that." Jim had hollered but been ignored.

"Arrogance does not automatically translate into healthy self-esteem or self-love. You know that Luclsy. Through the eyes of a child, Jim will understand his destiny. His destiny is to remain aboard the Enterprise, to be its Captain, and to stay with Commander Spock, and you know that as well. It is the two of them together, that save the Federation, define the Federation, and in whom future generations model their commands.

What Jim needs to really understand where it is he is destined to be is love and acceptance, and once he's accepted as his younger self, that his place is aboard Enterprise and with Spock, then he will be ready to accept as Jim, that his place is as Enterprise's Captain, and that his heart belongs with Spock as Spock's bondmate. As a child, he would need the unconditional love that a parent or family member gives to a child, so that he can re-build the self-esteem he never had the chance to build in his own childhood. As Jim, he needs somebody to pound it into his thick skull that shit happens, and it can't be avoided, and that his destiny is to be the Captain of the Enterprise. Spock will be the one he'll listen to, the one that can pound it into him. Spock will be the one willing to pound it into him over and over and over until Jim finally accepts it and believes him," Dulmer finished with a bit of a leer.

"You may be right about all that Dulmer. You've made your point. I'm willing to go along with your little experiment. Even though I get the feeling your choice of words are just a euphemism for…"

"Stop, right there, we're not going to talk about Spock pounding me with anything over and over except **INFORMATION**, so just … don't even go there." Jim broke in, finally getting their attention. "Look you guys want to play games, I can't stop you, and I'll admit, the plan doesn't sound… _all_ bad. If fact it kinda sounds like I'll get a little vacation out of the deal, so whatever, but what if you're wrong. What if my kid self does 'get' whatever you are wanting him to get and wants to stay aboard the Enterprise with Spock and be Captain and all that, but I still don't , despite Spock's supposed poundings. What then?"

"Then you will remain aboard the Enterprise with the personality and mind of a child, for however long it takes."

"That's what I'm saying. What if I never change my mind."

"You will, and if I'm completely wrong and you don't, well, I've run the data through the simulator so many times that there really is no doubt. Your presence aboard Enterprise in any fashion is better than none at all. You and Spock are a team. He relies on you for more than just your opinions. His love and self-worth and confidence are just as wrapped up in you as yours are in him. If you leave Enterprise, his Command will never be as effective as it is with you aboard. In fact, it is unlikely that he will remain in Command. Fifty percent of the scenarios end with him resigning as well, which leads to the even quicker demise of the Federation.

In the sims I ran with you staying aboard the Enterprise with the mind of a child, some factions of the Federation still remained intact even without you in the Captain's seat. But not all, and the Romulan/Klingon attack still leaves the Federation so depleted that they stand no chance against the Borg incursion. You have to understand Jim, remaining on board as James is better than nothing, but in order to save the future Earth, of the human race and countless other races in the Alpha and Beta quadrants, it has to be you in that Captain's chair for the next ten years or twenty, and not Commander Spock."

"Ten **or** twenty?"

"Well you know, there's that whole getting promoted to Admiral and then getting bucked back down to Captain thing, which is a whole different Temporal Investigation all together. That one takes up a good portion of your file I might add, and neither of us was assigned to it, so therefore, it's irrelevant." Dulmer explained.

"You're talking about the whale thing right?"

"Right but you'll forget about that. You'll forget anything we've talked about pertaining to future events actually. We can't have you having too much information about the future after all. Just that alone would affect the space time continuum. What I will make sure that you remember is that it is of the utmost importance that you retain the Captaincy of the Enterprise when I make your younger self."

"When you make my younger self?"

"It involves bringing forth prominent memories from you long term memory centers and accessing those memories you retain from when you were three to seven years of age, which is considered the age of innocence. You'll still have access to adult memories in a limited capacity, to help you deal with having an adult body, but your personality will be formed by those memories and your younger self will be in the driver's seat so to speak."

"What he's trying to say," Lucsly broke in, "is that your adult consciousness and personality will be repressed and the personality you had when you were very young will be brought forward. It will be not unlike a truly symbiotic relationship."

"So it will be like I'm the symbiote and the kid is the host, because he's driving or in charge or whatever?"

"Precisely. You'll be privy to everything he experiences, but it will be his mind and personality making the decisions and reacting to experiences."

"Even if I don't agree with those decisions? I mean come on. It's MY body."

"It is your body and you won't necessarily disagree with his decisions Jim. He will be you and you will be him. He won't make any decisions you yourself wouldn't have made at that age, given the same situations and circumstances. He's not going to be a separate entity like a true host/symbiote thing Jim. He's you. Your personality, your memories, the way you used to be."

"That doesn't mean I'll agree. I'm an adult now, with a lifetime of crap between then and now."

"He's still not going to do anything you would inherently disagree with, and as far as the Captaincy, and even Spock go, you'll both have to agree."

"Wait so then we'll have to interact somehow , even though my adult self will be repressed, he'll have to convince me, through his experiences that retaining the Captaincy is the right thing and right now, that aint' gonna happen. If he has influence over me, does that mean I have influence over him?"

"Of course, to an extent. I suppose the only way for me to really explain it is to say that it will be complicated Jim. You may even be able to, push your own personality to the forefront during certain situations, for safety purposes for example, but it would take great effort for you to do so. Your primary role during all of this will be to observe, and learn, and understand what your younger self is feeling and experiencing. You need to understand his point of view."

"Fine, okay, but this 'as long as it takes' bullshit is just that. Bullshit. I want a cut off time."

"You are in no position to bargain Jim."

"Oh really? You seem to think the fate of the fucking universe hangs on me, so I think I am in a position to bargain. I could tell you to go to hell you know, and find a way to fuck this up for you even if you go ahead and turn me into a kid against my will. You want me to cooperate, then let's deal."

"Allright, what's your proposition." Dulmer had asked, and the negotiations had gone on for hours before they finally came to an agreement. An argument ensued between Dulmer and Lucsly after that as to who should actually be programming the computer that would access Jim's memory centers and manipulate his memories and personalities.

Luclsy was the scientist by primary profession, and had become a time agent in secondary capacity. Dulmer had always been the investigative type. He had a scientific mind, but sometimes his ideas were far-fetched and this wasn't something he'd had a lot of experience with. Luclsy also had a psychology degree and was more familiar with the human brain, but it had been Dulmer that had invented the process, he'd just had Luclsy's help in perfecting it.

In the end they decided to do it together. Jim was strapped into a machine that resembled one of Bones' bio scanners, with electrode lasers pinpointing hundreds spots on his head. Dulmer stayed in the room with him while Luclsy ran the initial scans that would map Jim's brain. Dulmer needed to ask him questions while Lucsly measured and recorded his responses.

Jim was nervous. They were messing with his brain here. They may be from the future, but these two acted like they didn't know what they were doing .

"Relax Jim, we've done this before. It worked like a charm. You'll be fine." Dulmer had assured him. It hadn't helped. He started asking questions of his own to distract himself. He was mostly curious about all the other people who had appeared in the room to observe the process. Most were agents or higher ups.

"Hey - who's the weird guy in the corner who keeps smoking cigarettes?" Jim had asked, spotting a strange man half hidden in the shadows in the corner.

"Oh that's 'The Man Who Smokes Cigarrettes. He's my nemesis."

"That's helpful, why is he holding a glowy staff and wearing a robe?"

"Sometimes he moonlights as a Prior of the Ori?"

"A what?"

"Don't ask"

"You are by far the weirdest dude I've ever met Dulmer. Who's the tall bald guy with the glasses?"

"Oh that's Colonel Walter Steven Skinner-Caldwell"

"Colonel?"

"Air Force, X-Gate Division"

"What's the X-Gate Division?"

"Top Secret – lots of over the top cliché bad guys – and paranormal stuff – you wouldn't be interested."

"Why does the Air Force, even exist in the future? We barely still have military factions now, what with Starfleet and all."

"I'd love to tell you Jim but we have to get on with this."

Get on with it they did. It took hours just to map Jim's brain, and many many more hours to complete the transformation to Lucsly and Dulmer's satisfaction. It seemed that Jim was very unique indeed and seemed to be resisting the process to a great extent. Luclsy postulated that it had something to do with childhood traumas stemming from abuse and neglect.

* *

"Anyway, they finally figured it out, and then we came back in time and they sent out that subspace signal, which they knew long range probes would pick up. Scotty found the signal and once the confirmed that the Enterprise was en route, they left. I don't know if they went back to where they came from or if they're still around observing or what. But here I am, and here James is, and that's all I know." Jim finished.

Spock, Leonard and Kevin sat stunned at the long winded explanation. Finally they all started talking at once. They shot a lot of questions at him, only a few of which Jim could even answer.

"Okay, I have two questions that you need to figure out answers for genius." Kevin shot at him.

"What?"

"You said this Dulmer guy told you that you wouldn't remember any of the information you guys talked about, like what you supposedly do in the future and all that, because it would wreck the space time continuum, but you do. Why do you, I mean, that's bad right?"

"Hell if I know. I'm not the friggin genius from the future who thinks he knows everything and he ain't here now. I don't remember all the shit they said, just bits and pieces. I know that one thing he was talking about had something to do with going back to 1987 and humpback whales, but that was like the biggest part of my file, and I really don't remember much else that was in my file. That stuff really is kind of fuzzy. So I guess he sort of figured it out. But I remember him and Lucsly and I'm not supposed to I don't think. I also remember some key things that need to happen in order to preserve the time line and prevent the Borg incursion, and I remember what they said about the Borg and the Klingon/Romulan invasion. Why I do, I don't know. It must have something to do with how hard it was to perfect the process, because I was subconsciously resisting it even though I'd consciously agreed to it."

"Hmmm, okay, well, that makes sense I guess, but that brings me to my other question. What was the bargain?"

"What bargain?"

"The bargain you made with Dulmer, whatever he agreed to in order to get you to go along with this cockamamie scheme."

"That I'm not telling. And as for those key points I mentioned, you aren't getting another word out of me about those either. No man should know too much about his own destiny. As of right now, I do, but I'm sure as hell not putting any of you in that position. You know what you need to know. That's all I'm saying."

"Well I say the whole thing sounds like a damned B science fiction movie, with bad actors." Bones raved.

"Maybe so, but it is what it is Bones. Oh and just so you guys know, Dulmer and Lucsly were right about how hard it is for me to come forward. It's taking a hell of a lot of effort. In fact I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up, and before you ask, no, I'm not ready to accept my fate, or my destiny or whatever and retain the Captaincy. I'm still not convinced about all that. I think there has to be some kind of alternative. I just don't know what yet and… I just… I can't. I'm obviously making bad decisions, otherwise … I mean numbers don't lie. You know that right Spock?"

"I understand your reasoning Jim. However, I do not believe you have taken every possibility for those numbers into account. I will look into it myself before drawing conclusions."

Jim sat down on the couch beside Spock suddenly putting his head in his hands and pressing his fingers to his temples. His eyes closed and he let out a low moan. Spock automatically moved closer to Jim and rubbed circles on his back as he leaned in close to him. Leonard knelt down in front of him and made Jim look him in the eye.

"Migraine," he declared after testing Jim's pupil reactivity. "I'll go get a…"

"No, no hypos. It won't do any good Bones. This is because I'm fighting so hard to stay in control. Once James takes over again, the headache will dissipate."

"You mean you are not staying?" Spock inquired.

"I… no.. I can't… I," Jim stammered turning to look at Spock with his too blue eyes. The chocolate brown ones staring back at him, suddenly filled with emotion and glossed over with moisture. "I'm so sorry hon, but I can't. I want to, believe, me, I just don't have the strength. God this sucks." Jim yelled, pulling Sock into his arms and hugging the Vulcan tightly to him.

"Um… look Jim, you've explained what you could. I think Kevin and I know what we need to know, and what we need to do from here. We'll uh… leave you two alone."

"Thanks Bones," Jim said, rising to hug his friends. "Look you guys, you need to …"

"Don't worry Jimmy, mums the word," Kevin cut him off. "We won't say anything, Starfleet would have a hayday with this and we don't need them carting you off to experiment on you. Thanks for including me in this though. I really appreciate it."

"Yeah well, it's like Bones said, you're family Kev," Jim said giving the kid another hug. "I'll see you guys later huh? Tomorrow I mean. Well I mean I won't, James will, but, you know what I mean."

They knew and reassured him that it was okay and that they understood, as best as they could. Then they left Jim and Spock and retreated to Leonard's quarters so that they could talk and figure out how to convince Jim that he was wrong about being a horrible Captain and a bad person. They knew those figures had to be wrong and there had to be another explanation for the transfers and low recruitment quotas, they just had to figure out what it was. They were determined to do just that though, but they were going to need help, so quietly they assembled a team, a team that would be sworn to secrecy under pain of death, but a team that they knew would be so loyal to Jim, that they could trust them with the task and the reasons for it. They'd tell them as little as possible of course, but they had to know what they were trying to do and why, and what was at stake.

Meanwhile back in Spock's quarters, Spock and Jim were still sitting wrapped up in one another silently on the couch. Spock was using a telepathic technique to help alleviate Jim's migraine so that he could stay just a little bit longer. There was no need to prevent Spock from doing any type of mind meld or using his telepathy now that he knew everything. When he was done, Jim agreed that it was much better, just a dull ache.

"So, I need to know what you are thinking and feeling."

"It is a lot to take in."

"Yeah I know but, I need to know that you are going to be okay with it."

"You mean, am I going to treat James any differently? No I will not. This will be more difficult for me now that I know everything, but I will still love James unconditionally, and try to help him in whatever way I can."

"You are a good Dad Spock. The best. I wish…"

"I know Jim," Spock said simply, wrapping his arms around Jim once again and pulling Jim into his embrace.

"Maybe someday, when this is all over, you can be a Dad again. I mean we can always… Oh shit I'm totally jumping the gun. I'm sorry. Um.. look let's talk for a minute," Jim said reluctantly pulling out of Spock's warm embrace. "We haven't really discussed how you feel about all of this, and I don't mean the situation, I mean me. You've known for a while now that I had feelings for you before this all happened, I mean things happened to cause you to clue in to my attraction for you. Poor James, but anyway, you didn't exactly know that I was … well… in love with you, and now you do. I didn't mean for you to find out this way, I didn't mean for you to find out at all, and I… well I know that you love James, but that's different and I don't want to assume that just because you love James… I mean I know that you loving James doesn't automatically transfer to …."

Spock's kiss cut him off. It was tender but full of all the passion that Jim had been longing for. It was slow and sweet and Jim could feel so much love seeping from Spock's warm lips to his own. He fell back into Spock's embrace, bringing their bodies impossibly close, and sliding his fingers up to tangle them in Spock's impeccable hair and deepen the kiss. It seemed to last forever, yet when Jim realized he had no air left in his lungs, it had not lasted long enough. He broke the kiss with a sigh, still clinging to Spock, and pressed their foreheads together and he tried to catch his breath. Spock was breathing hard as well, but took a hold of Jim's hands and moved back just enough to look the human in the eye.

"Does that sufficiently answer your question…T'hy'la?"

"Hehe, yeah.. yeah I guess it does," Jim said with a chuckle, reaching in to give Spock another quick peck. "If the kiss didn't, the 'T'hy'la' did…. thank you… I um… I know what that word means. Are you sure? I mean, T'hy'la are rare."

''Yet that is what we are Jim, my Jim," Spock said in a low husky tone that went straight to Jim's nether regions, "my T'hy'la. I love you."

"Oh god Spock, I love you too," Jim declared, crushing his lips to Spock's once again. Their kissing became more frantic this time, more needy. They were soon horizontal on the couch, Jim divested of his Kobyashi Maru t-shirt, and Spock's uniform shirt, boots and socks discarded as well. Their hips ground together, the frottage eliciting delicious moans from both of their throats as their tongues battled for dominance in one another's mouth. Spock nipped and sucked his way down Jim's jaw, then his neck until he found the sensitive spot at the base of Jim's neck where it met his shoulder and Jim bucked his hips up into the Vulcan. This seemed to delight Spock to no end so he lavished that sensitive spot with his rough Vulcan tongue, nipping at it with his teeth until Jim's fingers were digging into Spock's butt cheeks, pulling him down to increase the friction between their hardened, but still clothed erections.

Spock continued his ministrations as Jim gasped and moaned and whimpered. He worked his way down to Jim's nipple and gently sucked the small pink bud between his teeth. A slew of expletives escaped Jim's lips and his fingers sunk into Spock's hair, pulling and tugging at the silky strands. When Spock latched onto his other nipple Jim cried out.

"Jeeezus tapdancing Christ Spock, if you don't stop I'm gonna cum."

"Is that not the purpose of these activities T'hy'la?" Spock leered lasciviously at his lover.

"Yeah," Jim chuckled, "but god Spock, you haven't even touched my dick yet, and these are my favorite Jeans, I'd rather not splooge all over them, and leave you to explain to laundry why James' clothes are covered in man juice."

"I have missed your crude humor more than I ever thought possible Jim," Spock said smiling genuinely, sitting up to admire Jim's half naked form.

Jim seemed to stare dreamily at Spock as well. "Do you have any idea how utterly beautiful you are when you smile? I mean seriously."

"Beautiful? Is that not a feminine term."

"Sorry, but there is no other word in any language to aptly describe the way you look right now to me. You are beautiful Spock, and I love that I am one of the privileged few who will ever see you smile like that, and blush the way you are doing right now. God, I just want to… hold this moment in my heart forever."

"As do I T'hy'la. How much longer?" Spock asked tentatively, seeing Jim wince just a little and absentmindedly raise a finger to massage one of his temples.

"Not long I'm afraid. I um… wanted to keep things simple, because of James, but um… I've got a little situation here that needs dealing with, and I don't think it makes any difference at this point whether I deal with it myself, or we deal with it together. I'd much rather deal with it together if that's okay with you, but, we need to take this into the bedroom, and we need to put James' pajamas on his bed in there so I can throw them on after we… "

"Go get them, I will secure the quarters and meet you in the bedroom, unless you think it would be better if we went to your room?"

"Normally I'd say yes, but, I don't think I'm going to be able to stay conscious for very long after, and I don't want you to have to carry me back over here, and like I said, at this point, the location is just semantics. I can't keep him from being aware, he already is."

"That is unfortunate."

"Yeah, I will try to help out with that so it doesn't get awkward. I'll do what I can love. Go, I'll be right there."

They separated briefly and when Jim got back he found the Vulcan naked and waiting for him on the bed. He'd thought that seeing Spock smile was beautiful, but that was nothing compared to the sight before him. He quickly shed his own pants and underwear and joined Spock, cherishing each touch of the hot skin beneath him.

They made love, though penetrative sex was not necessary, neither one of them would have been able to last that long. Their mutual want and need had been repressed for so long that it only took a few moments of touching and their slick erections gliding against one another before they were climaxing nearly simultaneously.

They continued kissing and caressing, touching and exploring one another's bodies for as long as they dared, but finally Jim broke the contact, sheen of moisture glowing in his eyes.

"I'm sorry baby, I can't do it anymore. It's too hard to hold on, "he said pulling away and stumbling off the bed. Spock quickly rose and helped him clean up and dress in James' pajamas. Then he laid Jim back on the bed, cleaned himself up and found some sleepwear of his own. He climbed back up on the bed, spooning up behind Jim and tanging their limbs together tightly, placing butterfly kisses on Jim's hair and neck.

"Will you be able to come back to me?"

"I don't know Spock. I've still got a lot to think about, and coming through this time was pretty fucking hard. It's taken more out of me than I've let you know. James is going to be, really really tired for a couple of days."

"I see. I…I love you Jim," he simply said, not knowing any other response to give, as he tightened his grip on his T'hy'la.

"I love you too Spock. I want to promise you… god I want to promise you a lot of things… but I just can't. All that I can promise you is that I love you, and I do want to be with you, and I will be with you eventually. That was part of the deal. You can't say anything to Bones and Kevin, but, there's a time limit. That's part of it," he said with a yawn…,"I.. made him promise….(yawn) there'd be a limit and then…he'd have to let me….(yawn)… but I won't leave, I'll find…(yawn) I'll find some way to be here but not be Captain… or something…

That was the last coherent thing Jim said, before he could no longer stay conscious. Spock held him tightly in the dark pondering his words as he whispered "good night Jim" into his ear. He laid that way for a very long time, trying to come up with every solution possible to bring Jim back to him permanently.

He loved James, he loved being a father, and he would miss that, and miss James, but he knew now that he needed Jim, more than he needed James, and so did the future and the timeline. Jim had to come back, he had to be Captain, and Spock needed to find a way to make that happen. He would find a way to make that happen, and he knew that he would have an abundance of help. He drifted off to sleep with firm resolution and determination swimming through his mind, and he dreamed of Jim.


	16. Of Investigations and Inclinations

**Disclaimer:** yadda yadda

**Warnings: ** Slashy inappropriate things and stuff and Bones says swears I'm sure.

**A/N:** You guys are the most awesomest readers and reviewers EVER!!!!

I'm dedicating this Chappy to **SpirkTrekker**, who sent many reviews and made me gush.

I am truly feeling very loved right now. Thanks for noticing that I included Stargate stuff with my X-files puns. It was fun.

I just hope this chap lives up to expectations, I pounded it out pretty quick and I'm pretty tired, so I don't know if it made a lot of sense.

For all of you who read the Gorn Poem... I'm sorry... but at the same time - I'm totally not - because I AM insane after all. LOL

Okay - I gotta go take a freaking quiz and then to to class and then go to the hosp (Dad's having gallbladder surg) and then get a nap in there somewhere before I have to head back to work... ugh...

laters lovlies.

T

* * *

"Papa, where's my Little Spock and my Blankie?" a timid voice asked in the darkness. Spock felt James snuggle in closer to him, and while it was comforting, a small pang of disappointment reminded Spock that this was no longer Jim that he was holding.

"I believe we inadvertently left them in the living room area when we went to bed James," Spock said turning up the lighting slightly. "I will go and get them." He wasn't sure how they had managed to remember to retrieve James' pajamas from Jim's quarters, but forget his two most cherished possessions. Then again, he and Jim had indeed had other things on their minds.

"Thanks Papa. Papa, your hair looks all funny."

"Thank you for pointing that out James, I will rectify my grooming before returning to bed as well."

James just giggled at Spock. Spock checked the bathroom mirror seeing that his hair was definitely very out of place and rumpled due to he and Jim's love making. He had not smoothed it down afterward and then had slept on it already sticking up, and the effect seemed to have taken on some permanence. No matter how much he combed the strands on the right side of his head, they would not flatten. They simply remained sticking straight up in the air. He eventually had to resort to wetting down half of his head in order to get his hair to cooperate.

He contemplated making James move to his own bed once he returned to the bedroom with James' blanket and his Little Spock, but he was reluctant to do so. He missed Jim so, that James presence next to him was soothing, no matter how inappropriate. He decided to allow himself this indulgence and deal with the guilt in the morning.

"Thank you Papa," James said clutching the green bear to him and snuggling back up against Spock as tightly as he could. "You'r e warm Papa. I'm is cold and my head hurtses me still. Can you do that temple rubbie thing what you didded for Jim? It helps."

"Of course little one," Spock said, tucking James' blanket fast around him and massaging his temples. After a few minutes, James breathing seemed to deepen and even out as he relaxed. "Is that better?"

"Mhmm, much. You're really good at that. I'm glad I can let you do that now acuz you know everystuff and I don't haveta be 'fraid of you findin out stuff you isn't sposed to know. It wuz really hard for Jim ta tell you all that stuff Papa."

"I know James. I am very glad he did as well. James, may I ask you a query?"

"Sure Papa."

"Are you vehemently against Jim becoming Captain as well? Do you share his feelings toward the crew member's deaths and feel personally responsible for the number of transfers and lack of recruitment?"

"I was, and did, but not so much no more. I'm pretty much fine with bein' Captain again, but he don't listen so good. I guess I just think that stuff happens and if some people don't wanna be here then we can find better people to be here right?"

"I share your opinion. Do you know how we can convince Jim of this?"

"Nope. Like I said, he don't listen so good. I tried ta tell him that but he says that I just don't see it like he does, an I guess he's right cuz I don't. He makes stuff more complicated than it hasta be I think. But long as he's gonna be stubborn, I get ta stay wif you Papa, so I don't mind so much him disgreeing wif me."

"Yes, that is a silver lining son. I would miss you very much if you were gone."

"Papa, do you know what Jim was saying before um…," James started giggling and blushing and squirming.

"Before what James?"

"Before you did the naughty stuff…" James admitted giggling again.

"I'm afraid I am unsure what specific part of the conversation you are referring to," Spock said, blushing a bit himself but diverting the conversation.

"Well before he got a head of himself and then had ta explain about bein' in love with you for all that time, and still not knowing if you felt the same, you was talkin' about me, and how you'd miss me, and how you was a really good Papa."

"Yes I remember."

"What he was sayin' was, well, you know, eventually he's gonna come back for good, and I'm gonna go away for good, that's part of the deal, but he was thinkin' that maybe you and him, could have kids of your own someday. That way you'd still get to be the best Papa in the whole universe and he'd get to be a Daddy too, and Bones could be the bestest Uncle and Kevin too. I think you should Papa. I think you and Jim should have babies. Maybe you could name one James and think bout me and member me that way."

Spock's eyes moistened at the thought. He had not considered being a father before, but caring for James had changed all of that. The thought of having children with Jim, overwhelmed him. He found that though it had not previously occurred to him, it was something that he wanted very much.

"I will take your suggestion into consideration, and discuss it with Jim at some point in the future when the time is appropriate. You are aware however that biologically Jim and I cannot have children with each other?"

"Duh Papa, you're both boys an boys can't have babies. I'm not dumb you know, but you can get one of them, you know… surry gates."

"A surrogate?"

"That's what I said," James stated frankly as he yawned and snuggled into Spock.

"Indeed. I believe it is time we both went back to sleep young man."

"Okay Papa," James agreed, yawning again. "Wuv you."

"And I love you James. Good night."

Spock hugged the man child who felt and smelled like Jim to him, and fell into a dreamless sleep. He was awakened the next morning by Dr. McCoy, tiptoeing into the room and running his medical tricorder over James' sleeping form. Spock stealthily and silently slipped out of bed, tucking the covers around James and motioning for Leonard to follow him out into the living room area.

"So how did it go? Or do I want to know? Scans are fairly normal by the way. He shouldn't have a migraine when he wakes up but he's gonna be damned tired. It's James in there right?"

"It is. Jim was not able to retain control for very much longer after you and Ensign Riley departed. James is fully aware of what took place and that Jim explained to us what happened with the Temporal agents."

"So's he on our side, or Jim's?"

"Ours, though he is as unsure how to sway Jim's opinion as we are. Am I correct in assuming that you and Ensign Riley had a chance to converse after your departure?"

"Yeah, we did, and I'll tell you right now before the kid wakes up, I broke a promise to Jim already."

"You have shared the information with others?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"It seemed the most logical course of action, to recruit more compatriots whom we can confide in and trust with this knowledge. We should seek those who will remain loyal to Jim and to finding a solution to our problem, and who will not betray our trust by informing Starfleet. There are a select few who fit those perameters, but I myself came to the conclusion last night, that it would be necessary to include others, as I do not think we will be able to accomplish our goals without their assistance."

"Exactly the conclusion Kev and I came to. I'll tell you who we recruited and you tell me if you agree with the assessment, not that you can do anything about it at this point. They all already know and are on board."

"Please, I am sure that we drew the same conclusions as to the personnel choices as well."

"Well that's one way to put it, I would have said something like friends, but whatever. We told Hikaru, Pavel, Nyota, Scotty and Christine. We thought about including Janice, or Giotto, or Gaila, but decided against it in the long run. I think Janice put in for a transfer. She was Jim's personal yeoman and she's been feeling pretty useless the last couple of months. We also knocked around including Keenser and the old man – you know, the other you, but Scotty said Keenser has a big mouth, and we figured this isn't exactly something older you has any experience with. His Jim didn't get dicked over by his mom, so he didn't have these kinds of emotional issues. Plus, that would just complicate the hell out of things. We wanted to included Pike – we know he can be trusted, but we decided that putting him in that kind of position wouldn't be fair to him. He is an admiral at Starfleet after all and he'd be obligated to report everything."

"Your assessments are the same as my own, with the exception of Keenser. I did not consider him as a compatriot, nor was I aware that he has a big mouth. I did consider calling Jim's brother however. Sam has been very concerned about Jim and James' condition over the past several months, and he was witness to Jim's emotional breakdowns when he was younger. He may be better equipped at dealing with this or finding a way to convince Jim that he is wrong."

"Good point. Kevin thought about calling Sam too, but when he brought it up it was close to 1 .a.m. back in the states so we haven't called him yet."

"Did the others have any ideas as to what measures to pursue?"

"Oh yeah, we brainstormed half the night. Scotty says he don't think Jim's right about the transfers at all, most of them was from his department you know. Also – he made it very clear that he don't just accept any old recruits, and he's been turning down anybody who didn't get top marks, so word got around not to bother applying unless you were top of your class. We decided that we're gonna track down each and every one of the people who requested transfers in the last 9 months find out what their motivations were.

Christine and Nyota and Pavel are gonna look into the rumors, and Pavel wants those chat transcripts. He wants to know what chat rooms Jim was lurking in because some of them are less than on the up and up and a couple of them are academy wanna be rooms, dumb kids who are pissed cuz they didn't get in, posing as students and/or cadets, and stirring up trouble. He has a list of those kinds of people too, and what handles they go by. Sometimes they go into legit rooms and try to start shit. He thinks that's what Jim found."

"So the rumors and conjecture may be false and completely without merit?"

"Precisely and if we can prove that to Jim, he won't have a leg to stand on. Me and Scotty and Hikaru are gonna look into this recruitment quota thing. I'm about the same as Scotty. Nobody gets into my med department unless they are top of their class and I took it a step further."

"Meaning?"

"I went to the Academy Instructors in Med Sciences and gave them some announcements to read to all incoming new cadets, and those on track for graduation. In a nutshell it says, if you want to serve aboard the Enterprise, and that's why you joined Starfleet, then you better damned well be the best of the best or don't even bother applying to the Enterprise. The one for the cadets on graduate track says the same but goes into more detail. I'm the one who approves all recruit applications for the Med Sciences Department aboard Enterprise and if you haven't achieved certain marks in certain areas, or logged the appropriate amount of hours in the clinics, or if you haven't completed your rotations, don't bother, because I'll send your application back with a big red rejected and put your name in my file for future reference so that I can refuse transfer requests as well."

"I have done the same for the Science Labs as well. In fact it was just a few months ago that Montgomery came to me complaining about substandard applicants requesting recruitment aboard Enterprise and I apprised him of the fact that I had issued guidelines to the Academny for any new cadets wishing to apply for service aboard Enterprise. He also adopted this policy and sent a set of guidelines to the Academy for future Engineering, and Security personnel, but up until that time, he had not done so."

"Yeah, that's what he said. Nyota said her boss had done the same thing with Communications recruiting and I know for a fact that Jim did the same for Command Track cadets. Plus, as far as we've been able to tell, all the transfers have been low ranking officers or yeoman, and they've mostly been wet behind the ears kids who haven't been out of the academy for very long. Maybe they just couldn't hack it Spock. It kinda seems like we have all set the standards pretty damned high. I don't think Jim took that into account."

"I am sure that he did not. This is all starting to make much more sense. We should also take into account that among our high ranking officers there have been no transfers that I know of, not even to take higher ranking positions on other starships. This suggests that our higher ranking officers would rather stay aboard Enterprise, than take a small promotion and have to transfer to another ship to receive that promotion. The result being that our command structure is very firmly in place, which leaves little room for advancement past a certain level aboard Enterprise."

"Very true, and I'll bet Jim hadn't considered that little tidbit either."

"Given what we already know, I am now feeling much more confident that we will soon be able to compile enough data to convince Jim that things are not as they seemed to him when he made his decision to resign. I believe that we must also instigate a plan that will convince him how much he is wanted and needed aboard Enterprise."

"Now you're talkin'. I bet we could even…"

"Mornin' Bones, mornin' Papa," a sleepy James interrupted Bones mid-sentence as he padded through the room to the bathroom.

"Hey kiddo, how you doin' this morning?"

"Gotta pee, an I'm hungry too."

"Okay, you go pee and I'll see about getting us some breakfast."

"Should we not eat in the commissary?"

"The scans showed that everything was normal, but his electrolytes are down and he's going to be extremely fatigued like I said before. Jim taking over like that put a strain on his body and took a lot out of him. I think the sooner he gets some nourishment in him the better, so rather than waiting until he's showered and dressed and shaved and then going to the commissary, let's just replicate something quick, let him eat, and then he can get to all that."

"Agreed," Spock said, heading for the bathroom as James came out. He left Leonard to replicate breakfast for Jim and got ready for the day himself while James and Leonard ate. Then he replicated something for himself and ate while James showered, dressed, and shaved.

They agreed that James would work in IT that day instead of going to the daycare as he had previously planned. Leonard only allowed him to work a short shift and then insisted that he come to sickbay for a nap, which James was resistant to because 'naps were for babies' and he was a big boy. Regardless of the resistance, when Spock came to check on James just before lunch, he was sound asleep.

The next five days went by quickly. The Kaldorian colony was reached and their guests displaced to the planet, which made things much quieter on board. James was glad because he no longer had to avoid the mean kids that had teased him. Meanwhile the strike team had not had much chance to make much headway in their investigations due to the extra workload having the Kaldorians on board had placed on the entire crew, but once the Kaldorians were safely deposited at the new colony, the team went straight to work and the evidence was mounting.

Late one evening Spock was sitting on the couch, data PADD in hand, going over numerous reports while James was finishing up his bath. He'd been unusually quiet in the tub, but Spock had barely notice, preoccupied with his work. James came padding back in dressed in a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt, his hair combed back and his blue eyes shining mischievously. He climbed onto the couch and inserted himself under Spock's free arm. The Vulcan absent mindedly placed a light kiss to James' still damp hair and continued reading.

"Do that again Papa."

"Hmm?"

"I said do that again."

"Do what again James?"

"Kiss me," James said, climbing onto Spock's lap, making it harder for him to read his data PADD.

"James I am busy."

"Pwease Papa."

Spock gave James' forehead a quick peck. "There, now please let me finish my work."

"Not like that. Kiss me gain Papa."

"James, I will kiss you goodnight when I tuck you in, which will be in one half hour. Find a book to read and I will read to you as soon as I am finished with this report."

"No. Kiss me gain," James insisted, taking Spock's data PADD from him and tossing it down to the other end of the couch.

"James, I do not have time for games. Please go find a book or find something else to do until it is bedtime. You will get a goodnight kiss when I tuck you in and not until."

"Not playin' games Papa. I need you ta kiss me gain, please…," James said a little more forcefully this time, moving to straddle Spock's lap and look him in the eye. What Spock saw there was not playfulness, but want, and need, it caused his breath to hitch. "Kiss me gain Papa, ony this time on the lips, like you did wif Jim," James said in a low husky voice his eyes darkening further as his fingers snaked underneath Spock's uniform shirt.

For a split second Spock wondered if this were Jim playing games with him, but in the same moment, he knew that it was not. He grabbed hold of James' wrist and pulled it back out from under his shirt and pushed him back so that James was sitting on his knees and not his thighs where he had been.

"You must stop this James. You must stop it right now."

"Don wanna Papa," James intonated, never taking his lust filled eyes off of Spock's, he moved forward, crushing his body to Spock's and tried to kiss him but Spock turned his head. "Please Papa, please kiss me like you kisseded Jim, need you Papa, want you."

Spock could feel Jame's hardness pressed up against him. He closed his eyes and summarily dumped James off his lap and onto the couch. Without saying another word to James he headed straight for the comm on the panel by the door, hitting the button for McCoys quarters.

"Hey Spock, I'm just about on my way, tell James I'll be there to help tuck him in."

"Leonard you must come now! You must come now Leonard, quickly, with the sedative, as we discussed."

It was a code they'd discussed in case something like this happened. Jim had warned that it might. James had been privy to everything that had happened between Jim and Spock and sometimes Jim's thoughts and feelings seeped so much into James consciousness that James couldn't separate himself from Jim, especially when those feelings pertained to Spock. Jim had thought something like this might happen and had told Spock to warn Leonard so that they could be ready to sedate James, which would be the only way to suppress and separate Jim's subconscious longings from James' conscious.

"On my way, either leave, or head to the bathroom and lock the door," Leonard had said through the comm, but Spock was halfway across the room on the first word and in the bathroom with the door locked before Loenard was done talking. Spock stood there, back resting against the locked door listening to James pound against it from the other side, demanding to be let in and pleading that he was sorry and that he'd be a good boy is Spock would just love him again. James pleaded with Spock not to leave him repeating his apologies over and over, sobbing. Spock heard him sink to the floor on the other side of the door as he felt a tear streak down his own cheek.

He wanted to open the door, to cradle James and tell him that it was alright, and that he was a good boy and that he loved him, but he could not. He was still reeling from what he'd experienced and was dizzy with emotions that he did not know how to handle.

It may have been James' conscious that had been sitting on Spock's lap and pleading with him, but that conscious had been and was in Jim's body. It was Jim's lust filled eyes that had burned holes into his soul, Jim's cool fingers grazing across his bare skin, under his shirts, and Jim's breath ghosting across his face and neck and lips as he begged Spock to kiss him. It had taken every ounce of Spock's control to resist and speak calmly to James and deny him, to turn away from his attempts to kiss him, but that control had faltered when he had felt Jim's hard erection press up against his own. He had barely been able to dump James onto the couch and make it to the comm.

He heard Leonard enter the room and cross to James who was still making a commotion and then the sound of a hypo being administered, followed by James quieting and then silence. He heard shuffling and knew that Leonard was attempting to carry James into the bedroom. He opened the door, and with shaky limbs closed the gap and took James from Leonard, who was struggling beneath his weight. He quickly deposited James in his bed and then left Leonard to tuck him in properly. He was sitting at his desk, discarded data PADD in hand, staring blankly at nothing in particular when Leonard re-emerged from the bedroom.

"You okay?"

"I… no… I am not," he admitted, still shaking and trying to suppress the cascade of emotions and desires coursing through his body.

"Yeah, I figured as much. I uh… brought out some of your pajamas. Come on, you're sleeping in Jim's room, I'll borrow some of his pajamas and sleep in here with James."

"I… am not tired," Spock said simply, not having any other reply and knowing that the jumbled thoughts and emotions swirling around in his head and body would not allow him to sleep.

"You will be," Leonard ensured, jamming they hypo which had been filled with multiple sedatives, into Spock's neck. Spock looked up at him in shock, but also with gratitude and allowed himself to be pulled up from the chair and through the bathroom into Jim's room.

He was awakened hours later by a faint tentative touch to his forearm and the whisper of his name in the darkness. He opened his eyes and realized that James was standing beside the bed. He jerked backwards fully awake awaiting the inevitable, but only saw James' face fall and his bottom lip tremble.

"Imma awful sorry Papa. I dint mean ta be a bad boy. I … I.. I…,' he chocked and sobbed as alligator tears spilt forth from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. Spock's heart was breaking and so was his resolve. His son was standing in front of him, disheveled and devastated and he needed to reach out and comfort him, but he was afraid to.

"James… I…" was all he could manage to say.

"You don't love me no more acuz I was bad. You lefted me an now I gotta go live wif Bones. I don wanna live wif Bones, I love you Papa, I wanna be wif you. Iamma so sorry, I dint mean to Papa, I dint mean to."

Spock could no longer deny his need to comfort James. He was reasonably sure that there would not be a repeat of the earlier evening and slowly he let himself move forward until he was close enough to reach out and envelop the sobbing man child in his arms. James melted into his embrace, sitting next to him on the bed and burying his head in Spock's shoulder. His heaving sobs and shuttered breathing lasted a few more minutes as Spock gently rocked him back and forth shushing him and telling him that he was not bad and that he did love him.

"But I … I wanted to do the naughty things with you Papa, that is bad. I am bad Papa, even if Jim says it ain't my fault."

"Jim told you that it was not your fault because it is not James. You are unable to handle the emotions and desires seeping through to you from his subconscious. They are not your desires James, they are Jim's. Do you understand?"

"Yes…no… I dunno Papa. I just don't know no more. Some days this is just too hard. I don't know if I can do it no more. It ain't just this neither, it's every stuff."

"Everystuff…. Every**thing** such as?"

"I get tired of people bein' dumb all the time and I just wanna tell them how to do it different and right and tell them what to do so they don't waste time and waste money and nobody listens to me acuz I'm just a kid and they should because I know stuff they don't know. They make dumb mistakes and if they'd just listen, if I wasn't me, if I was Jim, they would listen and everything would be fixeded."

"You desire to regain the Captaincy, so that you can ensure that your orders and suggestions are followed in order to achieve optimum efficiency."

"Yeah, what you said," James sighed. "Jim don't like it, but he gets frustermated too."

"Frustrated."

"That's what I said. Papa?"

"Yes James. "

"I'm still sorry even if it ain't my fault. You promise you still love me?"

"Do not ever question my love James. We have talked about this on numerous occasions."

"I know but… it's just sucky."

"Yes I suppose it is… sucky… as you say."

"Jim says, he's sorry too Papa, and he loves you and he wishes he could talk to you himself."

"He cannot?"

"Nuh uh. It took a whole big bunch of effort just to split off and talk to me so's I could tell you what he wanted me ta say and stuff. After that last time, it was too hard and he had ta go way deep down, and he says it's like swimming in molasses or tar or somthin' and not bein' able ta git to the surface, but he's still in there, he just can't get all the way up from the deep down so he can talk to you. Oh and he says he thinks he's bleeding. He can't not bleed can he Papa? I mean I ain't bleedin' nowhere, so what the heck is he was talkin' bout?"

"I am not quite certain, but I'm sure that he is not speaking of bleeding as you would from a cut James. I believe he is being metaphorical."

"Here you two are. You scared the crap outta me when I woke up and you were missing kiddo," Bones said from the bathroom doorway.

"Sorry Bones, I had ta poligize to my Papa an it couldn't not wait."

"You could've told me where you were going instead of sneaking out of the room."

"Nuh uh. You wouldn't have let me come if Idda don that."

"He is right Leonard."

"Yeah I know that, but he's not supposed to know that. Come on kiddo, let's get you back to bed."

"No please, I don't wanna leave my Papa. I love you Bones but I need my Papa, can't I sleep wif you Papa?"

"No James, you cannot, not this time."

There was a lot of pleading and arguing and finally James broke down crying again. Finally Bones said he had an idea and left. When he came back he had Little Spock and James' blanket with him, along with two extra pillows.

"Scoot over to the far side Spock. Jim's bed is a really big bed, it can hold all three of us okay? If I'm in the middle, then we can all sleep in Jim's bed together, but I have to be in the middle okay?"

James readily accepted this, as did Spock and the three of them crowded into the bed together. Spock and James intertwined their fingers across Leonard's chest and he heaved a sigh, wondering what he'd gotten himself into before he drifted off to sleep.


	17. In Which There Are Hickeys

**Disclaimer:** SSDD

**Warnings:** I think Bones swears or something, and there is more inappropriate slashy stuff. Also - it's going to get more confusing for a while. Bear with me.

**Author's note:** Finals are coming up and I'm behind in my ENGL 308 class – I'm burned out major. UGH. I'll try to get the next bit up soon – but I can't promise anything.

I need a vacation! Need to recharge the batteries so I can THINK and write again. Need sleep too.

Any suggestions on where to go that's not too terribly expensive? - I'm leaning towards the Oregon Coast around the beginning of June – after the 2nd of course – Must take Princess Whitelaw DVD with me after all. LOL

* * *

**In Which There Are Hickeys**

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**

Two nearly sleepless hours after the three of them had crowded into Jim's bed the comm signal started beeping. Spock hit the button, wondering momentarily why the comm in Jim's room was being accessed but realizing that whoever it was must have tried to contact him in his own quarters and gotten no answer.

"Spock here," he answered.

"Captain, this is sickbay, I'm sorry to wake you, but we've been trying to get a hold of Dr. McCoy for the last 10 minutes and can't find him. You wouldn't happen to have any idea where he is would you? "

"He is with James. I shall contact him for you. What may I say is the emergency?"

"Oh well, it's not really an emergency per se. It's just that Lieutenant Claymore came in and is presenting with symptoms that indicate he could be suffering from appendicitis and he's insisting on seeing Dr. McCoy."

"I see. I will let him know."

"Thanks Captain. Sorry again for waking you. Sickbay out."

Leonard, who had heard the entire thing, had already headed to the bathroom to get dressed. He came back in pulling his shirt over his head about 50 seconds later.

"You want me to put the kid back in the other room before I go?"

"That will not be necessary Leonard. I am far more capable of moving James myself if the need should arrive."

"I don't know how he slept through all that. Course he shouldn't have woken up at all earlier with the amount of sedative that I administered. Anyway, sorry I gotta go but Claymore is fairly OCD, especially when it comes to doctors, and won't let any of the other staff touch him. I'm sure he hasn't even let the nurses take his temperature yet and if it is appendicitis I need to get down there."

"If the Lieutenant has such mental illness, how is it that he was cleared to work aboard the Enterprise?"

"Cuz the kid's fucking brilliant is why. IQ off the charts and Scotty begged me to give him medical clearance. He sees the ships counselor regularly and wears gloves down in engineering. It's weird but as long as he can work through it, Scotty says we need him. Anyway, you gonna be okay with the kid?"

"He is practically comatose as you can clearly see. I shall be fine. Goodnight Leonard."

"Yeah, for the third time. It's a good damn thing you don't have to work in the morning. Hell it is morning. Whatever, bye."

Spock watched Leonard skulk out into the corridor and locked the door behind him before returning to the bed. James was sleeping peacefully, Little Spock clutched to his chest. Even though his sleep had once again been interrupted, Spock was glad for it. As close as he and Leonard had become over the past few months he was still not completely comfortable with being so physically close to the other man. James was a different story. His human half was so drawn to James, and to Jim, that he craved physical contact with him.

Spock had agreed to the arrangement of the three of them sharing the bed only so that he could remain in contact with James. However, once the other two had fallen asleep it became clear to Spock that his close proximity to Doctor McCoy was causing him a great deal of discomfort. In fact, had Jim been there to provide an apt description, he would have said that it was giving Spock the heebie jeebies, which it was. However, the discomfort and the loss of sleep due to that discomfort were worth it, since he had been able to remain in contact with James without fear of further repercussions.

As he stood looking down at James' sleeping form he decided that the situation was well enough in hand and it was worth the risk of climbing back into bed with him, rather than disturbing him and carrying him back into the other room to his own bed. Which was ironic, since the bed he was currently sleeping in was in truth, his own bed, and not the one they'd had installed in Spock's bedroom.

He curled around James' sleeping form molding himself around the other man's body and pulling James close to him. He felt a twinge of guilt, but the swirling clouds of emotion accosting his mind and his soul were so overwhelming, he needed the contact to calm himself. Jim had become his anchor, the embodiment of the metaphor of home, for him. In his meditations, he was no longer able to center himself on Vulcan, for it was gone, and the closest thing to the anchor of 'home' that he had left was Enterprise, and Jim.

He was far too emotionally attached and his Vulcan half felt the shame of it, but his human half, which he had grown to accept and embrace since losing his mother and his planet, this human half told his Vulcan half to fuck off and let himself be happy. This is what he did. The contact with James, who smelled and felt like Jim, calmed the turmoil that boiled inside of him.

He sighed deeply into James' neck and placed a kiss on the back of James' head and the crook of his neck before drifting back to sleep, though who he was kissing, he no longer knew. His last thought was that he hoped they resolved this situation very soon, even if it meant the loss of his James.

~ * ~

"Papa! Papa, papa…papa…papa, Papa. Papa! Papa…PAPA, papa, papa, …..papa…..papa?... papa!... Papa ,papa,……PAPA!"

"James, that is quite enough, I heard you the first time." Spock said shaking his head as he opened the bathroom door to James' smiling face. Spock was clad only in a towel, as James had started his reverie only a moment after Spock had stepped into the shower. "What seems to be the problem, I told you I was getting into the shower and you know that you are supposed to leave me alone when I am in the bathroom with the door shut."

"Yeah Papa I know, but Nyota's on the comm and says it's portant."

"I see, thank you James." Spock said simply, crossing to the desk to speak with the communications officer. When he was done he turned to inform James of the news.

"Yeah I hearded, Chris is comin' ta see me. Yay! Chris is comin, chris is comin' I get ta play wif Christopher," he sing songed as he skipped around the room.

"Yes, Admiral Pike is aboard the Endeavor and the ship will meet us in two days, and the Admiral would like to see you, however…."

"I shouldn't not oppose on his time an I hafta be good and not spect him to play less he wants to, an if he says he's tired… *sigh*… no whining..…"

"Impose not oppose, and that it quite right. I must finish my shower now, please sit down and eat your breakfast."

"I don wanna eat wifout you Papa, asides I dint replicate it."

"You were told to."

"Yeah, but I don't gotta work today and neither do you so I can get dressed and shower after breakfast can't I papa? Pweeeeeeese?"

Spock just sighed and nodded. He knew he had a penchant for giving into James too easily, but he found he just wanted to get through the day without arguments. The night had been long and interrupted, and Spock's usually dreamless sleep had been riddled with short dreams and images. Thankfully no nightmares, but the dreams had been mostly about Jim, about he and Jim, and he awoke with a longing for Jim and immediately felt guilty, knowing that having Jim would mean losing James.

While he showered he remembered the one dream that had particularly affected him. It had seemed so real. He had felt warm soft lips against his own, and Jim's scent had invaded his nostrils. He felt Jim's fingers roaming over his side and his chest, then steal their way under his shirt. He'd kissed back and pulled Jim into his arms as he felt Jim's tongue demand entrance into his hot Vulcan mouth. Jim's tongue had felt cool and wonderful against his own, and had tasted so good.

In the dream they'd kissed and touched, pressing their bodies together, making out like teenagers for quite some time. The frottage had been exceedingly pleasurable and their desire for one another had built. Spock had whispered his love, need and desire into Jim's ear, only to hear Jim say "love you too, but we better not, 's'not a good idea" before kissing him breathless once again.

He had not understood why Jim thought making love would not be a good idea, but the dream had been hazy, foggy, he could not remember the circumstances or surroundings, except that he had a vague idea that they were in the Captain's quarters, in Jim's bed. Their kissing had slowed and eventually Jim had snuggled up into him and the dream had ended. However, now that Spock thought about it, it was more like they had fallen asleep than if the dream had just ended, as if he had fallen asleep. He had awoken this morning with James curled into him in much the same manner.

He contemplated this for some time, wondering if Jim had surfaced somehow, because James was sedated, and if it had really happened. He dismissed it however, in favor of it being just a dream. It had after all had a very hazy and dreamlike quality, he hadn't been awake, or alert after all. He had however found that thinking about the dream so intensely had caused another need to 'arise' so he took care of his pressing problem before finishing with his shower. The he tried to put all thoughts of Jim out of his head before he started his day with James.

After he put his pants on and brushed his teeth he began shaving. As he shaved his neck he noticed a mark there, that hadn't been there the previous evening. The mark was faint, a small greenish bruising, much like similar marks he'd once experienced after he and Nyota had been intimate. She'd said they were called a 'hickey' and he had found he liked both giving and receiving them.

As he looked at the mark more closely he remembered that in the dream Jim had been suckling at that particular spot on his neck at one time, he also remembered reciprocating and placing his own mark on Jim at the base of Jim's neck in a very sensitive spot. It was so sensitive that it had elicited heady moans from Jim that had cause Spock to intensify his ministrations. The mark he left had been much larger than the one Jim had given him and he had punctured Jim's skin with two of his teeth. Jim had waved off his apologies telling him it was hot and plunging his tongue back into Spock's mouth.

As he looked at the mark on his own neck once more his curiosity got the better of him. He called for James who came bounding into the bathroom excitedly.

"Hey Papa, are you almostes dun acuz I'm getting' hungry? Are we still at the plant planet where Karu is getting botanical samples? Acuz he said it's pretty and tolded me 'bout a neat place for swimmin' and picnics and I was thinkin' maybe you n' me could go on a picnic just us two."

"Yes we are, and that would be enjoyable, but we should include your Bones," Spock agreed as he pulled back the collar of James' shirt to see a large purple bruise at the base of his neck, lined with two prominent tooth marks, his tooth marks. He swallowed hard and sighed. He was about to speak again when James shied away from his hand a bit.

"Ow, don't touch it, it hurts a lil bit."

"I am sorry…"

"S'okay, Bones can't not go acuz he gotsta work. Karu gave me a PADD wif directions case we was still here taday so I can get us to the right spot. Can I have peanut butter and jelly? Do you even know how ta swim? There wasn't much water on Vulcan. I can teach you, I'm good at swimmin'. Um… can you put a shirt on or something?" He finished, shifting uncomfortably. He had said everything in such rapid succession that Spock had not had an opportunity to get a word in or address the hickey on James' neck.

"James….hand me my shirt," Spock sighed, as he noticed James staring at his bare chest and stomach, and absently chew on his finger and licking his lips. He put his shirt on before continuing. "Do you know how you received this….mark…on your neck?"

"It's a hickey Papa, jeez. Anyways I thunked that was another Jim dream or somethin' even though it was weird, but then I noticed it this mornin', in the mirror," he shrugged. "I guess it wasn't just a dream.

He seemed so nonchalant about it that Spock nearly dropped the subject, not wanting to push the issue, but he needed to know exactly what had happened.

"James, was Jim able to surface during the night? Is that what happened?"

"Papa I don't know, honest. I thunked it was a dream, cept I dint know if it was my dream or Jim's dream. It was weird kinda, like I said. I…," he blushed before he continued. "I know there was some kinda naughty stuff Papa, but, it was a nice dream. I liked it. I liked it a lot," he blushed again, looking at his feet. He paused for a minute as he concentrated on how to explain.

"How exactly was it weird?" Spock prompted.

"It was weird cuz, it wasn't like when Jim is in charge and I'm in the back watchin', but it wasn't like now either, it was like bofe of us at the same time or somethin'. I dunno. I can't splain it no better. Can we eat now? I just want cereal cuz I ated a banana already cuz you was takin' too long."

"I… yes James, let's go eat breakfast." Spock didn't know what else to say. James' explanation left him more confused than he had been before, and more than a little unsettled. He could not help but feel that he had crossed a line and done something he should not have with James, but James did not seem adversely affected by it, so he did not know what to do. Finally he decided it would be best to get through the day, and discuss it with Leonard later.

He knew that Leonard's suggestion would be that James come and stay with him for the time being, and Spock knew that if he approached Leonard with it now, he would insist on his leaving James with him right now rather than later. He had already promised James his picnic, and despite his confusion and inner emotional turmoil, he was not ready to be separated from James just yet. They would have their picnic first, and then he would allow Leonard to do what he must if it was the only solution.


	18. In Which Jim Starts to Come Around

**Disclaimer: **SSDD

**Warnings: **Language, confusion, some sexytimes - but not graphically depicted.

**Author's note: **So it's pretty confusion at the beginning here - I hope I adequately explained why. This went a whole different direction than I intended but then again, that always happens to me. I would explain but that would entail spoilers... lol. Let me know what you think. I'm still unsure about it, but sure enough to just 'go with it'.

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In Which Jim Starts Coming Around

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Spock attended to some morning duties such as signing off on various orders, checking the science labs, and checking in with the bridge. He then informed Hikaru, who was in charge of the botanical sciences expedition crew, that he and James would be coming down to the planet for a picnic in the early afternoon.

"I was hoping James would be able to talk you into it Captain. It really is beautiful down here. It would be a shame to have missed seeing it. We'll be done here by tomorrow afternoon and then we'll be en route to meet up with Endeavor."

"Yes Lieutenant Sulu, I had taken that into consideration when granting James' request. He has expressed a desire to swim in the Lagoon you told him about. You are quite sure it is safe?"

"Yep, I'm sure, or I wouldn't have suggested it to James. We tested the water for purity the first day. Ensign Chekov and I went swimming there yesterday evening after our shifts. The water's great, kind of warm. Jim's a great swimmer too so James should be as well. He seems to retain all of Jim's abilities like that. I outlined on the data PADD I gave him where all of the deep and shallow areas are. It'll be fine. The doc goin' with you?"

"He is not. He had a patient in the middle of the night to attend to and has been on duty since then. His shift is not over until later this afternoon."

"Lemme guess. You could have asked him but James doesn't want his cranky ass ruining his fun?"

"Something like that. He did not say those particular words, but the sentiment was conveyed nonetheless. I did not disagree."

"Nice, you crack me up sometimes Captain. Anyway, we'll watch for you guys. It's quite a trek to the Lagoon but it's worth it. The work crew has moved on to a different section and I have to approve any recreational requests from other crew with time off today. I'll make sure you guys have the place to yourselves while you're down here. See you in a bit, Sulu out."

"Captain Spock out."

"Was that Karu?"

"Yes it was, we should get ourselves ready to go. Would you like to replicate our lunches or get them from the commissary?"

"I already got everything ordered from the comsary. I'll go get it, you get our towels and stuff. I'm just gonna wear my suit wif a t-shirt over it. I'll dry off on the walk back. Oh and get a big blanket. But not my blankie…um… an don't tell Little Spock where we're goin'. I tuckted him in for a nap on the bed acuz I don't wanna take him wif this time."

"You take him everywhere with you, even to work. Do you not think he would enjoy a picnic?" Spock inquired of a slightly guilty looking James.

"Yeah, maybe, I dunno. I just don't wanna take him this time. It might be dirty and stuff, and he can't not swim and… and… I just don't want to okay?"

"It is fine with me James. The decision is yours." Spock found it odd that James would leave his 'bestest friend' other than himself or Dr. McCoy, behind and not include him in the outing, but it would be dirty. He supposed James had his reasons. He went into the bedroom and saw that James had indeed tucked the bear in very nicely for a nap. It was quite cute. He quickly changed into his own swimming trunks and a t-shirt, though he was quite unsure about swimming, he felt it would be better to be prepared and did not want to have to change clothing while on the planet.

He knew and had learned the basics of swimming at the academy, but had not engaged in recreational swimming at all. However he had been proficient and assumed that there must be some enjoyment to the activity. He felt he would probably try if only because he was protective of James and did not want him swimming alone.

He gathered towels from the bathroom and placed them in a bag with handles and then grabbed a blanket that was currently not being used, from Jim's quarters. It seemed large enough to host a picnic on. He also added sunscreen to the bag, and a small first aid kit, just in case. He ensured that there were Harry Potter band-aids in the kit before packing it. He rounded up a few more items ensuring that he had his comm badge and communicator with him as well as he and James' locator beacons just in case they needed to be beamed back aboard quickly. He had just finished packing when James came back in with a picnic hamper, loaded to the brim.

James went into the bathroom and changed quickly and then they headed down to the transporter room. James was chattering excitedly the entire way, explaining that Hikaru had told him about all kinds of neat plants and flowers and things that they would see on the planet.

"Are you quite certain you do not want to invite Leonard?" Spock asked as they entered main transporting. "He may feel hurt that you did not ask."

"I askded already, just to make sure he dint get his feelings hurt. He said he was too tired and that Claymore guy wasn't doin' too good after his surgry acuz he had a lergic reaction to the stetic so he hadta stay anyways."

"Still, it was nice of you to ask," Spock praised as they stepped onto the transporter pad. Mr. Scott was already there and had there coordinates punched in.

"Thanks Papa. I try ta do the right things like you teach me, like bein' constiderdate and stuff."

"Considerate."

"That's what I said. Beam us down Scotty!"

"Aye, sir," Scott said with a wink and a salute. "Energizing."

Familiar swirling lights surrounded them and an equally familiar tug was felt in each of their stomachs as they were transported to the surface where they were greeted by Hikaru Sulu and several members of the botanical sciences department.

"I still don't know what a pilot is doing heading a science department." James said chuckling and clasping Hikaru's forearm with his own in much the same manner that Jim used to do when he was greeting the helmsman. Hikaru seemed a little taken aback as well but accepted the familiar gesture as he shot a puzzled look at Spock who gave him an eyebrow shrug.

"Yeah, well I can multitask with the best of 'em right?"

"Heck yeah. How's it going down here anyway? Did you find those medicinal plants you were looking for?"

"Um… yes as a matter of fact we did….sir?" Hikaru was completely baffled because he could not tell who he was talking to, and Spock was not helping.

"I'm not a sir Hikaru. I'm just me, Spock's the sir. Hey, I brung you a grapple. Commisary had 'em in the salad bar and I knowed you like 'em."

"Oh, hey, that's…great…James? Um… thanks," Hikaru said as James sat the picnic hamper down and started rummaging through it. Hikaru took the opportunity to pull Spock to the side. "What the hell is going on with him? I could have sworn that was Jim just now," he whispered.

"I do not know. I am as stunned as you are, but I agree, it did sound like Jim momentarily. Given his odd behavior the last two or three days and the fact that Admiral Pike is due to visit, I believe it would be prudent to step up our game as it were with our investigation."

"Agreed. Look I have to be down here to supervise for the rest of the day but I can get Mills to take over the remainder tomorrow and I can put in some time tonight as well. If you can find a replacement for Pavel on the bridge tomorrow it would really help."

"Consider it done." Spock said quickly as James appeared, grapple in one hand, picnic hamper in the other with the data PADD balanced on top of it.

"Hey thanks Jimmy. I appreciate it. You guys have fun and don't drown."

"Funny. I'll try not to. See ya, come on.. uh… Papa," James/Jim said with a wink and an unsure eyebrow furrow. He got a funny look on his face and then proceeded to read the data PADD and dance his usual childish jig down the path as he whistled a tune from the Sesame Street program he'd been watching lately.

"I don't know what you're getting yourself into," Hikaru said to Spock as he was leaving to follow James, "but good luck."

"I believe I will need it Lieutenant."

It took about a half an hour for them to hike to the Lagoon area with its grassy shore. The hike itself had been perplexing. One minute James would be chattering away and remarking on a cool looking flower or bird like creature, or a really big neat plant or tree, or the colors of the tree bark. Purple and blue were not usual bark colors on Earth after all.

In the next moment he'd slow his erratic gate to a steady rhythm, with a bit of a swagger to it and cock his head and look at Spock and wink before saying something simplistic like "wow, it really is beautiful down here, Hikaru was right about that, but it's still not as beautiful as you are Spock,"' and give Spock a wink before continuing on down the path whistling or humming a tune that Jim had preferred. When these moments occurred, the speech patterns and inflections that James usually used were gone. His pronunciations were uninhibited and his observations were quite keen and bordered on scientific.

It was not unlike riding a roller coaster or playing with a yo-yo. It was perhaps likened to watching a Newton's cradle device. Spock had wanted to inquire as to what was going on, and address Jim directly on several occasions, but the moments were so fleeting that he did not seem to have a chance. Each time he was about to speak, Jim/James' mannerisms would abruptly change. At times he seemed as though he were neither Jim, nor James, but a teenage version of the two of them. He was cocky and juvenile with all of Jim's muster and attitude, but immature without being childlike.

By the time they arrived at the Lagoon Spock was so confused that he considered contacting the ship and having them beamed directly to the Ship's counselor's office or to sickbay. Jim/James' level of multiple personalities was borderline frightening and more than a bit concerning. However, one look at James' delighted face when he saw the Lagoon and the grassy picnic area melted his reserve. He resolved to get through the lunch and the outing as quickly as James would allow, and then go to sickbay immediately upon their return.

They spread out the blanket and sat down to eat and it became obvious that it was James with whom he was sharing his meal. He tried to make several inquiries about James' odd behavior on their hike to the Lagoon but got nowhere. James evaded every question with the skill Hikaru used to evade enemy fire during battle.

Once the food was spread out and divided, Spock observed that the peanut butter and jelly sandwich James had requested was absent from the feast spread before them. In fact the meal seemed quite sophisticated for James' palette and was filled with things that Jim had loved, but James had previously pronounce, icky or yuck, and would not eat or even try. Spock noted that along with their bottles of water, there was also a bottle of wine in the basket.

"James, I thought you wanted peanut butter and jelly?" Spock carefully inquired.

"Changed my mind. You an my Bones keep tellin' me I should ought to try new things right?"

"On many occasions we have stated just that. What made you decide to comply today?"

"Don't know. I just thunked I wanted somthin' different for a change. Asides, this stuff sounded good taday."

"I see, and why did you decided to include a bottle of wine with our picnic."

"I just thought it might be nice Spock. A glass of wine on occasion is good for the heart you know." James said, stretching out beside Spock and shooting him a very soft and thoughtful gaze. "Hey, you're not eating. Dontcha like what I packed you?"

"It is fine, wonderful in fact. You remembered to include all of my favorites, even plomeek soup. I am just, preoccupied. I apologize."

"S'okay. I get it. Um… I kinda need to talk to you about somthin' that happened at work yesterday. You know, affore I, did the bad thing."

"James, we talked about this, you did nothing bad."

"Yeah yeah, I know, the bleeding stuff, anyway I uh, kinda yelled at the IT guys and stuff and I thought they was gonna be mad but then they weren't and they said a lot of stuff about Jim bein' Captain, but I thunked you better know in case they really was mad and they told on me acuz I don't want you to be mad at me."

"What bleeding are you referring to and why did you yell at the crew members in IT?"

"You know, what Jim said about the bleeding, you said it was metaforcle."

"Metaphorical. "

"That's what I said. Anyway it wasn't. He meant he's bleeding through, his persnalty and anyways yesterday at work I guess was kinda like that acuz it was more like he was yellin' and not me, but it was me, see?"

"I… perhaps. Explain to me what happened."

"Well, you know how I said they make me mad sometimes acuz they are doin' stuff all wrong and they don't listen ta me when I tell em how they could do it better?"

"I remember very well."

"Well I left out the part where I shoulda told you that I couldn't take it no more and I yelled. Or Jim did, I dunno, he got real frustermated."

"Frustrated."

"That's what I said. Anyways the way they was doin things, it was wasting 'valuable time and resources' and I'd tried a bunch of times to show 'em how ta do it better but they just said stuff like, 'hey thanks kid' but they wasn't really listenin'. So yesterday the IT director comed down and started splainin' how they was gonna implement this new system, only it was bad Spock, real bad. It was all backwards of how it shoulda been and all they had ta do was change a few simple things to make the backups run more fissiently and the updates be automated and shipwide instead of bein' done by hand by remote accessing every department separately.

He just kept goin on and on about how this was gonna be so much better and finally I just took his PADD and took over. I told 'em it wasn't gonna be better it was going to cost us a lot of time and resources that could be allocated to other more important projects and I wasn't going to stand for it anymore. I put the schematics up on the big screen and showed them how to reroute the subroutines for the updates to make them entirely automated and shipwide just by rewriting a few fundamental algorithms to the Data Core and that the backups would be just as easy and everything would be handled all at once with no loss of man hours.

When I got done lecturing they all just kinda stared at me. So I kept going. I went back and detailed everything they could be handling more efficiently that I'd noted in my own data PADD and showed the a whole bunch of different ways of improving efficiency and rewrote a bunch of codes and algorithms for them and by the end of the day….well… they were all calling me Jim and Captain and sir and stuff and I tried to tell 'em I wasn't him but they just kept saying that they I was him and I needed to be him and that they needed me to be him cuz they need Jim and they needed Jim to be Captain again and that the whole ship was lost without him. They said they loved and respected you and would follow you to the ends of the universe and back rather than leave Enterprise but, they still wanted Jim back, they want Jim to be Captain again.

Then I started yellin' and I told 'em all them things Jim told you about how everybody transferred off the ship and nobody new was getting' cruited and that it must mean that Jim's a sucky Captain. You know what they said Spock?"

Spock had listened to all of this with a great deal of interest. James had fluctuated between his own speech patterns and what were obviously Jim's speech patterns and mannerisms during the entire explanations. It was truly a manifestation of Jim's personality bleeding through without actually taking over. Spock found it fascinating to say the least, and the fact that the IT department had picked up on the very problem that Spock and the senior officers and bridge crew were currently working to resolve was fascinating as well. Taking all of this in he found that he was very interested in hearing what the IT crew members had to say about Jim's self-doubt and opinion that he should not be the Captain.

"No I do not. What did they say?" he replied quickly and earnestly.

"They said all that stuff was a bunch of ….well they said bullshit….sorry, but that's what they said. They said that we didn't have no cruits cuz nobody was graduatin' with high nuff scores and acuz our standards are higher on Enterprise, and then they said that those people that transferred off were a bunch of flaming idiots. They either couldn't hack it cuz they weren't smart nuff to work with Scotty or they were scared of goin' on away missions cuz they knew they didn't have adequate training, or they just felt dumb acuz everybody on the Enterprise is the best of the best. Then there was some people that wanted promotions real bad but you gotta go on other ships for some of the promotions cuz our high ranking officers ain't goin' nowhere cuz nobody who's smart wants to leave Enterprise."

"I believe all of those things to be true James." Spock said, agreeing with the IT crew member's assessment. "Several of us are looking into the validity of statements like those and trying to gather data and facts to prove just that as we speak. We would like the opportunity to present the data to Jim, to prove to him that he is not only a good Captain, loved and respected by his crew, but is indeed the best Captain in Starfleet, and is very much wanted and needed by his ship and crew."

"Yeah, he's startin' to get that. He don't gree wif it all but some of what they said maked sense."

"Is that why he is bleeding through so much more today? Is that also why you were so sullen and silent yesterday evening after your shift, and why you could not handle his thoughts and desires last night after your bath?"

"I dunno, maybe, probly. But Spock, he still don't wanna be Captain, on account of people dying. He just wants to maybe be head of IT or something and be a ocifer aboard Enterprise but not be Captain."

"I can understand his viewpoint James, but he must understand mine, and everyone else's as well. Resigning the captaincy and taking a lower ranking position via self-demotion is unacceptable. To do so would be, as the saying goes, taking the easy way out. He would be allowing himself to run away from his problems without facing them.

James T. Kirk is a lot of things, but a coward is not one of them. His place aboard Enterprise is on the Bridge, in the Captain's chair. That is where his unique skills and abilities to think far outside the confines of 'the box' , his original thinking, his abilities to leap without looking and see things in ways that others don't, or won't see them, are needed and will best serve the Enterprise and her crew. Anything less, would be the ultimate waste of manpower, efficiency and the best resource in all of Starfleet."

Spock said all of this not just to James, but to Jim as well, putting all of the emotion he could into the statement for emphasis, since there was no one else around to witness it. He had looked deeply into James' eyes and held his hand so that he could telepathically transmit that what he was saying was the ultimate truth and must be listened too. He only hoped that what he was sending was being received.

James took it all in and was very silent for a while. He simply nodded and looked at Spock thoughtfully. He lay back on the blanket with his arms behind his head and seemed to be lost in thought as he watched the fluffy clouds, so much like Earth's, floating in the periwinkle sky above. Spock simply watched him and then began putting the remnants of their lunch away. He was about to ask if James was ready to leave when the other man finally looked at him again.

"Thanks, I think I needed to hear that. I'm not convinced yet but, you made a good point."

"Jim?"

"Mostly…I guess. I dunno. I just don't know anymore," he said, picking up the data PADD and thumbing through the view screens. Then he abruptly stood, shed his shirt, having already kicked off his shoes earlier, and headed for the rocky cliff from which the waterfall was flowing. He scaled it in only minutes and did a perfect swan dive off the top of the waterfall into the deepest part of the Lagoon below, while Spock watched in awe. He was below the surface so long that Spock became concerned and walked to the edge of the water. Just then he shot up, breaking the surface of the water, much closer to the shore than Spock thought he would be.

"Man the water's great. Get in here. It's almost warm. Not quite, but definitely not cold. You'll love it, come on."

Spock simply cocked his head to the side in a familiar shrug, shed his shirt and waded in. He was still unsure what to think as he approached the deeper water, and the bright white smile of his T'hy'la, who winked at him and dove back under the water just as he was getting close. He emerged many feet away, causing Spock to have to swim after him.

Just as Spock was about to reach him, Jim pulled the same maneuver, this time staying above the surface and turning to stick his tongue out at Spock as he swum away. Spock took this as a challenge and increased the speed with which he pursued his prey. Jim was a far more skilled swimmer however and always managed to stay a few strokes ahead of the Vulcan. Soon Jim was laughing merrily and Spock was grinning fiercely. They splashed each other and when Jim finally allowed the Vulcan to catch him they began wrestling and playing a wild game of dunking tag as if they were teenagers.

Spock's confusion was still very much present but he was tired of battling it. He had inquired several more times to whom he was talking and swimming with, whether it was Jim or James, or some other version. Jim had answered him and stated that it was him, for the time being, at least mostly, and that the mostly part was complicated, and he had asked Spock to just relax and 'go with it'. Spock had decided to 'go with it' and enjoy whatever time with Jim he could get, in whatever manner he was allowed. He let go of his reservations and pushed his confusion to the back of his mind and concentrated on the gorgeous man in front of him with whom he was enjoying very pleasant and playful interactions. He got so wrapped up in the interactions that by the time they had begun wrestling and dunking each other, he felt happier, and freer than he could ever remember feeling.

"Woah, hey, was that a laugh? Vulcans don't laugh," Jim said grinning like a Cheshire cat and catching Spock's hand to pull him in closer as they both tread water, nearly out of breath."

"I assure you that it was most certainly not a laugh."

"A chuckle?"

"Of course not," Spock's mouth said, but his sparkling eyes and the smirk on his lips betrayed him.

"I don't believe you Mr. Spock. I'm afraid you are going to have to pay the penalty for lying to your former Captain."

"I am now the Captain. I can lie to whomever I choose."

"Ah ha caught you. What happened to Vulcan's don't lie?" Jim teased, treading closer to the Vulcan and gazing at him lasciviously with his piercing blue eyes.

"I am half human. I do what I want," the Vulcan teased back, his own gaze just as full of desire.

"Oh do you now? And what exactly is it that you want to do right now?" Jim asked, wrapping his arms around the teasing Captain.

"Enlighten me on just what the penalty for lying would be,"Spock challenged, wrapping his own arms around Jim and caressing his back.

"Kissing the former Captain of course."

"Then I believe I should like to pay the penalty for lying, sir."

"Hey now with the sir crap," Jim whispered huskily as he closed the gap between them to capture Spock's mouth with his own. Their legs and bodies intertwined as they both became lost in the kiss, but staying above the water soon became an issue, so Jim pulled them backwards towards the shore, never allowing the kiss to be completely broken. Finally they hit shallower water where they were able to touch the bottom and didn't have to struggle to stay above the surface.

Their half-naked bodies pressed together in the lukewarm water as hands and fingers roamed everywhere at once. Their tongues joined in a familiar dance and soon Spock found himself kissing his way over Jim's jaw, stopping to nibble at his earlobe and blow into his ear, which elicited a delicious moan from the man, before continuing down his neck. He had just about reached the base of Jim's neck and was suckling and nipping with his teeth as he went, when Jim pulled back with a little grin and stopped him.

"I already have a huge honkin' hickey there thanks to you, I don't need another one," he winked.

"Are you quite sure? I am not adverse to giving you a matching set," the Vulcan teased darting quickly to the other side of Jim's head to latch on to the base of his neck there.

"Hey, knock it off or you're gonna get it." Jim warned and propelled himself backward through the water.

"What exactly am I going to get, and how do you propose to give it to me?" Spock immediately volleyed back at Jim and he pursued him through the water once again.

"Ooooh, feisty today aren't we?" Jim said waggling his eyebrows in a facetious and lust filled manner. "I'll give it to you any way you want Mr. Spock. Any. Way. You . Want."

"You are not providing me with any valid reason to, as you said, 'knock it off' Jim, you are only making me want to knock it on."

"That's not even a phrase you…" Jim's words were cut short as the swift Vulcan caught him once again and crushed their mouths together in a searing kiss that took both their breaths away. They were quite near the shore and the grassy area by that time and when they finally broke apart Jim took Spock by the hand and led him out of the water and onto the blanket where they collapsed to the ground completely entwined in one another's embrace. Their kissing and fondling of each other intensified, as did their need for one another and finally Jim tore himself away from Spock panting and breathless.

"Stop, stop."

"You do not wish to…"

"Yes I wish to very much, just give me a minute," he said rummaging through the bag with their towels until he found the communicator he was looking for. "Kirk to Sulu."

"Uh… Sulu… here? What's up…Jay..mes?" this tentative response made Jim chuckle before he continued.

"Hey, um.. is the entire landing party and botanical sciences crew down there in that section for sure?"

"Yeah why?"

"And you don't need any more samples from up here by the Lagoon?"

"No, I told you already, we're done there, everybody is down here."

"Present and accounted for? No stragglers?"

"Yes they're all here and no, no stragglers, I can see everybody from where I'm standing, why?"

"Just, you know, curious. Can't a guy be curious?"

"Uh huh. Sure. Is, uh, that all you wanted?"

" Well no, not entirely. Um… is there anybody else down here from Enterprise, you know, recreational use of the planet and whatnot? I mean I know you said you are approving where everyone can and can't go, and that we'd have the Lagoon all to ourselves, but, you know, people wander…"

Sulu started chuckling as well at this point, and had obviously caught on to the fact that yes, he was indeed talking to Jim, and what exactly Jim was getting at.

"There's nobody else down here Jim. No indigenous life forms other than birds and small animals. I only had two inquiries and both sets wanted to go to the Lagoon so I denied the requests until you guys were done. You're alone, and nobody is going to bother you, or interrupt, or walk in on whatever it is you're doing. By the way, it's good to hear your voice, not that it wasn't your voice before, it's just, well you know what I'm saying. Anyway, tell Spock he's a pervert and a pedophile"

"He is not! Shut the fuck up before I come down there and kick your ass. He's still the Captain you know. He can have you put in the brig for insubordination for that crack."

"Um… A – if you come down here and kick my ass, you won't get to do whatever it is you seem to need to make sure you have privacy to do, B – no he can't because I didn't say it to him, I said it to you, and C – yes he is, you've been his… his… KID… for all intents and purposes for the last few months…. Which makes whatever you're about to do..."

"I said shut the fuck up Hikaru, I never said we were doing shit. Maybe I just wanna skinny dip or something okay?" Jim yelled laughing again, missing this banter with his friend.

"Yeah right. Whatever dude. I'm shutting up now. Hey, Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"It's good to have you back man."

"I'm not back to stay, but thanks man. Kirk out."

"Damn…, okay fine. Sulu out."

"He sounded very disappointed that you are not here to stay Jim." Spock tried.

"He'll get over it. Come here you." Jim simply stated, attacking the Vulcan once gain and swiftly removing said Vulcan from his swimming trunks. Spock reciprocated and they made love, kissed and explored each other's bodies, and then made love again under the periwinkle sky and finally fell asleep in each other's arms afterward. They were awakened some time later by a harsh voice emitting from the communicator.

"Hey, where the hell are you two? You were supposed to be back a couple hours ago. Is James alright? Answer me god dammit or I'm beaming down there right now!"

Spock was startled not only by Leonard's tone, but by how long they had slept. He and Jim were still naked and wrapped up in each other's arms, and he suddenly realized that he was unsure if the man in his arms was still Jim. Embarrassed and concerned by that thought he tore away from Jim with lightning speed and grabbed the communicator.

"Leonard we are fine. Do not worry, we simply fell asleep after our swim. We will be back aboard shortly," Spock assured the doctor, looking tentatively and nervously in Jim's direction. Jim just grinned at him and moved up behind Spock, kissed Spock's neck gently and wrapped his arms around the warm Vulcan.

"It's still me love," he whispered into Spock's ear, "not sure how or why, but it's still me."

"He better not have a sunburn!" Leonard's voice issued from the communicator. Jim grabbed it from Spock.

"I'm fine, quit bitching. Shouldn't you be asleep or something?"

"I… no, I'll just go to bed early. You uh… you sound funny kiddo."

"I sound fine. You on the other hand sound like a cranky asshole. Have a glass of bourbon and keep your pants on, we'll be back in a bit."

"Holy… Jim! What the hell?"

"Don't get all hot and bothered. I ain't stayin'. Well, maybe for dinner, but I don't think I can hold on much longer than that. I'll see you in a few Bones."

"Yeah, yeah okay. I'll uh, meet you guys in your quarters in 30,that okay? I'll want to run scans Jim."

"I'm well aware. Thirty sounds fine. Kirk out."

He didn't wait for Leonard's response he just shut the communicator and tossed it back in the bag, then returned his attention to Spock.

"Hi beautiful."

"Hello. I do not wish to sound ungrateful, but how is it that you are still with me T'hy'la?"

"Don't know, but it is harder now than it was before. Much harder actually, which is why I told Bones I didn't think I'd make it past dinner. I guess it comes down to the fact that I'm beginning to see things your way. I understand your point of view, and you and the IT crew made some very valid points. I miss being in charge, it's just, as valid as your points were, they aren't proof Spock. I need proof. Proof that the numbers weren't my fault. Proof that the deaths weren't preventable. Proof that I really do belong in that chair. Until I have proof, I don't know if I can accept it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I do. I believe that you have been able to surface for longer because you are on the verge of changing your mind about abandoning the captaincy. I hope that is the case. Perhaps you will be able to come back to us, to me, when we are able to give you that proof."

They talked for a while longer, then dressed and packed up their belongings before hiking back to the landing party and the beaming coordinates. They could have had Scotty beam them directly from the Lagoon, but after their activities and falling asleep on the ground, they had both wanted to stretch their legs and enjoy a little more fresh air before beaming back aboard the ship.

Jim greeted a very happy Hikaru who was done with his duties by that point and beamed back aboard the ship with them. Scotty was in the transporter room and was equally excited to see that it was Jim who was standing in his transporter room greeting him. They agreed to have the senior staff have dinner together in Jim's quarters, so Hikaru and Scotty left to round up Pavel and Nyota. Finally Jim couldn't put off the inevitable so he and Spock went to their quarters to wait for Leonard and deal with facing Leonard's wrath, and his tricorder.

* * *

**A/N: **Okay so I didn't originally intend on having Jim come fully forward in this - but as I was writing it, that seemed more prudent than having him keep yo-yoing. Hope the title didn't spoil anything.

What do you think? Did it work or was it still confusing? Oh and - I know I'll get dinged on this so let me just address it. I am WELL AWARE of how OOC Spock was in this Chapter. I'm sorry if some of you take offense to that, I just... I just wanted him to have some fun for a change. Sorry ;)


	19. Of Consultations and Comfirmations

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them - I just take creative liberties with them in my spare time.

**Warnings: ** Language, Adult Themes, K/S, etc.

**Author's Note: **First of all I am SOOOO Sorry that this update has taken so long. I've had huge huge issues to deal with in real life with my family. I've had very little time to write, and every time I did sit down and try to write this chapter, it just seemed to fall short and not be on par with the rest of the story. I blame the stress. Anyway - thank you all for continuing to review and favorite and alert.

I especially want to send a shout out to **"Gabby"** for your loyal reading and reviews this summer. I wanted to send you a PM and thank you - but you signed in anonymously - so I couldn't :( - but know that I really appreciate your support and kind words. They kept me going and kept me trying even when I felt like I was out of steam.

As for the chapter - like I said - sorry it took so long - I can only hope - that after all this time - it makes sense and fits in with the rest of the story. Also - I would really really appreciate it if you guys could point out any inconsistancies - or places where it doesn't flow etc. I wrote it in a very choppy fashion - a bit here, a bit there, a bit three weeks later, a bit three weeks after that... etc. So I worry that it shows. Let me know if I've made any grievous errors as far as the story line goes - so I can go back and fix them.

Thanks so much and I hope you enjoy.

As always - please review so that my inspiration will continue and we can finish up this little journey we've been taking together.

Love to you all.

T'Pinto

* * *

By the time Leonard got done scanning and bitching Jim's head was pounding. Spock's presence and the light touches to his back and shoulder helped, but didn't completely alleviate the growing pain. He absent mindedly pinched the bridge of his nose and was instantly treated to a sharp pain in his neck.

"God dammit Bones, stop that!"

"Do you or do you not want to have a headache free dinner?"

"I'm not sure that's possible even with the hypo. You know, you are really gentle with James when he has to have a shot. Why is that?" Jim questioned.

"He's a kid, that's different."

"He's me. It's my body."

"He ain't you. Not by a long shot. He's nice to me." Leonard admitted.

"Oh for cryin' out loud. I give up. Why is it so much to ask for you to just be gentler with the damn hypos and not jam them into my neck so forcefully?"

"I happen to derive great pleasure out of tormenting you. Deal with it."

"Sadist."

"Narcissist."

"Sociopath."

"Egotist."

"Admit it, you miss me." Jim teased.

"I admit nothing, even if it is true."

Spock sat back silently observing the banter between his friends, knowing that it was a vital and necessary part of their friendship. He did not entirely understand their need to be seemingly spiteful toward one another, but he knew that what they said was somehow said in kindness and in jest, despite the contradictory nature of the words used.

One by one Scotty, the senior bridge crew members and Kevin Riley filtered in and they decided to move their private dinner to the conference room where there was a bigger table. Spock had put in a special request to the commissary to prepare a non-replicated meal for them, which was promptly served just after they arrived in the conference room.

All of them were glad to be able to spend some time with Jim, but an awkwardness hung over the room like a thick layer of fog, threatening to descend. Not only were they all thinking about James, and the fact that he would cease to exist once they convinced Jim to come back to them permanently, but they were all wondering if they should breach the subject about Jim regaining the captaincy before they'd completed their investigation into his absurd claims. Ultimately an awkward silence settled among them as each of them shot each other tentative looks around the table. Finally Scotty dared to break the silence.

"You know, as Chief Engineer the head of IT hasta report ta me. Normally I let him do as he pleases and jest forward reports ta me once a month, unless there's sumthin unusual goin on that I need ta know about, like that glitch a couple months back that apparently James fixed from the good Doctor's console. Anaway, my point is, I had a very intresting conversation with 'im this mornin'. Seems James had himself quite a day at work yesterday."

Jim flushed and silently continued eating, pretending he hadn't heard a word Scotty had said.

"I am aware of the events of which you speak Mr. Scott, and it was indeed interesting. Perhaps you should share the story." Spock prompted when Jim continued to ignore Scotty, who was looking at him very pointedly.

"Right then. Well you see it all started with a new efficiency program that as it turns out, wuzn't that efficient, and it ended with our lil buddy over there goin' all James Tiberius Kirk on tha whole lot o' them."

"So wait," Sulu interjected looking at Jim. "You were here yesterday too and didn't say anything?"

"Not exactly…"Jim said, staring at his food and not offering any more information.

Between Scotty and Spock the story was reiterated. Everyone listened intently, sharing knowing looks all around, each wondering if they should confront their former Captain while he was there with them rather than waiting until they could prove to him that he was wrong about his assumptions. Jim sat stoically, pushing his food around his plate with his fork and offering nothing to the ensuing conversation. When the story was done no one seemed to know just what to say to Jim. Finally Pavel spoke up.

"Keptin, it is obvious to us zat you are missing command wery much…"

"I'm not the Captain Pavel, Spock is, so don't call me that."

"Okay, Jim zen, but zat does not change ze fact zat you are missing ze Captaincy as much as we are missing you being ze Keptin, meaning no offense to Meester Spock."

"None taken Ensign. He is right Jim. You are well aware of my feelings on the matter."

"Yeah, I am, and I really don't want to hear it again. Look, I know you guys mean well, and for what it's worth, Spock and the IT crew made some very good points both yesterday and today. I heard them and I'm really trying to see things from a different perspective, I'm just….it's just….I need more time okay? I just need more time." Jim stumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose with his eyes squeezed tight as he finished.

"Jim if you need more time, we'll give it to you, just promise us that you'll really think about it, and when we are ready to bring this up again, that you'll listen to what we have to say with an open mind." Kevin pleaded.

"I will, I'll listen, I just can't guarantee that any of you is going to change my mind. I'm sorry but… that's the um… best… I can do…I….gaahh…"

Leonard and Spock were suddenly beside him. He'd struggled with those last few words and it was obvious that the headache was overpowering him at that point, which meant that it was becoming too hard for him to retain control. He groaned in pain again despite the Hypo that Leonard administered, clutching his head. He tried to stand but it caused him to scream out and double over. He collapsed on the floor immediately rolling into a ball rocking back and forth.

"We're going to have to get him to sickbay, there's nothing else I can do for him in here." Leonard declared.

Spock knelt down and swiftly picked him up and the entire assemblage paraded through the corridors to sickbay receiving worried glances from every crew member they passed. Scotty and Hikaru tried to assure everyone that Jim was okay as they went, but no one seemed to believe them. Mr. Scott did his best to order everyone gently to return to their duties, promising to make a ship wide announcement once Jim/James was stable.

It only took about 10 minutes for them to start seeing a change once they got him to sickbay and Leonard was able to administer alternative treatments. His body relaxed and soon, long fluttering eyelashes began to bat against flushed cheeks revealing glimpses of the cerulean pools that lie beneath.

"Papa? It hurts me Papa…" James' familiar cadence resounded through the room as James rubbed his head and stuck out his bottom lip.

"I know kiddo. I know it hurts but I can't give you any more pain medication right now." Leonard soothed, rubbing James' back tenderly.

"How cuz Bones?"

"Because I've already given you more medication than I should have. In fact, you should be unconscious right now, or Jim should. Maybe he is. Anyway, I'm right here and so is your Papa. All your friends are here and we're going to take good care of you, aren't we?

There was a rippling agreement through the room, though the group was sharing bittersweet glances. It was clear that the entire collective was confused about what they should be feeling. Elation that James was back, or disappointment that Jim was gone again? Both? Neither? No one knew.

Spock had stepped forward and was holding James' hand and murmuring softly to him in Vulcan, a ritual of theirs whenever James had been hurt while playing over the past few months. It seemed to sooth him for the time being and he nodded in agreement to something that Spock asked.

Spock touched his fingers to James' meld points and repeated the familiar refrain that would connect their minds. Through their link he helped to lessen the degree of James' pain and make it easier for him to deal with what remained. He also confirmed for himself and later the audience that Jim was indeed unconscious but fine for the time being.

James was exhausted, so Spock took him back to their quarters and tucked him in. Christine had agreed to stay with him so that a meeting could be reconvened in the conference room. Once everyone was re-assembled they quickly agreed to go a step further and recruit more help since it seemed that the story of James' confrontation with the IT crew had already made its rounds through the ship. Crew members all over the ship had been questioning Scotty and Lietenant Hoffman, the director of IT, all day. Some had even been questioning Kevin, Nyota and Pavel about what was really going on with James, whether or not Jim was coming back, and what they could do to help.

Their primary concern in the inception of the investigation was keeping the information about Jim's encounter with the DTI Temporal agents from Starfleet for as long as possible. At this point even if Star Fleet became apprised of the situation, it would take long enough to transport Jim to Starfleet Headquarters that they had time to do what they needed to do either way. The more help they had, the easier accomplishing their ultimate goal of convincing Jim to come back permanently and embrace his commission as Captain of the Enterprise would be.

They called every single department head on board the Enterprise as well as any other key member of Jim's staff. All available bridge crew members from every shift who weren't currently on duty were assembled as well and everyone was filled in on exactly what was going on, which took some doing. Fortunately they had several theoretical physicists among the crew members present, which helped immensely with explanation and acceptance of the information.

Within three hours they had one job completed. Pavel had shared the chatroom transcripts with the IT department and they'd been able to determine without a doubt that the three main screen names that Jim had been chatting with and gleaning his information from were not who they appeared to be.

All three of the screen name owners had been former students at Starfleet Academy. Each one of them had been dismissed or dropped out for various reasons and were acquainted with one another. To top it off each one of them seemed to hold a grudge against Jim, though it was unclear why, Pavel had gleaned his information from a variety of sources, most of which were fueled by rumor and conjecture as well. The only official information that he'd been able to hack into had been vague at best. The full official records had been sealed by Admiral Pike, who had used a program devised by Spock and Kirk to encrypt the records so that they could not be hacked into and Pavel had been unsuccessful in his attempts to do so.

Spock of course had refused to try to hack the records himself, stating that it would be against Starfleet regulations and that Admiral Pike himself would be aboard the next day. They would discuss their findings and the situation with the Admiral and if the information was deemed necessary, the Admiral would most likely disclose the information to them unless it was classified.

The guilty parties had routed their IP addresses through several channels and had all started fake chatrooms within the Academy. It was unclear as to what their motivation was, other than to further slander Jim and the Enterprise by starting various conversations within the chatrooms in an attempt to get some of the actual academy students wandering into these chat convos to jump on the bandwagon and believe the slanderous lies they were spreading.

"It's a damn shame Jim didn't look into this further instead of taking what they were saying at face value," Leonard stated. "He's the one person that would have been able to hack those records and find out what the real motivating factor behind all of this. You haven't been able to come up with any reasons Pavel?"

"No, none which I can warify. Zer are rumors and speculation of course, most of which point to Hardy, Kent, and Sandusky hawing some kind of grudge against ze Captain, or ze Enterprise, or both. No one seems to know for sure. Their dismisals were kept wery hush hush. It eez rare zat students are actually dismissed for conduct unbecoming. Most applicants are wery well screened before acceptance."

"Jim wasn't. His background alone should have prevented his acceptance," Sulu pointed out.

"I believe Jim's acceptance was due to Admiral Pike's personal voucher and insistence. Though he was only a Captain at the time, he was in charge of recruitment and his opinion carried a heavy weight with the Academy Admission Board. He saw something in Jim that he felt Starfleet needed, and to his credit, I believe he was right."

"Aye, I ken bet that we all do Mr. Spock," Scotty chimed in, to which the entire room voiced their agreement.

"Regardless of the motive, we at the very least, have enough evidence to present to Jim to prove that the conversations he based some of his assumptions, conclusions and opinions on, were indeed falsified."

"That alone should be enough to rattle his cage. He's on the verge of changing his mind now. Plus we've got all these other statistics to go on to prove to him that his recruiting numbers were coincidence. He couldn't have factored in Academy graduation times, or the fact that we'd all gone to the Academy department heads and changed our submission guidelines for new recruits. We all did that separately without knowing the rest of us were doing the same after all, and all of that paperwork went through Spock. Jim would have taken his word for it that it needed to be signed off on and just signed it without reading it."

"I believe he skimmed the different requests, but as I submitted them to him all at once – along with several other forms that needed his signature, I doubt he payed much attention to the content. As you stated Leonard, he does trust my judgment implicitly where these matters are concerned."

"So what you are saying is we could really pull one over on him and sneek something past him if we wanted."

"You could not."

"But you just said…," Sulu interjected.

"I said that Jim trusts my judgment implicitly, because he knows I would do no such thing. You did not take into account that I would never allow anyone to 'pull one over' on the Captain."

"I wasn't saying anything bad Spock, I was just saying if we wanted to get him to sign off on a requisition form for say….party supplies… so we could throw him a welcome back party or something… you could get it past him and he'd never know that was what he was signing."

"I see. I would allow that."

"See, now you're talking my language."

"We have been conversing in Standard during the duration of this conversation."

"Okay now you are just messing with me."

"I hate to cut your little soiree conspiracy short, but we've got more important things to discuss here gentlemen," Nyota broke in. "Bottom line, are we ready to confront Jim with all of this tomorrow?"

"We need to talk to Admiral Pike first. Also I think we have a bit more digging to do on the numbers Jim came up with concerning Enterprise casualties vs. Fleet wide casualties, which I still say comes down to Enterprise being the flagship and having more dangerous first contact missions by virtue of being the flagship. I think the other ships have just been assigned more busy work than we have. You don't get too many casualties doing cargo runs between outposts, or supply runs to New Vulcan."

"Aye, I'd say your right there Leonard, I've got IT and Security compiling the data on all the fleet wide assignments over the last 9 months right now" Scotty declared.

"We're still gathering the casualty information. I want every casualty accounted for and explained so that Jim doesn't have any room for argument. As soon as the last reports come in I'll forward them to you Hoffman," security chief Dom Giotto said to the head of IT.

"Thanks Dom, we already have all of the assignments compiled and loaded into the database. We'll have a working spreadsheet up by tomorrow afternoon at the latest that will correlate everything in black and white. Like Dom said, it won't leave Jim any room for argument, and from what I'm looking at so far Dr. McCoy, you're right about your assumptions. By in large Enterprise has been handling more dangerous assignments, and simply because we've been out here in deep space trying to rebuild the federation and make first contact with new species, we've had more run ins with hostile alien races, which have not been limited to Klingons and Romulans." Hoffman explained.

After another half an hour of discussion it was clear that they'd exhausted their efforts for the day, but that they would be ready to talk Admiral Pike and then to Jim by the next afternoon. It was a huge relief to them all to know that they had ample information to debate Jim's assumptions or flat out disprove his information.

As everyone filed out of the conference room, Leonard and Spock headed towards Spock and James' quarters to fill in Christine and get James tucked in for the night. James was in the bedroom playing with little Spock when they arrived. They gave Christine the high points and as Leonard had a few other things to talk to her about, Spock headed towards the bedroom to let James know they were back, but stopped short when he heard the conversation James was having with his bestest bear friend. He quickly motioned for Leonard to join him, and Christine quietly left them to their fatherly duties.

It was clear to both men that James was in the middle of a deep and serious conversation with the bear, and that it shouldn't be interrupted. It was also clear that they needed to hear what was being said, so despite the illogical nature of eavesdropping and invading James' privacy, that was exactly what they did as the stood outside the bedroom door quietly listening to the ensuing conversation.

"Anyways Little Spock, I guess what I'm tryin' ta say is, I think Jim's about done bein all emo and whiney and, what did that one IT guys say? Oh yeah, thanks Little Spock, 'wallowing in self-pity'. I ain't so sure what that means, but I do know he knows everybody is right an he's wrong, an you an me know what that means. It means I can't not stay here no more a cuz of the rules and stuff," they heard James sniffle. A quick peak confirmed that he was hugging the bear tightly and was close to tears.

"I don't wanna leave you Little Spock, I hope you know that. You're my bestest bestest friend in the whole world, and I'm gonna miss you so much. I'm gonna miss everybody so much, even if I can't not miss nobody on account I don't exist no more. But I'm specially gonna miss you, and my Bones, and my Papa," he continued, heaving a big sob at the mention of Leonard and Spock. Leonard was near tears himself at this point and nearly rushed in, but Spock could tell how important this was, and that James needed to finish, no matter how hard it was for his stand in parents to hear.

"I'm sorry Little Spock, I din't mean ta start cryin'. I don't want you ta start cryin'. I'm sposed to be bein' brave so I can help you be brave, cuz see, you got a big job ta do now, and you gotta do it no matter how sad you are okay? We talkeded about this affor. When I leave and Jim comes back for good, even though that's what everybody wants cuz they need Jim ta be Captain again, it's still gonna be hard for them cuz I'm gone. An it's gonna be hardest on my Bones and my Papa so I'm gonna need you to take real good care of them for me. Specially my Pappa, Little Spock, cuz he's gonna be so flicted bout losin' me but getting' his Jim back, an you know he's a Vulcan and thinks he can't not show no emotion and be sad and cry an stuff, but he's gonna wanna cry I bet, when nobody is lookin' so that's when you gotta be there for him and take care of him and help him member me and stuff okay?"

"Aw hell, I can't take it anymore," Bones grumbled and plundered into the bedroom where James was now openly sobbing as he comforted his bear. He climbed up onto the bed with his would be son and cradled the man in his arms as if he really was a child.

Spock wanted to join them, but the things that James had said were really sinking in and he realized he needed some time alone to digest them. He quietly snuck in only momentarily, to kiss James lightly on the head and inform Leonard that he was going to be on the observation deck for a while. Leonard just nodded and motioned for him to go.

By the time he returned nearly an hour later, James and Leonard were both fast asleep on James' bed, so he left them where they were, covered them up, and quietly crawled into his own bed and fell into a fitful sleep of his own.


	20. Of Causalities and Confrontations

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them - I just take creative liberties with them in my spare time.

**Warnings: **Language, Adult Themes, K/S, etc.

**Author's Note: **I bet you thought I'd totally abandoned this story and was never going to give it a proper ending.

Well you are only half right. I never abandoned it. I just didn't have the time to get back into the right "groove" and give it the ending it deserved. I still don't think I quite accomplished that, but I just couldn't procrastinate any longer. So here it is, and it's done. I hope it's okay.

I do plan on doing an MOII sequel this summer - best plans of mice and men and all that - so I need crossed fingers and good luck wishes and lots of encouragement. Review, review, review - And Send cookies and silver dollars. LOL

**THANK YOU **to all of you who have hung in there with me over the horrible roller coaster that has been my life this past two years. And thank you to all the new readers - you are why we FanFic author's do what we do.  
I plan on getting back into the business of BEING a fanfic author. After all - the new movie comes out in a YEAR - which is no time at all - and I need to get on it! Right? RIGHT!

Okay - nuff said

Let's "Get on with it!"  
Enjoy!

* * *

Jim woke in the middle of the night. Leonard was whispering over the comm to someone in sickbay saying that he'd be right there. He noticed Jim watching him and thinking he was James, assured him that everything was okay. "I just got a patient that needs tending to, that's all kiddo. Go back to sleep," he whispered before tucking 'James' back in and slipping out the door.

Jim had just nodded and closed his eyes, playing along. He waited until he was sure Bones was gone before sitting up. Spock was sound asleep, so he slipped out of bed as quietly as possible. He used the facilities and then headed through the far door into his own quarters, his old quarters, The Captain's quarters. He asked the computer to raise the lights and turn the sound proofing to medium so that he wouldn't wake Spock, then he got to work. Things had changed a bit since his quarters hadn't been in use for so long. They'd had to move things around, store some of Spock's things in Jim's old quarters to make room for James to share Spock's quarters.

The Data PADD with his resignation and the figures he'd so painstakingly put together concerning recruitment and transfers had somehow ended up back on his desk. He sat in quiet contemplation staring at the information for some time, before finally deleting the resignation from the PADD. The time limit he had put into place before agreeing to Dulmer and Lucsley's plan had not been reached, and wouldn't have for quite some time if he'd chosen to lie dormant and wait it out, but nevertheless, James, or whatever James had been, was gone. Jim still wanted proof that there was something more to the numbers, but he'd come to the conclusion that inevitably he was going to have to confront his doubts and fears and accept the fact that his rightful place was as Captain of the Enterprise. Knowing that, he also knew that there was no point in putting it off, he had to jump back in feet first, and with gusto, so that everyone else knew he meant business.

First, he needed to make his space his own again. Losing James was going to be hard on everyone. Jim didn't want to make it harder on Spock or Bones, but James was a part of himself, how he could have been if he'd had a more stable childhood, and he needed to reconcile the loss of his inner child on his own, and say goodbye to James in his own way, before he could do what needed to be done to regain his title and his rightful place in Starfleet. He made quick work of putting everything back where he wanted it, making the space usable again. He did his best to put Spock's things where he thought Spock would want them, mingling them with his own so that it was clear that his intention was for them to continue living together, but as partners. He wouldn't push that though, he knew that Spock would need time and the transition after losing James would be difficult.

The only things of Spock's that Jim took back to Spock's quarters were is meditation tools. He knew that Spock would want them back in his room where they had been, so that he could meditate in quiet privacy. He left everything stacked in a corner of the living room area and then tiptoed into the bedroom and quietly put all of James' things into the box he had brought with him. He stood silently watching Spock's sleeping form, before slipping out the door and returning to his own quarters. His heart was heavy with the sorrow he felt for his friends and loved ones who would miss James. There was also a hollow emptiness inside him where James had been. He still wasn't sure how James had manifested, or what kind of technology those future beings had used to conjure him and he struggled with where James' consciousness might have gone now that it was no longer with him. However, he also knew that he would never have answers to those questions and that dwelling on them would not help him or anyone else. He did his best to set them aside and simply deal with what was. He began putting away all of James' things. He had cleared out one of the drawers under his bed and carefully folded everything and put them away in the drawer. He put in James' blankie last and was about to place Little Spock into the drawer as well, when he had a change of heart. Instead he closed the drawer reverently and then place Little Spock on the shelf above what would become he and Spock's bed. He pondered the placement for a moment while he silently gave his thanks and said goodbye to James.

With that done, it was time to get down to business. He showered and put on his Captain's uniform before sitting down to his desk and getting to work. First he had the computer play back the conversations from the previous night in the conference room after James had re-emerged. He listened fervently to everything everyone had to say, and had to admit to himself that while some of it bolstered his spirits, the rest made him feel naïve and stupid. How had he let himself be duped and played by those three idiots again? How had he not known it was Hardy, Kent and Sandusky the whole time? He of all people should have recognized their particular brand of bullshit. The only answer he could come up with was that he had been so full of self doubt and self loathing that he was looking for affirmation that he didn't deserve his job and he'd subconsciously wanted to believe what they were saying about him. This was the last time those assholes would ever screw with him, that was the one thing he was sure of. He didn't need to hack the records. He knew damn well what the problem was, he was the one who'd had the records sealed, not Pike.

Those three jerk offs just didn't know how to let go of a grudge. They'd all been admitted to the academy on merit of having parents who were officers in Starfleet. Their academic records had been moderate but it had soon become clear to many other students at the academy that they were the type that bullied other students into doing most of their work for them, and didn't really want to be at the academy at all. All three of them were at the academy either because their parents expected them to be, or because their parents had given them no choice. They weren't the only ones like this, there were a number of others who fit into that same boat, but these three had gravitated towards each other like magnets. Sandusky had emerged as the leader, with Hardy and Kent circling him like moons caught in the gravitational pull of a large, arrogant, bullheaded planet. The problem with Sandusky was, he wasn't stupid, in fact he was far from it, he was quite brilliant but he was just as lazy as he was smart. When it became clear that he was going to have to do his own work at the academy it had pissed him off and he'd had to find some kind of motivation to get it done. His motivation had been Jim Kirk. Jim Kirk really pissed him off. Jim Kirk came to class late, spent all his time out of class chasing women despite the strict fraternization policies, never did his homework, cut class often, yet continued to achieve the highest grades in every single class.

Sandusky hated him for it. He'd reluctantly spend hours studying for an exam, all while Kirk seemed to be goofing off, just to have his score beaten by Kirk when grades were posted. It finally infuriated Sandusky to the point that he couldn't take it any longer. He framed Kirk for cheating, not once, but twice. Both times Jim had been exonerated, but the accusations had left a bad taste in the mouths of some of the academy board members, which is why they had made such a big stink out of Jim circumventing the conditions of the Kobayashi Maru by installing a subroutine into the programming. Jim had of course been exonerated of the charges of cheating on the Kobayashi Maru as well, and was presented with an award for "Original Thinking", but that had only served to make Sandusky even angrier with Jim. The fact that Jim graduated in only three years and had been immediately granted Captaincy of the Enterprise didn't help matters. Pike had kept the previous accusations of cheating very hush hush because they'd come from a fellow academy student and had been dismissed relatively quickly when it became apparent that the evidence had all been falsified, so no one had ever known who had accused Jim of cheating in the first place, not even Leonard. Jim had known and had gotten Pike to admit to him that he was right about it, but he'd kept that information to himself, knowing that someone like Sandusky, given enough rope, would eventually hang himself. Which happened right after Jim's coronation ceremony, but before he'd actually taken the helm of the Enterprise.

Sandusky's old roommate had been assigned to the Enterprise crew and had come to Jim in confidence with evidence that Sandusky had been cheating on exams and assignments for quite some time. The evidence was solid, so Jim had no choice but to take it to Pike and the other academy board members. That combined with falsifying evidence against Jim, for which Sandusky had already been placed on probation; caused him to be dishonorably discharged and dismissed from the academy. During his hearing Sandusky turned in Hardy and Kent for cheating and helping him frame Jim as well, but he'd had no evidence to support his claims. Hardy and Kent were questioned and severely reprimanded and investigations were launched into their academic records to substantiate or dismiss the charges of cheating. Both of them dropped out before the investigations were concluded.

Jim had asked Pike to seal the records to protect the ensign serving aboard the Enterprise who had come to him with the evidence against Sandusky. He knew that if Sandusky were able to find out who turned him in, he would seek retribution, and he told Pike that he would rather be in Sandusky's line of fire himself. They had used such a strong encryption code to seal the records, that Sandusky had no chance of hacking into the records. Jim had hoped that eventually the guy and his pals would lose interest in revenge and move on. Apparently the only thing they could come up with on their own was slandering Jim in a chat room. It was a juvenile attempt at revenge, but unfortunately, Jim himself had bought it. The irony was not lost and Jim decided to use his irritation to prove them and himself wrong once and for all. He did want to see the final data that was being put together by the different departments on the recruitment numbers, battle statistics, transfers, promotions etc. , but he had a feeling that everything they were saying in that conference room was true, and it was high time that he put the self-deprecating bullshit to rest.

Looking up at the clock he noticed that it was 0500 and they were due to rendezvous with Admiral Pike's shuttle at 0700. Spock would be up soon, but he wasn't ready to deal with that just yet, he had things he needed to do, and he and Spock could talk later. He messaged Pike and over the next 45 minutes and filled Pike in on anything he wasn't aware of, which as it turned out, was very little. Pike was very well informed and Jim had a feeling Spock was behind that. The Admiral had also already taken the liberty of drawing up the necessary reinstatement forms as he had been informed that Jim's permanent return was imminent. He would officially reinstate Jim as soon as he boarded the Enterprise, and gave him the verbal approval to resume his duties until then. At 0600, just as Spock was knocking on the door to Jim's quarters to find out where he was and why all of James' things were missing from his quarters, Jim was walking onto the bridge of the Enterprise as if no time had transpired since his last duty shift as Captain. He dismissed the Commander who had been filling the Captain's chair for night shift, signed off on duty reports, greeted a stunned bridge crew, who were still on duty until 0700 and immediately asked for a status report and estimated time to rendezvous with Admiral Pike's shuttle as if nothing were out of the ordinary.

Somehow word spread like wildfire, as it usually did aboard the Enterprise and less than a half an hour later the day crew began reporting for their shifts much earlier than they normally would have. And all the heads of the other departments seemed to be finding random reasons to be on the bridge. Jim dodged or dismissed all of their questions by simply sticking to the daily tasks at hand as if it were any other normal work day. He practically had to order Sulu and Chekov to shut up and get back to work when Spock and McCoy walked onto the bridge.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Have you lost your senses man? You can't just traipse up here and resume command until I've run tests and cleared you for duty and your reinstatement has to go through proper channels!"

"Nice to see you too Bones. Uhuhra, please hail Admiral Pike and put him onscreen. All due respect to the Chief Medical Officer," he said snarkily to his best friend, "maybe you should listen to what the admiral has to say before you jump down my throat."

"Look Jim…"

"Point taken. Uhura, why isn't Pike onscreen?"

"Sorry Jim, I'm trying but I can't get through, all I'm getting is static."

"That's impossible. I just talked to him 40 minutes ago."

"You have already spoken with the Admiral this morning?" Spock asked tentatively.

"Yeah, I…uh… have. He um… gave me verbal permission to resume my duties and um….look I'm really sorry, but, he's going to reinstate me when he gets aboard."

"Do not apologize to me Jim, …Captain, as you are well aware, I am most happy to see you reinstated to your rightful position."

"That's not what I'm sorry about Spock." Jim admitted sorrowfully, to which Spock only gave a terse nod, indicating that he was well aware of what Jim was referring to but did not want to speak about it until they could talk alone.

"Wait, if Pike's already given you verbal permission and is ready to reinstate you, without my medical clearance, then that means…"

"Yeah Bones, it does. Look I'm sorry and you can run all the tests you want, but James… "

"Jim, I mean, Captain! I'm receiving a distress signal from Admiral Pike's shuttle and I heard a Klingon transmission just before that."

Everyone immediately sprung into action and returned to their stations. "It's Klingons alright," Sulu confirmed. "I'm tracking two Klingon Warbirds bearing down on Pike's position."

"Take us to maximum warp and get us there now Sulu! Red alert!" Jim shouted, pressing the comm button. "This is the Captain speaking. We have received a distress signal from Admiral Pike's shuttle and have confirmation that there are two Klingon warbirds bearing down on the shuttle's location. I want all hands on deck and at battle stations, ready to engage the enemy if necessary."

"I'll be in sickbay!" McCoy shouted on his way out into the corridor.

"Status report!"

"We'll arrive in elewen second Keptin!"

"Battlestations! Arm torpedoes, shields up!"

The Enterprise came out of warp to find a small debris field. The shuttle had obviously been fired upon. Scorch marks marred her sides, but she was intact and there was no immediate indication where the debris had come from. The Klingon ships were silent and non-responsive to hails. They sent a warning shot across the bow of the Enterprise and immediately went to warp.

"Mr. Scott, have you got a lock on the Admiral?"

"I've already got him on board Captain. I wuz able ta Lock just before we dropped out of warp. He's on his way ta tha bridge now."

"Mr. Sulu?"

"Scans of the debris field are indicating that the debris is consistent with a Romulan Bird of Prey," Sulu stated.

"Romulan?"

"Yes, Romulan,"Pike confirmed from the entryway, one side of his face covered in blood from a cut just above his temple. "They fired on my shuttle, unprovoked I might add. Took out communications, all I could do was flip the distress beacon and hope you picked up the signal, but I was sure I was dead in the water."

"So the Klingons were gunning for the Romulans and not you?" Jim confirmed.

"Exactly. I'm still not sure what happened. Like I said, communications were out so I didn't hear any exchange between them, but just after the Romulan ship fired on me one of the Klingon Warbirds dropped out of warp. They sent a shot across the bow of the Romulan ship and the Romulans turned and open fired on the Klingons. A second Warbird dropped out of warp and they both targeted the Romulans simultaneously. The Romulans didn't stand a chance. That was just about when you showed up."

"Uhura, did you intercept any other communications, anything in Romulan?"

"Nothing in Romulan sir, the Klingon transmission I intercepted just before I picked up the Admiral's distress beacon was garbled. All I could make out was something about 'dishonoring their forefathers.' They must have been referring to the Romulans, sir."

"If the Klingons were reacting to the fact that the Romulans were firing on an unarmed science shuttle, they may indeed have seen the act as dishonorable and were simply trying to make this point to the Romulans by firing a shot across her bow," Spock pointed out.

"And when the Romulans opened fire in return rather than conceding and withdrawing, the Klingons were left with no choice but to retaliate. That makes sense," Sulu agreed.

"I suppose we'll never know for sure," Pike interjected.

"No, we won't and it really doesn't matter. Things have been tense with the Romulans since the incident with Nero. I'm sure that the Romulan delegates will claim that this was another rogue faction that blames the Federation and Starfleet for what happened and will deny all ties with them. We'll start another round of diplomatic talks to ensure the terms of the peace treaty and the neutral zone are upheld. It will be a never ending cycle for some time," Jim confirmed. "Commander Spock, send a report to Starfleet. Bones, let's get the Admiral here down to sickbay and get that head would looked at."

"It's good to have you back Jim," the Admiral simply stated, before following the Captain and the CMO to sickbay. His comment was quickly followed with rounds of agreement from everyone on the bridge that Jim either ignored or shook off politely.

That afternoon there was another meeting in the conference room, this time including Admiral Pike and Captain James T. Kirk. The data had been compiled and confirmed everyone's speculations. Even Jim was finally satisfied that what had seemed unfavorable in regards to serving aboard the Enterprise or under Jim Kirk's command, was not disadvantageous at all, but quite the opposite. The figures reflected the high academic standards that the Enterprise now held of its new recruits. It also took all ranks and transfers, or lack thereof into account, as well as the fact that as the Federation's Flagship, The Enterprise had far more encounters with hostile alien species, was targeted more often by rogue factions, like the Romulans Pike had encountered earlier in the day, who still blamed the Federation for the incident with Nero. Other vessels who had been assigned to scientific missions or diplomatic liaisons by nature of their assignments had very few casualties or injuries to report. This hadn't been factored into the figures Jim had initially looked at.

Jim thanked all the department heads for their hard work. They moved on to the business that Admiral Pike was on board for and by the end of the meeting everyone seemed to be getting used to having Jim back in his role as Captain, including Jim. Bones of course insisted on doing a full workup and taking scans even though Jim insisted it was a waste of time. The anomaly was no longer present on Jim's brain scans however, so that, in a sense, seemed to negate Jim's insistence, as it gave Leonard and affirmation he seemed to need, that James was indeed gone.

Through all of this, rescuing Pike, hours of meetings and endless scans and tests in sick bay, it had not escaped Jim's attention that Spock was avoiding him. He had been nothing less than a perfect first officer throughout the meetings and during his duty shift on the bridge but he had not accompanied Jim to sick bay as he usually would and had continually avoided Jim's gaze. To everyone else he probably seemed to be his Vulcan self, emotionally detached and logically fulfilling his duties but Jim had grown accustomed to these small connections with Spock. Even before the Temporal Agents had interfered and created James, he and Spock had developed a closeness that allowed Spock to let his emotional guard down when it came to Jim. Now he seemed stoic, somber, distant and cold. Jim knew it was because Spock was grieving but that didn't make the rejection hurt any less. When Spock failed to show up in the commissary for evening meal, Jim knew he needed to track Spock down so they could talk.

Bones seemed to understand. Jim was able to speak frankly with his best friend while they had been in sick bay and though Bones would need to bury his grief over the loss of James in a bottle of bourbon that night, he assured Jim that he'd known it was inevitable and had been accepting that for a while. He would come to terms with losing James quickly, he was more worried about Spock, as was Jim.

"He's not just reconciling the loss of his son, Jim, he's also trying to come to terms with the change in your relationship as well and believe you me, there's a hell of a lot of guilt there. Part of him still feels like a child molester, so don't be surprised if he completely pulls away from you. It ain't gonna be easy," he'd cautioned.

"I know. I'm not sure how to even approach things, except to just be patient and give him the time he needs to sort things out. That said, you know how impatient I am. I may need you to, well, kick my ass every once in a while if I'm being a dick."

"I'm well aware. I think that's the primary duty in my best friend's job description. Look, that green blooded hobgoblin will come around, eventually, just turn on that damn Kirk charm, he's a sucker for it."

"I will. When the time is right. Right now, I just need to go find him."

"Keptin, if I may, Hikaru and I saw ze Kommender entering your quarters, I mean his quarters, vell, you know what I am meaning, anyway, zat is where he was jest a few minutes ago as Hikaru and I were heading here," Pavel interjected as he and Hikaru sat down at the table with Jim and Leonard.

"Thanks guys, I think I'll go see if he's still there," Jim acknowledged.

When Jim first entered what had been their shared quarters there was no immediate sign of Spock, though things had definitely changed. Jim peaked into the bedroom and saw that James' bed had been removed and Spock's meditation area had been reinstated. The toys and books in the bedroom were no longer present. Jim wondered if they had been taken down to the daycare center, or simply stored somewhere. He could see that the door to his quarters was open so he crossed through the bathroom to find Spock sitting on the bed with Little Spock in his hands, his head hung low, in deep thought.

There wasn't anything Jim could do or say. This was something that Spock needed to sort through but that didn't mean that Jim couldn't offer comfort. He crossed to his first officer and mate to sit on the bed beside him. He reached out to gently finger one of Little Spock's pointy ears and laid his other hand on Spock's shoulder. It was a simple gesture of reassurance but Spock finally looked up and met Jim's gaze.

"I…. will miss him, a great deal," the Vulcan admitted.

"I know. So will I."

"He made a rather unorthodox suggestion to me not long ago."

"Oh?"

"He advised me, that I should not give up on parenthood, neither because I am a Starfleet officer, nor because my chosen mate is male."

"Well, he was right Spock. He was also pretty intuitive, he knew that you were meant to be a father and so do I."

"I see. So you would not be adverse to the idea? James suggested that we could find…, a surrogate."

"Sure, or we could adopt, Jim offered. "I talked to…Other you, not long ago and he mentioned that there are a fair amount of Vulcan children who were orphaned after the destruction of Vulcan. The New Vulcan colony is doing its best to raise them. It takes a village and all that, but the New Vulcan council would ultimately like to see these children find homes of their own. Unfortunately, rebuilding the colony and the race has proven to be very challenging, and not all of the kids have found homes. In fact, it might be better for us to start with an older child. I hear babies are really time consuming."

"You were time consuming. As James, you required a great deal of attention. An infant might be no different. We have…., a large family aboard Enterprise. I believe we could acquire the necessary help easily. However, you make a good point and have obviously given this a great deal of thought," Spock countered.

"Well, I've known this was coming, and I've had a lot of time to do nothing but think. Look, Spock, whether we adopt an older child, or find a surrogate, or both, all that really matters to me is that we're together. I love you. I want to marry you. I want us to be a family. But I don't want to push it. I know this is all very difficult for you and that you'll need time to process. When you're ready, I'll be here."

"It is difficult. However, it is no more difficult than losing my planet, or my mother. Yes, in a way, I have lost a son, but James was never really a child, and I knew that eventually he would cease to exist. You, however, have been here all along. And through this process, I have truly found, home. I once told you, that Earth was the only home I had left but I realize now that is not true. I have many homes. Earth is a home to me, as my mother was born there. I also have a home with my people, on New Vulcan, and a home here, on Enterprise. I have a family here on Enterprise as well. I was surprised to learn just what it was to be part of a true family, in the human sense of the word. But my greatest home is with you. Wherever we go, as long as we are together, you are my home. This is the best gift James was able to give me, to open my heart to you in every way possible. I love you as well Jim Kirk and I would be honored to be your husband."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me, Spock," Jim admitted, sighing with relief as a wide smile spread across his face. "For now, let's just keep that to ourselves. Someday soon, I'll ask you properly. Get down on one knee and the whole deal. You deserve it."

"Jim that is not necessary. I do not need the pomp and circumstance. I need only you."

"What? No diamond solitaire engagement ring either?" Jim joked.

"You are incorrigible."

"And you love it," Jim smirked. "In all seriousness though, I just want to make sure that you are sure. I mean, I am. I really did have a lot of time to think while James was driving. A lot of time, and I thought through everything, every possible scenario. The bottom line was that wherever I ended up, whether it was here on Enterprise, as the Captain, or with a lesser rank, or not even in Starfleet anymore, all roads led back to you. You had to be part of the equation, or I didn't want it. When I signed my resignation, and was determined to go back to Iowa, or to my Uncle's ranch in Idaho, it was under the presumption that you didn't return my feelings and never would, and that being with you wasn't a possibility. When that changed, so did everything else, along with my perspective on things. I think that's one of the primary reasons I was able to accept that what you were all telling me was true, and stop doubting myself. I'm stronger with you by my side, Spock, and I don't ever want to be without you. That said, I realize that you haven't had the time to think things through that I have, so I want you to be as sure as I am."

"Jim, I do not need time. Even my emotional decisions, are based on logic, and the only logical choice for me is to be with you. I have loved you far longer than I myself had realized. You are one of very few people that I allow myself to show my emotions toward. We have a rapport that I have not been able to achieve with anyone else, human, Vulcan, or otherwise. I did not even experience such comfort and informality with Nyota, when we were dating. It is only with you, Jim Kirk, that I truly feel free to be myself. We are T'hyla, we have a rare bond, and there is no other for me."

"Well you know, Admiral Pike will be with us for a few more days. We could always have him perform the ceremony," Jim teased. "I'm kidding, but I am glad that you are so sure. We can contact your father and Selek and make arrangements for a Vulcan ceremony to be performed next time we are there. I think we are scheduled on New Vulcan in 6 months. Or we have a shore leave period in 4 months' time. We could go then if you want to do it sooner. It's totally up to you. I'm good with whatever."

"Quite frankly I would prefer to have Captain Pike perform a small ceremony while he is still here. This is our home, our crew is our family. We can deal with the Vulcan formalities and ceremonial rituals on shore leave. Perhaps, we can also visit the orphanage?"

"Wow, okay. I was kidding, but if you are sure, then, let's do it. I mean you're sure? It's not too fast?"

"I am sure, and it is not. Not for me. However, if you would prefer to wait…."

"I didn't say that. I just… you surprised me. That's all. Wow. We're…we're getting married," Jim stated in awe as he brushed his thumb over Spock's cheek. "I don't think I've ever been this happy. Let's go find Pike, and, break it to Bones."

The next four months passed without any major incidents. They had a few more brushes with Romulan rogue factions but no casualties. Jim and Spock settled into married life and adjusted to life without James. Bones seemed to have a harder time letting James go that Jim had thought he would. He'd become very attached to the child version of Jim. As a result he was more irritable with Jim some days, and completely overboard with the mother henning whenever Jim was injured. He was gentler with the hypos though, so that was a consolation.

A new group of graduates from the Academy came on board shortly after Jim and Spock were married, and this group was definitely the cream of the crop. All of them had been at the top of their class and excelled in their chosen fields. The only transfers were those who had received officer's commissions and had to be reassigned to other ships. Jim stopped frequenting the chat rooms and ignored rumors and gossip all together. He now had better things to do with his time. He was a lot less frustrated, and a lot more, happy, sated, and satisfied with life in general.

Shore leave brought with it a trip to the New Vulcan Colony. There, Sarek performed the necessary Vulcan ceremony that solidified their union in the eyes of the Vulcan council. Afterward, Selek, which was what Spock Prime went by on New Vulcan, asked them to accompany him to the orphanage.

"We have made great strides in finding homes for most of the orphaned children. Only a few now remain at the orphanage. One in particular, a 6 year old female, is half Romulan, and therefore has had a difficult time adjusting. Because of her Romulan mother, she is seen as somewhat undesirable by prospective Vulcan parents. Even the other orphans are reluctant to engage her in activities. She spends a great deal of time alone. I would like you to meet her. I had thought, that perhaps, given her heritage, the best place for her would be on a federation starship, with a multitude of mixed races, where she would be accepted."

Jim and Spock exchanged a look. Before even meeting this young lady, they were both sure that she would be better off with them.

"I think you're right. It sounds like she needs us. I guess my only question is, how has this all affected her? If it were me, I'd be downright angry, and she is half Romulan," Jim pointed out.

"As I said, it has been difficult for her to adjust. She has much anger and pent up frustration. She does her best to suppress her emotions, but she needs an outlet, a way to express them without fear of retribution, or shame. Having one Vulcan father, and one Human father, would be a good balance for her. She craves attention, love, and acceptance. If you are willing to give her those things, I believe she will open up to you, and give you those things in return. She is very bright and caring. It is obvious that it hurts her when the other children shun her. She was only visiting Vulcan with her parents when the planet was destroyed. They had been living on a science colony and her mother and father had been raising her to embrace both sides of her heritage, so she does not possess the Vulcan discipline that the other children do."

They arrived at the orphanage and Selek led them to a common room where several children were engaged in learning activities. One young girl sat far away from the group, reading in a corner. A look of sadness and longing ghosted across her face as she looked over at the group. Then he caught herself and returned to her reading, masking her emotion as she did so. She was beautiful, her skin was more fair than that of the full blooded Vulcan children and her eyes were full of expression, even when it was obvious that she was trying to hid her emotions.

Selek let the two over to the young girl and spoke to her briefly, telling her that these were the two Starfleet Officer's he had told her about. She quickly rose to introduce herself to them, offering her hand for a traditional handshake, which she had learned was common on Earth. This was rare for a Vulcan to do, their touch telepathy made them wary of direct touch. Jim knew immediately she was trying to gauge their sincerity. He accepted her handshake, trying to send her the telepathic message she was looking for, and let her know that it was okay to let her guard down around them.

"Hi there, my name's Jim, Jim Kirk. And who might you be, little lady?"

"My name is Saavik, Captain Kirk. I am very pleased to meet both you and Commander Spock," she said, directing her greeting to both men.

"It is our pleasure to make your acquaintance as well, Saavik," Spock assured her. "Selek has just been telling us a bit about you. Perhaps you would like to tell us more yourself? What is it you have just been reading? "

Saavik looked curiously from Selek to Spock and back again. "Are you related to Mr. Spock, Selek? You did not tell me," she said, sidestepping the question about her reading material. Jim noticed and slipped behind her to check out her Data PADD.

"You are observant, Saavik. Undoubtedly you noticed the similarities between us," Spock stated, without admitting anything. Selek simply nodded in agreement, but gave her, what could have been perceived as a wink. At this moment Jim started laughing. When Saavik turned to see him with her Data Padd she flushed with embarrassment.

"I, I am sorry, I shouldn't have been snooping, but Selek had told me that you were somewhat rebellious in your youth, and I became curious," she admitted.

"Well of course you were curious," Jim grinned and he gave her a reassuring hug. "There's nothing wrong with that. The question is, now that you know how many times I've been arrested, does that mean you don't trust me and that you don't want me to be your Dad?" He asked sincerely, showing Spock the article on her Data PADD from the Riverside Herald, from about a year before he entered the Academy. The picture showed him, bloody faced from a bar fight, being arrested and put into a police transport. Spock stiffened and shot him a worried glance, afraid that Jim's past would indeed make Saavik reluctant to give them a chance to be her parents.

"Oh no. I find it fascinating. There is a human saying, that you should not judge a book by its cover. You personify that saying. I think… I think that I need a parent, who doesn't just believe that, but knows it is true."

"Well knows one knows that better than I do, except maybe Commander Spock here. You know he is half human don't you?"

"I do. Selek told me. And Mr. Spock's father, Ambassador Sarek, came to speak with me. He told me that you had similar difficulties with the other children when you were young, Mr. Spock. He believes that you and I have much in common."

"We do. And please, call me Spock. You have grown familiar with Selek and no longer call him Mr. Selek. I wish you to feel free to be as informal with me as well. Especially if you will consent to give Jim and I chance to be your parents. I hope one day you would come to call me Father."

"I would like that, very much," the young Vulcan/Romulan hybrid admitted.

Jim and Spock talked to Saavik for another hour or so and it was clear by that time that they needed her as much as she needed them. Arrangements were made for her adoption and a few days later she returned with them to the Enterprise, where she received a warm welcome from the crew.

Spock's old bedroom was re-fitted for her and the atmosphere of family that had presided when James had existed was renewed. This time however Bones became Uncle Leonard and the feeling of family had more permanency. Saavik relished her time with both of her parents, learning Vulcan discipline from her new Vulcan father, and the art of pranking from her human one. Scotty and Keenser became her favorite targets. She spent afternoons playing with Hikaru and Pavel at the playground that had been built for James and her very bestest friend in the whole universe was little Spock, James' green teddy bear with the pointed ears. Jim couldn't think of a better person to take care of little Spock than his daughter. They became a very happy family and somehow Jim knew that James would be very proud of all of them.


End file.
